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Make me Laugh
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Mar 31, 2011 2:07 am
917 Views
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I finally realized what's been bugging me these past few weeks when I've felt down, bored, and generally disinterested with life.
I MISS HAVING A REAL, HONEST-TO-GOODNESS LAUGH.
I can't remember the last time I laughed heartily, the kind of laughter that makes you roll on the floor while clutching at your sides, the one that makes you gasp for air afterwards, the laughter that brings "good" tears to your eyes.
Yes, I've smiled and even chuckled a few times. But that's about it. And it's not good enough, anymore 
Someone please make me laugh...
I badly need one... or two 
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Til we meet again
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Mar 29, 2011 9:26 pm
924 Views
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When I saw your name on my phone last night, I was actually surprised. After our brief and rather petty argument a week ago, I had gotten used to not hearing from you. I had gotten used to you ignoring me when we're both online. I had gotten used to not thinking about you and our "situation".
I had already accepted your decision, though it was a bitter pill to swallow. You know, I never quite understood why you were the one acting so bitter and angry when it was your decision in the first place. But I guess, that's just you being you - unpredictable, unreadable, confusing. As always.
Then I opened your message and my heart stopped for a few beats - you said you're leaving today. I knew your departure was imminent, but it still caught me by surprise. Well, no, that's actually a lie. It wasn't your departure that hit me - it was my reaction to that news. I didn't expect the sudden, overwhelming sadness.
Why should I feel sad? It's not like we've been together frequently or even talking regularly these past few weeks. It's not like I'm losing something. It's not like I'm your girlfriend.
But still, there it is. I can't explain it, and I can't control it. Im sad that you're leaving, I'm sad that I won't be seeing your name on my screen for a long while, I'm sad for all the wasted time.
Then you called me today, just before you got on that plane. And I felt the chemistry flow just like before. And we talked like nothing happened, just like how it was before things got complicated. How I miss those days! We would talk for hours about nothing and everything. And time just slips by. I miss that. I miss you - the old you that was.
But I'm glad that I was the last person you wanted to talk to before you left. I know I shouldn't be, but like the sadness, THIS happiness is inexplicable and uncontrollable. Even if you didn't - couldn't - say it, I felt that you missed me too.
And so here I go again...
If only you made your intentions clear to me from the start.
If only you didn't get tired and gave up when you did.
If only I asked you directly what your actions and half-jokes really meant.
If only I told you how I felt even when I was unsure of your feelings.
If only I wasn't running scared of commitment and of falling in love again.
If only we were on the same page at that time in our lives.
If only we could turn back time.
So many stupid "if only"s that it's actually quite funny. Really.
I would be laughing now if it didn't hurt so much 
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8
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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
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Mar 28, 2011 10:16 pm
756 Views
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How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-- Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"
The movie with the above title just came to my mind while I was on my way to work this morning. Something must have triggered it, though I don't know what  .
Anyway, to those who have not seen the movie, it's basically about two ex-lovers who underwent a brain surgery that removed certain memories from their brain - specifically, their memories of each other and their relationship, hoping that this will also erase the pain of their break-up.
The movie title was lifted from the poem "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope, the story of a tragic love affair, where forgetfulness became the heroine's only comfort (Abelard and Heloise, are popular 12th century star-crossed lovers). There was this other line from a letter that Heloise wrote to Abelard, where she said, I pray not that I can forgive, but that I forget...
As the story progressed, the two main characters' roads still crossed after the surgery, and they found themselves drawn to each other, subconsciously and unknowingly repeating patterns and habits they had when they were together.
The premise of the movie is that (and Im only surmising here) that love transcends time, space, and logic. No matter how much you try to erase a memory of it, it will come back to haunt you.
And that's not necessarily a bad thing. One remarkable quote I remember from the movie is this :
"The funny thing about love is, it can survive the circumstances of its ending"
This is probably why we can fondly remember a loved one long after he/she is gone (either by choice or by other circumstances), why we can empathize with other people's love stories or even movie plots whose stories are so far from our own experiences, and why we still crave for love even after being hurt lots of times in the past.
But I wonder, if given the chance to permanently erase a memory in my life - would I take it?
Would you? And if you do, what memory would you erase? 
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30 is the new 20
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Mar 27, 2011 9:43 pm
762 Views
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I turned 30 about a month ago.
Before this, I had been feeling an internal pressure to do practically everything on my bucket list, maybe because I wasn't able to do any of it in my earlier years.
Plus some of the people around me didn't help. They kept telling me to find someone (quickly!) before I turn 30, as if my looming birthday was a death sentence and life would end after that.  . Maybe because it's an accepted fact that your 20s are the best years of your life - you're young, you have so much energy, you have no responsibilities aside from yourself (if you didnt get pregnant or gotten married early), and you start to experiment with life.
And after a few years of that, you are supposed to find a partner and settle down. You're supposed to have a family, be taking care of your own kids, before you hit 30. If not, you're an anomaly .
With the combination of my internal pressure and my rebelliousness kicking in, I had spent the past 12 months practically in a marathon, sprinting from one activity to another while juggling work pressures at the same time.
BUT now that that's behind me, I've felt a rather radical change. The pressure is gone and instead, I get this urge to slow down. I have actually been staying at home for the past 2 weekends, and have only gone out with friends once or twice in those weeks - a big shift from the social pace I've been on in the past year.
From a whirlwind of traveling, I suddenly didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to stay at home and do crochet instead, and I must say Im getting rather good at it  . So maybe the wanderlust chapter of my life has ended, and my 30s signifies the start of a new one. Either that, or it's just the effect of the Supermoon.
When I think back on my 20s, I find myself sometimes smiling at the stupid decisions I've made, other times cringing at the embarrassing awkwardness that marked those early years. I remember the times when I was just starting to work and I had no idea where I my career was going, or even where I wanted it to go. I just took whatever job I could, and quit when I didn't like it anymore. Such short-sightedness. Tsk tsk.
I also remember going out on my first few dates then  . I had no idea how I was supposed to behave and so I took my cue from the person I was with while trying not to appear as nervous as I was. Haha.
Yeah... those were the days. I guess that what I regret the most from that period were the friendships I had failed to maintain, because my focus was on something else. I failed to put in the time and effort necessary to keep the friendship alive. But then again, that's the test of friendship, right? If they're still there even after years of neglect, then they are for keeps  .
Aside from that, I can't think of anything else I would have done differently. Even the awkward stage. I think that's part of growing up and I needed that so I could learn my lessons.
Looking back, I can't explain to myself why I was scared of leaving my 20s behind me. The girl I was 5 or 10 years ago was okay and was coping fairly well, but I love the "me" now. I don't think I could have achieved this state of mind in my 20s, what will all the insecurities of having to build a career from scratch, the harsh judgments from the society that tears down a fragile ego, and the financial instability.
I like being comfortable being in my own skin now. I like having the time to really get to know myself and the luxury to be able to do it when I want to. I like having the confidence to express myself, and not having to rely on someone else for my happiness. Of course, my life is not perfect, but whose is, right?
I feel like my story is just starting, that I am just beginning to scratch at the tip of an iceberg. Though I somehow enjoyed my 20s, being 30 and in control of my life is so much more fun  .
As my friend puts it - 30s are the new 20s... only wiser and richer 
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7
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How much do you value honesty?
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Mar 23, 2011 10:07 pm
851 Views
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A friend was ranting to me earlier about his girlfriend "lying" to him yesterday about the time she got home. Apparently, she had sent him an SMS saying she was already home, but he found out later than she actually got home about 3 hours later.
Now he is questioning the depth of her feelings for him. And me, being of the same gender, was considered to be an expert on the subject 
I told him to talk to his girl about it, 'cause she is still the best person who can answer his question. We debated about it for a while, me taking the girl's side since she wasn't there to defend herself
Anyway, our short debate left a few questions in my head...
Is there any instance when a lie is justifiable / excusable? Like when the truth would just result in more harm than good, would you still reveal it? Or when the truth does not really involve anyone else but you and someone asks you, would you share it?
Does a lie get heavier the deeper your relationship is with another person? Like, would a lie between friends be easier to bear and easier to forgive than a lie between, say, lovers or parent-and-child?
And when you discover that someone has lied to you - would it really help to know the reason behind the lie? Or a lie is a lie is a lie -regardless of the motives?
Hmmm...
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Lessons in Life
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Mar 16, 2011 2:04 am
612 Views
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I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved... The rest is up to them.
(Anonymous)
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To the One-that-got-away
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Mar 13, 2011 7:00 pm
1072 Views
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Wow. I checked your profile on the social network today and I feel like I've been hit by a 4x4 truck.
You're already in a new relationship and you're so sweet to this new girl. Your cheesiness is all over the page.
I didn't expect you to have moved on so quickly. It's like nothing happened between us. Those years of missed signals and mixed messages never existed. And those "feelings" you say you've kept for me all this time - where have they gone?
I guess I shouldn't have been surprised at all. You have said your goodbyes already anyway. But a part of me thought you would be hurting just as much as I was. I thought you would wait at least a few months before looking for a new one.
I thought wrong.
Maybe I wasn't really as important to you as you said I was. Maybe you didn't really love me, and you just wanted to have a girlfriend - anyone who would be willing. And I don't like that at all. So I guess I made the right choice all along.
I have waited this long to find the one person who was meant for me. I can wait some more until I find him... until I'm sure.
I admit that right now I am still hurting. But this is really more because of what never was - what could never be. I'm not really mad at you, I'm just... sad.
Truth be told, I had already accepted our fate the moment I sent you that email. I had known then that we could never be, there's just too many factors working against us. We were only meant to be exactly what we are now - really good friends.
But acceptance does not protect me from the pain, does it? When I saw your photos together, those sweet messages, I felt a sharp pinch in my chest. That's when I realized that I had an open wound there with your name on it. But I will heal. I'm sure of it. Just give me time.
I AM sincerely grateful that we are still friends. But I just have to stay away from you for now because I need to adjust my thoughts a bit. I need to refocus, and I cant do that if we are still as close as before. I will be back, I promise. And by then, I will be the old girl you once loved, the one you still consider to be a good friend.
In the meantime, I wish you luck. I hope you have found the right person for you and I hope you find with her the happiness that you say you have been looking for.
Goodbye for now... my friend.
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12
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Change is due
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Feb 28, 2011 10:27 pm
524 Views
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You blame me for what happened to us. You say Im selfish and insensitive, that I did not appreciate the love you were giving me. That I just took you for granted.
But I didn't.
The thing is, you never really knew me. I know, I know. You keep saying you do - in fact, that you know me better than I know myself. But if that were true, why have we never understood each other properly? I never understood how much you loved me, and how much pain I was unintentionally causing you. And you never understood why I never saw any of that - you just assumed I would, without you having to say anything at all.
You see, Im not a mind reader. Our minds work differently, not only because we are wired differently, but also because we are two very unique people. That is mostly a good thing, but in our case, it proved to be our achilles' heel.
We relied too much on intuition, but our signals never matched.
It hurts, but I have to accept that maybe they were never meant to. That maybe WE were never meant to be.
You have said your goodbyes. I accept that. I hope you accept my apologies too, for whatever it's worth. I hope you eventually understand that I never meant to hurt you. I also want to be loved just as much as you do. But I'm also human and I'm not perfect. If you cannot come to terms with that, I'm sorry.
Now it's time for me to say my goodbyes. Then I will move on.
And I pray for the strength to do so.
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2
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A lot has happened
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Feb 20, 2011 9:29 pm
506 Views
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Time is a matter of perspective.
When I was younger, I felt that time moved ever so slowly. A week felt like a month. A month felt like a year. A year felt like a lifetime. I guess that’s because I used to measure time in terms of what I’ve accomplished, or what has changed in my life, within a certain period.
And when I was younger, nothing much happened.
Now that Im much older, I find time to be moving too fast. A year now feels like a month, a month feels like a week, a week feels like a day. Many times, when I happen to glance at a clock or a calendar, I want to shout “STOP!” and stare at it until it complies.
Especially now, Im turning 30 in a few days, and I feel like Im not ready yet. I don't want to cross over to a new decade, that makes me feel like an adult – and I don't want to be an adult yet. I had just started living my life, I don't want to be all serious and mature so soon.
I guess it’s this internal pressure that’s driving me to make the most of my time. My schedule and calendar of activities has always been cramped lately… especially in these last few weeks leading to my birthday.
In the past 4 weeks, I have :
- gone to the ends of the earth (well, almost)
- crossed the Arctic circle
- chased after the Aurora Borealis and did see it
- played with some reindeers and stared down a moose family
- sat on an Ice chair and lay on an ice bed (literally)
- talked in depth with random, but great people I met on the road (virtual strangers)
- fallen in love, got committed, been confused, and broken free again (LO
- been caught in a blizzard and slipped on black ice
- hiked in knee-deep snow
And I must say, I had fun, despite the body pains and muscle aches.
I may be turning a new chapter in my life, but at heart, Im still just growing up
Carpe Diem!
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Is it wrong to want more?
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Feb 17, 2011 11:22 pm
885 Views
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Last night, I was telling a friend about the things I wanted to do, like bungee jump, sky jump, travel, etc. I was a bit sad that I wasn't able to join the hot air balloon fest cause I was not here that time.
He suddenly attacked me by saying that I have no contentment in life. I have been able to see and do a lot of things that other people can't, been given so many great opportunities, and been blessed so much, and yet I still crave for the small things that I don't get to do.
I said there's just too many things I still want to do, and I sometimes feel pressured like I dont have enough time to do everything.
Then he said I'm greedy.
I asked if he didn't want anything else from life aside from continuing on working. He said he wanted to get married, maybe next year.
I said that's nice, too. But there are benefits to being single, like a peaceful, argument-free, jealous-free, worry-free - basically, a free life. And that's why I'm choosing to remain single, at least for now, while I haven't found the right person yet.
Then he said I'm selfish.
Is that how the world sees a single, independent woman who has a life of her own? Is it wrong to still want more even if you are already receiving so many blessings?
He said I never seem to be content with what I'm getting out of life.
I guess that may be true.
But is that so wrong?
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5
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