How to wash a toilet
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Posted:Apr 18, 2009 2:00 pm
Last Updated:Apr 20, 2009 11:36 pm 7457 Views
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1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog
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The Xmas Party
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Posted:Dec 17, 2008 1:58 am
Last Updated:Aug 28, 2010 6:40 am 7267 Views
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The Morning after the Office Party.
David woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday.. His wife must have gone to work.
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night..
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x '
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged was sitting at the table, eating.
David, bracing himself, asked his what happened the previous night.
' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '
Confused, he asked his , 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'
His replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper...., I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
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When Girls Don
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Posted:Dec 15, 2008 5:52 am
Last Updated:Dec 17, 2008 1:52 am 6924 Views
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This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor! may just as well....
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
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The Real Story Of The 3 Bears!!!
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Posted:Nov 17, 2008 5:04 am
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2008 5:20 am 6919 Views
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A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table,
and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been
eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do we have to go
through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who
unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn
table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the
litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And
now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because
I'm only going to say this once...............................................
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!! 
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Windy Miller!!
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Posted:Nov 14, 2008 5:57 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2008 11:45 am 7032 Views
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't. stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good..
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "honey you were right." "all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened."
But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in."
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Only In AMERICA!!!
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Posted:Nov 8, 2008 6:07 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2008 5:58 am 6988 Views
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BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
Charlotte , North Carolina . USA .
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire' and was obligated to pay the claim!
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.
NOW, FOR THE BEST PART
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!
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how to please a WoMaN
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Posted:Nov 7, 2008 3:09 am
Last Updated:Nov 9, 2008 2:09 pm 7144 Views
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to reading his book. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Although assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she takes a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, I couldn't help but notice that you have sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
The woman replied, 'I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before', he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded. 'Black pepper.'
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its a dogs life
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Posted:Oct 9, 2008 11:37 pm
Last Updated:Oct 10, 2008 10:48 pm 6792 Views
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The village idiot goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the tied under that tree outside?"
The idiot said it was his.
"Your seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The idiot replied, "No way.. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your needs to be bred."
"No way," said the idiot. "That don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your wants to have s * x!"
(You gotta love this)
The idiot looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
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