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Wild and Free...
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Jan 24, 2012 12:19 am
839 Views
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“If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary”
- Mark Twain
I was almost there. I almost made it. oh yes, I really really thought that I can make it. I was easing into it actually. I'm getting comfortable with the thought of NOT doing it with each passing day. Funny, how i thought I had it in the bag. I was really thinking that I'll win this battle this time. I always thought of myself as a soldier and a survivor to these things after all. Most of the time, I barely recognize myself when I am in it and even after. I really thought that it'll be just as easy as the last time. I've been through this many times before anyway and so, I said I'd never fall for it again. I don't want to be taken for a fool and risk being hurt again. hmm, well,maybe I really am just a crazy fool sometimes and maybe just as stupid coz I find myself falling for it just as easy.Sigh!
I know, know. I said I won’t do it again but well... what can I say, I’m a sucker when it comes to these things. Maybe I just like being crazy sometimes.I actually like the feeling it gives me especially when things are getting chaotic, dirty and mushy and all that. Yeah, that kind of crazy.
Maybe I like the feeling of sometimes being the only person that can give light to it. It’s the only thing that I take back from all of it anyway. You know, the part when you don’t even know the outcome of it yourself but then again when you wrack your brains long and hard enough you'll just realize that the answer was there right in front of you. I like that feeling sometimes, I just find it funny too. Maybe it's all the distraction that I need too just to survive the tediousness, negativity and disenchantment that i have in my life as well. Yeah, it’s really hard letting go of it all. I’m craving for that natural high that people have when in love and about neck deep into the feeling. I’m thinking that that’s the feeling of being in a romance, the unshakable feeling when you're flirting with disaster and even the potential possibility that maybe this time, I’ll nail the problem right in the head and get rid of the longing forever . Oh well, I was thinking that by now, I'm already immune to it. After all it's one of the things that drives me to move along anyway and live my life at the same time. The anticipation of all of it, the excitement, the freedom it gives me, the possibility of failure especially when its not an option just drives me nuts so I’m scouring things in my life just to do and just to find it too. That's how it is I guess when in love. You just pour your heart out into it and forge on ahead sometimes, more than always I don’t even think about the consequences of all of it. I don't think it matters as to how many times I do it anyway, as long as I’m in it and just keep on doing it, the feeling would just be the same. The jitters, the excitement, the craziness and all those things..
They say it happens when you least expect it and sometimes it’s the only thing that could save you. Well, most of the time I do it to fill that emptiness and the void that comes up especially during the Holidays. It creeps up stronger than ever during those times. So just when I thought that I’ve tried my hardest and that things may never change it just amazes me sometimes to know that I can still get close to that feeling and I’m still able to make it happen each time.
I call it fillers sometimes, It’s the feeling you have after falling so hard with the one you thought could be the love of your life that came along. It fills you with things to do while waiting. I was actually thinking that I couldn’t do it, but then these fillers make me realize that the one thing I tried so hard to avoid could just about be the only thing I need to save myself from all of it.
I tried not to care so much about it anymore. I even tried to push it away. But then again when it presented itself up to me, I realized that I need it more than ever and just grab on to it, hold on to it like it’s the only thing that I could ever have to do in this lifetime.
I probably am getting too old for this. I was actually thinking of all the times that I’ve been hurt and all the things that I have to be and have to do just to make it when I'm in it. I am hating myself for going through all the motions again but loving myself too for going through all of it again if ever I come out of it unscathed and alive as a matter of speaking. I found my love and my all my friends in it too. Just an affair maybe, but at least I had all the validation that I need once I a while in this lifetime.
I decided to take the plunge (Again!). I figured my friends would be there to pick up the pieces with me when I fall and I am thinking that I’ve a strong network of family and friends to back me up if I do fall. What do I have to lose anyway, right?
And it surely would be a waste not to do it. Just when I thought that it’s one of the things that gives me another heartache, I found my remedy in it as well.
2012- Youth Pageant..
NObody thought that I could do it in under a week. I say we could, and I say it's possible. and we did!
Never mind that I'm like a bear walking at work and at home for lack of sleep. It comes with the feeling I guess.lol! It's a good thing my friends are there to catch me. Luckily I didn't fall.I Was just so ecstatic with the outcome and I'm thinking that I can get used to the feeling as well. Wohoo!
As Franklin Roosevelt once said- We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.
it's a good thing that I could lend a helping hand there once in a while. WIthout a love of my own and someone to be with, at least there are people and things that i could do for now to keep me company while waiting.
Loving more people and filling my life’s vessel with the little things I could do for other people while I can and WHILE I still can.
SO for those who love me and those who don’t … A cry for every parting, a salute to those who stayed. Maybe time won’t ever let us be together but I’m glad for the times we shared.
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