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you will know me better by reading my blog....this blog is my outlet....whatever i feel...whatever it is that's on my mind...i put and write it down here...you can tell who i am by reading my blog because this is the real me

just enjoy reading my blog....it's a true feelings and story...

Thinking OUT LOUD....
Posted:Aug 22, 2008 3:50 am
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2008 4:24 am
I've been active with this site, again, for the last 2 months maybe or less than...and as i surfed around blogs and groups...all i can read mostly from here...is about LOVE...

Some are happy with their relationship right now, be it long distance or just around the corner.

Some are bitter and in pain and going through a lot of heartache.

Some do have problems because they are having a closet relationship...hey, maybe you know what i mean here..

How come this 4 letter word can give a person different kind of feelings? An unexplainable feeling..

LOve..if this is the topic..lots of people can have a million words to say about it...LOve can be wrong, as they say and it can be right...but then what is true love really????

All i know is everyone wanted someone to be with him/her for the rest of his/her life...someone you can turn to when you needed a shoulder to cry on or share happy moments. Everyone around wanted to be love and be love....

and....I am ONE OF THEM....


a FRIEND'S story
Posted:Aug 15, 2008 6:33 am
Last Updated:Sep 16, 2008 12:01 am
This is a story of a friend...this friend asked me to write it...so, here it goes....actually i wrote this for the magazine wherein I am one of the correspondents/contributor...but it was not published..i just want to share their story to you...

A Story and Judge me…..

This is a story of a friend and would like to share with you.

Who we are to judge a person? We are all here to understand each situation without discrimination. Without being judgmental as long as a person doesn’t step on other toes.

It was all started during their high school days. Both of them are in 3rd year then and classmates. They are in the same group of friends, enjoyed each other’s company, laughed at each other’s jokes.

One time while in a friend’s house, something out of the blue happened. A surprise that never occur to them. They felt something inside but afraid to let it out. They both are lying on the bed waiting for sleep to take over. Suddenly a feeling bursts out and they just found out that they are kissing each other. It was the first kiss and nobody speaks about it. No one among them dare to ask why it happened. Maybe then, they really don’t understand the meaning of the word LOVE and feelings. The friendship remain till the end of school year.

While on their 4th year. They separate for they are not classmates anymore. A simple hi and hello if they see each other, without any words again about the kiss. But, anonymously letters has been sent changing the style of handwriting. Graduation day arrives. In a small dark room congratulating each other, again it happened, it was the second kiss and after that they bid each other goodbye not looking back. Surprised and ashamed.

From then on, both of them have a few relationships. Some of them lasted and some are not but deep inside there’s a feeling that nobody could possibly explain and understand. There are times that they visited each other just for the sake of friendship or maybe they just want to know how the other is coping with life.

Days and years have passed. One of them just recently had ended a relationship that lasted for almost about 7 years. Holy week arrive and friends decided to invite old friends to join them in what you called “BISITA IGLESIA”. That’s the time wherein they had the chance to really talk it over. They slept together but they want to keep as a secret for they don’t want to hurt anybody especially their own family who trusted them. The family who thought that they are just the best of friends

That is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Fate and destiny really bring them together, whatever odds and obstacles comes their way. I, for one, as the writer of these story is a witness of their ardent love and passion for each other. The one who stays here in Saipan while the other one is in the Philippines. They keep the communication open through texting, chat and phone calls. No hindrance can take away the love they have for each other not even oceans and miles away.

I know that people will judge them because their relationship is not that easy to understand. Loving and the feeling of being in love and loved. Relationship that sometimes people condemn…but as I say , who are we to judge them? It is love that brings them together. Relationship with same sex, whoever stand as man or a woman on this kind of relationship doesn’t really matter. It is their choice. Maybe, it is their fate and destiny. Who knows???????

just WHINNING here....
Posted:Aug 14, 2008 6:45 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2008 6:06 pm
There's nothing wrong if i have to whine here...this is my blog....my outlet...

It's reminiscing time...

I was contented with my life before...I do have a good job, My family is intact..i do have friends...people like to see me performing on stage..my kids are all okey...

Here in FFF, even though I am just a standard member...I am the most active member...My blog always stays on top...

Now, it's different but I am still okey...people still read and comment on my blog...I can still participate with my group thread but not every group now...

I've been active again these past few days or a month maybe and I can see that my picture is now included in the most active member again....how i miss it...

but time really take what is due for me..I will be out of the circulation again...and i will be missing those group threads...my blogs and reading and commenting on other blogs too...

I am happy, given a chance to interact with friends again...share my feelings, my opinions, joking...but i have to leave...no more internet connection...

But promise I will be back....once in a while I will try to visit this site...

Hey, I still have one week to spare...!!!! I will just use it in posting, blogging....i will leave a footprint to all my friends around...

HOPING is it really against HOPE....
Posted:Aug 12, 2008 2:03 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2008 6:12 pm
For me...it's useless to hope for something that you know for sure is hopeless...

This is with regards to people who always keeps people hoping but in reality there's nothing to hope for.

False hopes, they say....

Promises that makes people hope and in the end, they will just leave you behind and dumped you like an old toy..

But thinking positively..maybe it does happen because there's much better things to come...

I am losing hope now....with my stay here...it's been quite a long time and people leaves me hanging..using me...learning for me....and in the end....where I am....NOTHING....

PLease try to be considerate...don't ever do this to other people...you are degarding them...let them feel they are really nothing...luckily..I am still at my wit and strong....

What is the significance????
Posted:Aug 8, 2008 10:46 pm
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2008 8:24 pm
Friday, 08.08.08..is there any significance about this day and date???

Friday, when it falls down on the 13th, they say it's unlucky....but now 08 falls down on friday...and they say it's a lucky day...

it's triple 8...08.08.08...chinese says the lucky day, month and year....it will bring surely bring luck....

I was born on the 8th...i was born on the sign of the dragon....Some chinese frineds i've met during my travels along asia said that I was born with luck beside me....asking myself where it is?????

Anyway, looking back...reminiscing...I was born lucky...I do have parents who loves me a lot that they will give everything for me....I do have siblings who took care of me...I have loved...I do have 3 kids...I do have a good job...I do travelled a lot...

But now...jobless i am...feeling sorry myself with everything that has happened...been treated as nobody....

Still...I am thankful...I am still lucky...I am still alive...healthy....and still have my family around..and friends of course....

What would this 08.08.08 will bring me then...A new challenge???? Is there luck after this day and date...who knows????

What about you???? any luck????

He just STOP LOVING me....
Posted:Jul 28, 2008 8:24 am
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2008 1:54 am

While watching the movie, YOU MUST LOVE DOGS…this sentence distracted me…and asking myself how come love fades??? How come there’s a sudden change of heart?? How come you stop loving a person???

I’ve witness a lot of break-ups, separation, divorce and annulment and most of them happened because of the third party, well, some are not.

When and why do you stop loving a person whom you offered him/her everything during the time of courtship…years passed and you become so bored of the relationship, the stagnancy of it, of the responsibility, of the commitment….are these some of the reason to bid a relationship goodbye??? Are these the reason to look for someone else??? Sometimes it is possible to love without caring for the truth

You can’t feel and say how a person feels when she/he was dumped by a lover unless you’ve experienced it yourself. The pain and hurt of heartbreak. A feeling that no one can explain…The hurt that no one can cure…except by their own self…by self healing…

Some heal in a few days..some in weeks ..some in months..some in years and some don’t heal…yes! For some, they can easily move on and let go if there’s someone new…but there are times past still haunts them…past still lingers…memories of it….but is it really fair to have a new one after a heartbreak or before the heartbreak???

Who is the home wrecker anyway? Who is the culprit??? They say it takes two to dance the tango… Sometimes it is possible to love without caring for the truth, to love blindly, simply for the sake of loving without even thinking of it’s effect and consequences
A person can say that he/she stop loving a person if he/she loves somebody else. Am I right? How can one sleep at night when you know that you are the reason for that person to stop loving the other one???

Well, it ‘s a feeling that no one can explain too….
Who CARES...!!!!
Posted:Jul 25, 2008 8:01 am
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2008 9:50 am
Me and other Women….

I am thinking about me and women now and I can’t help it..I want to write it here in my blog just to share everyone my thoughts.

When a women gets older or matured, grey hair , lines in the face starts to appear and becomes so conscious about their whole beings. Am I right or not???

Right now, looking back I was not really that conscious with how do I look even after our first stint on stage, I don’t even do some retouches on my make up, what matters to me then is that I still look and feel good about myself because you can see the real me without any make up at all. I do dress up only when I have a gig but not in going out or while I am in the house. I am just the plain me. The reason people still recognize me..saying “hey, you are the singer before in….etc..etc…” “hey, singer where’s your gig now?”, “hey, I think I saw you before?” “have we met before? You look familiar?” See, still it makes me feel good. I do leave a mrk on their mind on how the way I am before on stage.

But….grey hairs are coming out now and some fine lines around my eyes, signs that I am not really getting any younger, before, I used to dye my hair…this morning while I was looking at the mirror…I just said to myself…WHO CARES ABOUT GREY HAIR???? WHO CARES ABOUT SOME FINES AROUND THE EYES….I still feel great because I know I am still the same person and even though I do change, it is for my good and for the best…it is how you live your life. It is how you conquer everything and can still smile and laugh!

Some or most men, admire and look at women who got beautiful faces, the curves, the legs…and the younger they are…they are mostly welcome to come into their lives…but what about matured and older women like me??? Hahaha!!!!

Maybe it just on our subconscious mind to be younger again…but we had our time…time flies really..as I get older..I realized it is not the beauty…but whatever is inside…the attitude…and what you accomplished…you should feel great and carry yourself confidently…No worries with how I look or that I am getting older….that’s my lesson now!

Me, I still long for someone who will accept and love me for what I am….even though I am going to be a grandmother soon….hahaha!!!!

my STORY.....wanna read????
Posted:Jul 20, 2008 7:06 am
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2008 3:26 am
My mind is not working right now…I do have a lot of things inside my head. Staring blankly on my laptop….thinking what to write…or should I write it down…

Come and judge me….this is my blog…if people condemn me with what I wrote here..that’s fine…this is my outlet….

May 2005 when I went back to Saipan from a vacation from the Philippines to attend my son’s high school graduation day.

By June, my former band disowned me saying it was the club owner’s decision….imagine…I am one of the original member and founder of that band but they kick my butt out of the group.

September 2005 comes, I found out that my so called partner was cheating on me. We decided to go back home for good..that’s what I thought, for good in the Philippines. On that same month my father passed away.

October 2005, my partner left me all alone with all the problems…hospital bills, no work, burial bills…and my 3 kids…he went back to Saipan to be with his new partner in life.

February 2006, I went to Singapore thinking I will be having a new chapter of my life, unluckily it never happened.

April 2006, back to the Philippines again and started going out with friends here in FFF, doing charity works voluntarily…meeting friends personally….

June 2006, He finally called and through text messages and chatting..I accepted him again…but didn’t know that he was only pulling my leg…another heartbreak!

I am doing okey, kinda moving on, even though the pain and hurt still haunts me every night. I still longed for him and cry at night.

March 2007..I have to fly back to Saipan, my presence is indeed needed for the hearing of our labor case…Friends here in FFF helped me out with all my predicaments…I am indebted to them…my deepest gratitude.

April 2007, facing realities around….stay with a family….looking for a job….met some angels in my life….like Rommel and Che…..who helped me out one way or another and until now they are still my friends…

June 2007, finally found a job…but again another nightmare…I stayed with a very rude and mean lady…I thought she was a friend but in the end turns out that she’s not , but still thankful to her.

October 2007, out of work again….and I have to leave the house of the rude and mean lady for I can’t afford to pay the rent and the money she’s asking me for food allowance which is $200/month.

Same month, I do transfer to another house, same thing happened..she never treated me as a friend either…it seems like I am a housemaid and a baby sitter to her 3 children.. I am the one responsible in the house even with her business…no salary but free board and lodging…She’s more rude and mean than the other lady…really don’t know how I take it…

There are times that I do have a job, part time, by joining some band who needs a singer for their gig…

December 2007, I’ve been trained to be a cashier, accountant and everything else in the store of a former co singer…..hoping that she would hire me but again after I taught her everything I knew in running the business…again I was kick out….

Christmas eve…I do have a gig and went back home to my friend’s house late…the house door is closed…I slept outside..in the garage…crying and all by myself…on Christmas day!

I’ve got no place to go because I am jobless…..the reason why even though I’m sick and tired of staying with a friend’s house…I have to for I don’t have any choice at all…by the way…she never consider me as a friend…

March 2008, I’ve learned that my ex partner’s live in partner went back home to the Philippines for good but he still deny it…what a lie! WHEW!

May 2008, I do have a part time job as a housemaid…cleaning a house with 7 bedrooms and 4 toilet and bath..a very huge house…again…they didn’t hire me…and they didn’t pay me…4 hours work a day….no break! No food…! And then no salary…whew!

Thinking some people do become so abusive these days especially here in the small island of Saipan.

June 2008 up to now..I met a lady and then asked me if I want to stay with her in Tinian…where I am right now…I do some household chores too…and watch over their business…again…I still don’t know what will happen next…

July 2008…the last one….I found out that my 18 year old daughter is now conceiving a baby…..WHEW! She’s not married….and the boyfriend doesn’t want any responsibility at all with my daughter and the baby…

Hey! I am going to be a REAL GRANDMA soon…….

God has put me into a lot of test for the last 3 years of my life….I still don’t know what are His plans…I don’t know the reason….I am a sinner I know just asking myself, do I have to deserve to face all the challenges and pains of life…

All I know is that I am still here and fighting…trying to be strong even though there are times that I would like to give up. Life is an adventure…it is how you manage to run it by yourself…sometimes it is not our choice but we do have a part on why things has to happened…

I won’t be afraid to face tomorrow…..until I am still here..alive and kicking!

What I have LEARNED.......
Posted:Jul 14, 2008 6:47 am
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2008 6:54 am
I’m learning a lot of things in my life.

It is not really easy to live your life. We all have to face all the sufferings and pains of life or else how would one able to know the magic of happiness.

You need to fall down and then get up again and open up a new chapter of your life, close the other one but let it be a reminder on how you fall and be grateful for it.

You can’t get back what you’ve said especially when you’re mad. You’ve done it and hurt people and even though you ask for forgiveness, it has been said already.

You have to stop regretting about what happened in the past or else you’ll be sorry all you life…move ahead!

You can move on with your life if someone left you but can’t easily let go. There will always be bad and good memories to linger on..

Everything that you have now will be gone in just a wink of eye or by the time you don’t realize that it was gone already. Just accept it!

There are a lot of abusive people around and if you allow them to abuse and use you, they will do the same to other people too.

That no matter what you do to please others and earn their trust, if they don’t want to open their hearts and mind, they will not let you in.

If someone closes his door for you and have a change of heart, don’t push them to open it up again because you’ll be hurt more than you’ll ever think.

It is not the years that count in any relationship. If someone wants to go out, it will happen and no one o rnothing can make them stay.

Bad and good influence in your environment will always be around. If you really want to do it, you have the right but if you’re not, nobody can push you to.

There are few people now that you can easily trust and trust you. People who will believe you. Mostly people around don’t care about others.

Your eyes can’t really lie. It will show if you’re happy or sad. No matter how you cover up the pain and happiness in your heart.

There are people who don’t accept that they are wrong or even people think that they know everything. Just listen and don’t opinion or you’ll be into a fight or argument.

Love is not the only reason for staying together. Sweetness with each other should always be present, no matter how long you’ve been together or how old are you.

Somewhere along the way, if you help other people and they can’t help you back, someone will pay for your kindness.

There are people, even though you knew them for a day, will be willing to help you out and be an angel sent from heaven Angels without wings. FRIENDS they are!

Friends will come and go but the real ones will be with you through thick and thin.

When facing a challenge, some people will be by your side but in the end you have to decide and face it all alone.

Physical beauty and charm vanishes in time. It is the attitude that counts.

Sufferings and hardships will teach you a lot of things in life.

It is not how smart you are, it is not how beautiful you are but if love fades you can’t really bring it back or win back the love of your life.

Everyday, changes keeps on happening.

Surrendering or giving up is not an act of cowardness but it is freeing yourself for more hurt and pain.

You have to accept that you can’t have everything at all.

That each person is different and unique, even though they belong to same family.

No matter what you do, you really can’t please everybody.

It is hard to be alone, but you can get used to it, in time.

What now???
Posted:Jul 12, 2008 6:38 am
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2008 6:51 am
What life has to offer me now? Finding out that it is very often that we are the ones responsible for our fate and destiny, even though that it was written and said that by the time we were conceived by our mother, God has already have a plan for us. We are what we are and where we are because of the events that are happening in our own lives. We have our choices. Life can be complicated in a way, but we can also make it easier if we really want to.

Through my experiences in life. I can easily say that what is happening now is my choice.
If I would probably listen to my mother, kids and friends I won’t be in these kind of situation. But….I have chosen to stay and be here? Well, asking myself why…

In my 1 year and four months of stay here in CNMI. I’ve transferred to one house to
another. I’ve been and live with different kind of people. I’ve lived with them, know their ups and down, attitudes, flaws and a lot of things.

Now, here I am in Tinian, another island but a small one with a small community. One of
the three island that belongs to CNMI (Commonwealth of Northern Mariana). You have
to ride a ferry boat for 45 minutes to 1 hour or 15 minutes by plane to get here. I am
staying with a family of four, the couples. The husband is doctor, Dr. Ronaldo Toledo, a U.S. citizen, the wife, Abigael Cajucom, businesswoman, Canadian citizen and their two little daughters, Isis, 8 yrs. old and Ibis, 5 yrs. old.

I am helping them with their household chores, except cooking,  then in the afternoon I will be present in their business. They are so nice to me and treat me as one of the family. This is not a job but they are willing to adopt me for a while and then while here they will try their best to help me find/land a job. Crossing my fingers!

What now after this? It seems like it’s up to me to decide on where should I go and take. I have my choices. I hope and pray that I will be in the right path and will make the right decision this time.

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