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Thru the Magnifying Glass
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Nov 12, 2007 12:15 am
311 Views
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I went to an internet shop coming from a friend’s house the other day. I Figured it wouldn’t take me so long checking my messages here anyway and so I went in.,I logged in and then opened my ym (I actually have one of those now, You see.) And found myself a message hoping that we could chat with a guy I met here. We’d only exchange messages the other day and I gave him my ym account. He sent me a message in my inbox asking me for my ym and hopes that we could see each other through the web cam. Now I don’t have any problems with that. The shop that I was into have all of that anyway. But that was actually the first time that I’m probably coming face to face with the thing that I’ve been avoiding for sometime already and so I was a bit hesitant as well. He was very patient with it and with me as well though all through out.
I enjoyed the time that I was chatting with the guy. He answers chat messages promptly though my answers are like text messages that’s three pages long with complete words in it, it probably doesn’t matter to him. He made me comfortable through all of it. He even wanted to see a picture in my ym. I thought that we were talking about pictures in our profile when he asked me about that so I told him that I do have one and that it was him who didn’t have one. He had a picture in his ym but doesn’t have a picture in his profile. I thought we were talking about pictures in our profile and so I told him that he was the one without it.
In his ym account, he had a picture the size of my thumb and he was in it in full body size in wide shot. I could hardly see it. Stuck my face down to the computer but still can’t see his face. If he want me to picture him as the house behind him, I could probably do that even better than to picture the guy. I even asked the man at the shop how I’d be able to see it but told me that that was it. Whaaaaat?!! And he tells me that I don’t have a picture. I think that that would be better than having people picture me as a house because they could hardly see me in my picture. Well, if I had one and would want to let me be seen in that picture, I wouldn’t be putting a body sized picture in a space that’s as big as my thumb.
Now, I just hope that he’s read one of my blogs about chatting so he may have the patience for it and hoped to God that he’s patient enough to see me through all of it that time. I was thinking then that if he’s that patient with me in chatting and if there’s a chance that IF we’ll se each other in person maybe we’ll have a chance to even be friends at least if not just an acquaintance since he probably has some patience for this girl. I even prayed for him to have patience that time but I guess that when you say your prayers in a hurry it wouldn’t sound so sincere and like you meant it and so God didn’t give him that much patience at that time.
Well, I never said I was a genius. And I remember saying that I don’t chat much. So when he asked me for a picture, I told him not to asked me to do that yet since it will muddle up things for me. I don’t even know how to share photos yet that time. Well, It’s easy now that I know it. But at that time, I didn’t. There must have been an emergency coz he said that he needed to go. Total crap, I think. But I could take a hint and so I just left it at that. And I guess that that’s alright. I wouldn’t want to flaunt my stupidity on my first time in there anyway and I didn’t want him to rub it in so…
I just feel a little slighted to be rejected even on the internet. Shucks!
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INVISIBLE TO EVERYONE
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Nov 5, 2007 3:20 am
460 Views
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I have this cousin. She’s a doctor actually. Passed the board last year and we’re very proud of her. She’s nice, sweet, beautiful, and needless to say, she is intelligent. She's just on the fat side though and when she was growing up, she developed a skin disease that left her with pock marks all over her legs that reached up to her thighs. She got it from dog fleas and murky waters that had been stagnant for days in their area, I guess. She then always have to wear stockings and pajamas that usually clings to her skin because of the scabs.
Her face is quite angelic though. She could actually sing very well as well. But she walks like a penguin and probably even talk like one if you could hear them. She just have this way of talking you see. It’s rather slow but her voice is shrill and she speaks with a twang which I couldn’t really tell where the accent came from, like maybe in the upper part of Luzon I don’t know, but apart from all that she’s actually fine.
We were always compared whenever we were together. We’ve grown pretty close over the years anyway, so we don’t give much importance to whatever the aunts and the uncle were saying. She’s usually the singer and I’m always the Emcee. She’s always shy especially when it comes to talking to people and I usually am the one who does the talking even for her. She’s always polished and refined, I would always have dirt in my dresses and the ultimate klutz. We were opposites in everything. I’m thinking, that apart from the scabs and all, maybe at the back of my mind I really do almost envy her because of the things that she is that I try to be that time but can’t .
But anyway, the thing about this cousin is that, when she was in the middle of her residency, she tried to run away from home to be with a guy she met on the Internet. She was 27 then but a virgin no less. She said she ran away because she’s tired of being much too sheltered growing up and wants the freedom from all of it. While she can buy all the things that she wants, there’s a driver to drive her around her car, her medical school tuition was already paid for, they have a nice house and everything, she didn’t have a boyfriend.
Now, when she learned about chatting, she found out that there were a lot of people to talk to, a lot that she can reach out with , find a lot of information through it as well and there’s love and romance everywhere . Through chatting, she found a guy that she thought was really in love with her and whom she thought she was in love with.
Well, the thing about the internet is, you’ll never know when it’s for real. And in the real world, unless you’ve actually met the guy and find that you do have a lot of things in common or may have found true love in the most physical and emotional sense, you can never tell right?
The guy didn’t like her much. He might have just figured that she was rich and stupid, seen the pock marks up her thighs, seen her for the whiner that she was and couldn’t sleep much already as she was taking too much space in bed, and so he wanted her to leave. After all the sex and stuff, the guy took her laptop, took her money and jewelry with all her dignity and pride, and sent her packing.
I was surprised to see her at my doorstep .She’s got nowhere to go and so I let her crash for sometime. We kept it a secret though her parents were really worried. But I had to tell them though not directly, because she whines a lot, eats too much, takes a lot of space in my bed because of her size; she cries too much about her stupidity as well , wakes me up in the middle of the night just to talk about it and goes right back to sleep just when I just have my mind working, It was just so depressing. And as if that’s not too much, she always wake me up so early in the mornings just because she’s used to waking up in a very ungodly hour there even on the weekends. Well, I’m not. Now if there’s one thing I want to be basking in with, whenever I’m at home, it’s sleep. I get cranky when someone wakes me up for no reason. Sleep is the only luxury that I have and it’s the only luxury that nobody could share me with either so I don’t let anybody deprive me of it, especially in my house. And unless someone is dying or unless the building is on fire, you don’t touch me when I’m asleep. She always did that while she was there though I already told her about it, And when I got fed up, I told my mom who told her parents where she was and Voila! I was back to basking in my sleep again. Left no worries for everyone as well.
Now, this is one of the reasons why I don’t chat. I’m just learning it now though thinking that I may be a little smarter than that. I had my brother sent up an account for me. I don’t use it that much though. People are even surprised to know that I really don’t know much about chatting even at this day and age.
I’m just learning the A/S/L’s and the LOLs and most stuff about it . I don’t know how to change the chat room and I wouldn’t know what to sign in for when you just joined the room, or are you signed in already when you’re already in a room? I don’t know. I don’t even understand how a certain change in the mood in an environment when you’re chatting with someone can make you change your feelings about a guy you haven’t even seen yet. I just don’t get it.
I find it funny and scary at the same time as well when they ask you to view their cam thinking that they’d let you see their faces, but if you do, they’d let you see their privates instead.(I say scary because most of the things there are not really so pleasant to look at.) Well, I don’t want to look like the stupid person that I am really when it comes to chatting so when I was still just starting, I usually ask my youngest brother to help me out. The first time that somebody showed their privates to me , my brother was the one who clicked the link to view the cam for me and there it was. Hanging. I was just really laughing about it and I didn’t mean to be a prude about it or anything but it was just there. Hanging really. =) The surprise from all of it just blew my mind away. My brother was all mad about it and a little irritated that he also gets to see it as well, but oh well, I didn’t know the guy would do that anyway so that’s not my fault. =)
I know that this is probably just a normal occurrence to people who have been chatting already and I guess I could get used to it as well. I don’t know. Well that’s the wonders of technology for you, I guess. And now it really amazes me at times and find it funny as well how the Internet can make you do things you don’t really do normally. But I’m thinking that that’s just the tip of the iceberg so there’s a long way to go and a lot to learn as well. Maybe somehow I’ll get there. I’m not sure.
Now I’m hoping that when I’ve learned all the things that there is to know about chatting, there are still people in it, people who are not as crass and cruel as the guy my cousin met and it would be a different experience altogether for me .
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Shit doesn't just happen. Sometimes there are a- -holes that causes them
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Nov 1, 2007 5:42 am
449 Views
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I've got to admit. I wasn't empty on my own. There was a time when I had a guy in my otherwise hermit kind of lifestyle. My then bestfriend actually. We met at work. It was just around the time when I was tempted to be the other woman in a married man's life. We kind of took each other in each other's wing coz we were both troubled at that time. He was keeping me from thinking about the grandeur of having the life of a lowly kept woman and I was keeping him company lest he commit suicide from all his woes about being deported back from the states, after his wife divorced him and his dad died while he was barely three months here and can't go back even just to see him. Misery loves company, I guess.
Andso it went that we became friends. All the talks about his woes and, the million things that I've got on my own kept the friendship teeming with misery. I can't complain as there's free coffee every time, a check-up with what's going on in our lives, occasional lunches and dinners every once in a while, the works. We'd quarrel like a couple and have a good time like the best friends that we are after we patch things up. I can't complain about all that. It was like having the benefits of a boyfriend without the jealousy and the emotional baggage that goes along with it. I used to set him up with friends just so we'll have other things to talk about and he would set me up as well.
I remember the first and only time that I let him set me up. Once, he set me up with one of his closest friends. I was happy about it of course. He warned me though that this guy is a fast taker, a player but the sweetest guy ever. I was just happy to be going out. What he didn't warn me about the guy though, was that this guy had been an addict, almost went crazy with it, got institutionalized in an asylum not just the rehab and was still going thru therapy. To think I let him drive me home? My bestfriend must have thought I was desperate.
Well, crazy as I was about other things, I'm not that desperate yet. I didn't talk to him after that and as for the date, I made sure I had a nice little scissors in my purse to protect me with, a nice pepper spray to spray him with, holy water and some salt to sprinkle him with just in case. Back at my place, I packed some things, brought the dog to my parents house and, stayed there for a while just in case he decides to stalk me back there. That was one thing I can't forgive him for and that was the last time as well that I would let him set me up on a date. Talk about scary dates, huh?
I almost had a nervous breakdown because of the fright. Well, I thought that it was just unfair that I set him up with the creme de la creme in my circle of friends and he sets me up with a nice looking but stark, raving lunatic. Anyway, Like any quarrels that we have, I've got to forgive at some point, after all he was my best friend and I figured it wasn't his fault that one of his closest friend was nuts so we went on the business of being friends again. After that we just have each other.
I cook lunches and dinner for both of us and bring it to work, I held parties at my place for his friends sometimes because his area was not in the good part of the city that unless your idea of a party is a knife sticking out of your sides when you leave then that’s not the place for you, I was the one that he borrows money from whenever he's running a little short after a round of dates with different women, like I don't have siblings that I help send to school and keep a family together isn't tight enough for me already ,still I didn't mind. Aside from being a shoulder to cry on, someone he could talk to after an escapade, teach him about a thing or two about the trade, wooing other girls for him and being on call at any point of the day while living in opposite parts of the city, I was all set to be the greatest door mat ever. Talk about low self-esteem and getting a life. I was giving more than I could offer and taking all the scrap that I could get, for what?
It was that time I realize that I needed other friends and expand my circle a bit. I went back to my old friendships and found some nice ones along the way so I was finally getting a life apart from that friendship. He must have realized that I was slipping away so he became nicer, more sensitive and a bit more attentive. I can’t believe that I was being lavished with all this niceties. I probably imagine even a bit of jealousy one time with another guy from work. He was just a friend though. And when you’ve got a friend that appreciates you for being who and what you are, won't you be extending the same courtesy? But why would he confront me about it?My bestfriend wasn’t in the least bit in me interested like that guy was so I thought about keeping my options open but soon as other guys takes notice of me he jumps right at the gun.
That's what I don’t understand. He treats me as his sister, open doors for me like I'm his mother, but sets me aside like any trash after taking what I had to offer and yet when other people gets the best of me, he was quick to reprimand me about it. Well, .I didn’t stop him from going to all those friendly dates he had but he tries to stops me from being a friend to this one? I've probably offered him the best of me but he took it for granted and so, I might just as well give it to other people who wants it. I've got to keep me for myself at some point.
Self-preservation is the first instinct that you have when you find yourself under siege of all the bickerings and fault finding. It’s not even healthy for anyone to have his or her life revolving around just one person and so I tried to leave and forget the feeling. But I was already trapped. I probably was even more than trapped because I was a willing prisoner to all of it. Sometimes, most of the things that you don't say are the ones that tells it all. You have to admit it to yourself in silence and deny yourself the truth while in public. No matter how much you yak and cry about it, there's no changing it. The fact remains that what you thought was there was probably just in fact a figment of your imagination so unless you gather enough courage to leave, you just might set yourself up for mutilation and die from the pain and the agony that comes with it by choosing to stay. Surely it’s a two way blade but there's probably more chance of survival in leaving than to stay to hold and your heart up for shredding. I folded because I realized that no matter how many coins you throw at a fountain and probably, the hundreds of time that you get the bony part out of a wishing bone if it's not meant to be , it just won't. You get all scrambled up after all of it but like any other endeavors, you'll probably breeze thru it. Screaming and beaten but nevertheless fine. If you're in the business of cleaning up after other people's mess, most of the time, you end up wallowing in it, I did. And the sad part about that I was the only one doing it. So I’ve just got to be aware next time. As Leo Buscaglia said, “You don't choose love. it chooses you." So I don't worry about it now even if it has been ten years and still stretching. And it’s probably better to not force myself on someone ever. I have to think it over as well.But anyway we probably do stupid things in our lives every once in a while and we all make mistakes. Nobody ever said that life was perfect right? but then again that's the beauty of it. It's not perfect but we can make it as perfect as how we think perfection should be. Changes should be made once in a while, so long as we never stray from our values and ideals and the patience to cultivate more patience as we go along.Maybe then we’ll get lucky next time.
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Like being Single isn't hard enough... there's dating?
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Oct 29, 2007 6:21 am
507 Views
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I was just about to sleep the other night when I chance upon a song by Dionne Warwick called “ All the time” on the radio. It got me thinking about my love life in general. It’s not that there actually is a love life because it really is non-existent till now but the lack of it just blows my mind away. You see, I don’t know if people can believe this but for the longest time now, I don’t have a boyfriend. Ten years now, actually. Yes, ten long years.
Now that I come to think about it, well, that’s more than a prison sentence, isn't it?say for example, for breaking and entering ? You could get two to three years tops for it, I guess, depending. But I was the one who got broken into=) and got my heart broken as well when I started entering relationships that probably isn’t ripe for the picking yet anyway so what crime did I do? Well, that’s probably more time for anyone who's trying to cross the Sahara desert on foot and live to tell about it than me finding at least one boyfriend in all those years .They must have met more oases on the way than I did on the road that I’ve been traveling. I mean, like hell! the Philippine Constitution was revised in a shorter period than that and no girl for that matter should ever be allowed to walk the streets all that time without a boyfriend except when maybe she’s a nun or something. What was I thinking???
Well probably like always, I wasn’t. All that time I didn’t go out looking for a relationship thinking that if love should ever find me worthy it will come looking for me. It must have taken a detour somewhere and overlooked the signs I posted everywhere just to be able to reach me coz it’s taken all these time and I still haven’t found a non-abrasive boyfriend yet. Or maybe then again, I probably was too busy to have notice all of it coming at one point.
But I notice the lack of it though. During the Holiday seasons I notice it, as everyone’s faces is beaming with love around that time and all you want to do is hibernate around that time just so at least you’re dead to the world when all that has been happening. It even gets colder at nights and early mornings as well so you want to be hugged a bit more and cuddle up a little longer, and sleep a little late as well because it’s the holidays, right? But NO, you can only have about five hours of sleep you’ve got tons and tons of pillows to keep you warm at nights and keep you company as well .You wake up to get a hot shower in the mornings as you try desperately to shove the coldness off your skin of yet another uneventful and dreamless night .And so it goes that you reach Christmas mornings to open gifts that you bought for yourself. Not wanting to open it anymore as you already know what you’ll get, killing all the excitement that you have for the season. By the time you reach the New Year,(that’s if you still want to go through it sober or sane) you’re probably making a resolution that this year would be different as the last one coz this year, you’re going to have a significant other.
But it still a year as any as it went past you and you realize that it’s still the same. You go to work the whole week. Friday nights will still be the same as you know that you’d probably spend it with friends, Saturday you’re probably set off for a DVD marathon of a series on TV you never get to watch ,as you’re so busy at work and that’s after you do the laundry the whole day and get the place tidy up for after a week of scrambling to and from work. If you have the time on Sundays , you catch up reading a good book, visit a friend, go out of town and back again the same day and catch up with all the things that you don’t have time for during a busy week. The weekend has barely sink in and before you know it the whole week is already laid out for you again.
And all work week,Take outs and a lot of fast food will take your fancy now as home cooking gets to be bland for a while especially if the only one who can appreciate it are your pets. They can’t even tell the difference between being too salty or spicy or whatever the taste should be while you’re just cooking it. It even gets to a point sometime when you just want to crash at a friends house for a month as the only living thing happy to see you when you get home is your dog because it knows that dinner is coming. It even just looks at you an odd way when you try to tell it that you’ve just had a bad day then go to its corner and sleep without so much as a bark for encouragement.
As if that’s not bad enough, what about the times when you got an invitation for a friend’s wedding or a party and you get a plus one on your invitation if they’re not sure you’ve already got a plus one in your life. Two weeks has passed and you still haven’t got a date so you decide to go alone again and or if you want to be creative sometimes, that occasion will leave you scrambling for a very discreet gay friend’s number to be your date hoping that no one would notice that, well, he’s looking for the same thing that you’re looking for and he just adds up to the competition for you. It gets you thinking that there’s no more cruel fate than this and this is a good day as any other to jump off a building and inflict bodily harm to yourself. It’s a good thing, I’m a little afraid of heights and I don’t want to inflict bodily harm to myself so I’m just happy to be alive and looking forward to the next date that I’m gonna have and so….
Well, that’s just some of the things that you have to go through when you don’t have a love life you could probably relate at some point. If you’re a single woman living alone that’s a feat and, I just hope no woman is ever stupid enough to go through ten years of waiting ever again and if she does - crucify her. It would be such a waste since the thing that she’s waiting for might be something that doesn’t even exists… All the time then, I was just thinking that there’s more to life than the dates you went out with or you weren’t able to go to, The men who took one glance at you and went out walking the other way, who needs them anyway? Now I’m just trying something new. Once in a while, apart from trying to kill myself most of the time from of the boredom, loneliness and the solitude of it all I’m going to start dating again .Now the battle is far from over coz it may have just begun. To survive all those years it was - mind over matter for me. I don’t mind and, men who doesn’t want to be loved by me or don’t want to love me doesn’t matter .That will probably still be the case. I mean I’ve waited this long surely a few more miles won’t hurt.
Patience is a virtue that I’ve acquired all those time so you can’t pin me for being impatient. Then all the pent up energies and emotions can be released as if I’ve been waiting for everything and nothing at the same time when the time comes. For now, I’m just happy just to be. After all, like the song says ‒To think I had it all, all the time”. I’m sure that I’ll be able to give it all away as well just as that. I’m sure I can please in more ways than one so I wouldn’t worry about it so much I just hope that I’ll get through without so much as a scratch on my beautifully manicured fingernails though.
The big fish gets that way by not being caught anyway so there’s probably more to it than the bad dates that I’ve had like men who can’t think way past their groins or the men who almost made it but just couldn’t hold it up to be able to look beyond the surface and a lot of other things really. It’s a scary thought for me but we have to face our fears at one time or another so wish me luck I guess. I’ll be out there. You can check on it as well if you like. I’ll probably be more than happy to let you work at it as well.Cheers!
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