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......SO BITE ME!!!
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Oct 15, 2011 4:41 pm
2374 Views
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Whenever I meet new people, I'd usually ask if they've already eaten, what they want to do, where do they want to go, how their day was and almost everything that's probably important at that meeting. I mean if they went out of their way just to see me, I might as well make it worth their while and make a difference somehow that I was there at all. I wouldn't usually ask too many questions about themselves in the first few meetings lest they think I'm nosy and rude and I actually don't have the habit of talking about other people other lives than the person that I'm meeting in our meetings. I figured that if they want to talk about certain areas in their lives that they're comfortable talking to me about , they would tell me. I just respect them well enough not to pry about other things that they might not be too comfortable to talk about.
I usually don't think about other agendas that they may have other than being my acquaintance or probably a friend. And so I usually let them talk about what they want to talk about, even let them think what they want to think about even of me, and do whatever they want to do so long as it doesn't interfere in any way whatsoever as to how I am going to be treated and vice-versa. I usually reserve my judgments until the time that they ask for it or whenever it's needed.
I, on the other hand, would usually talk about my family, my circle of friends, my job and school and probably everything about me, what I am, what I'm not, What I can and can't do, what I want to be, my personal life and probably everything about me as well coz that's what I hold important and I'm thinking that if they'd want to be my friends they would want to know some of those stuff as well.
I actually don't have the habit of talking about other people's business and every other mundane things that other people do in their lives, it.s their life anyway.And I don't have ant right whatsoever to pass judgements on people just because they've lived their lives the way they want to. And if I tell them anything about my life, it would probably be better to reserve judgments until they are asked, until the time that we 'd be spending our lives together as friends, dates or partners or anything and vice-versa.
There's a time and reason for everything as the good book says, and there's probably a good reason why I am what I am. I won't dare to question God for all my sufferings and all the anguish coz I never question him anyway whenever I feel happy and blessed. I'm blessed in more ways than one, I'm proud of my family and what my family has become because of me, I have friends that will go through with me in whatever it is that I'm going through, I can buy my onw things, I've got a good job, I'm studying again, I could pay for my own beer and ride a cab if I want to, I'm loved not only by my family and friends but a lot of other people that I was able to reach out to and was able to help in more ways than one, I have people that trusts me just by my face value alone and there are people that likes me just for my character alone. And I could die at anytime without regretting anything as I tried to be good and did my best in just about anything that ever mattered in my life. Now that's more than anybody could say for themselves. I mean, I'm not rich or anything but I am truly blessed with just about everything that I need.
I write and talk about things that I feel that's important and have great relevance in my life.I actually do not write and talk about them just so people would say that I'm smart or witty or anything. I probably am in most things but I just don't want to talk about it. lest they say I'm bragging about it and they'd think that I'm all talk. And I think that the best way to go about it is let people people talk about your merits and just be thankful for it.
Now I only write about things that's worth my time as well. I usually mind my own business and I actually am not in the business of talking about other people's business as well. Even as a girl I hate to be branded as a gossip coz that's what people do when they don't have anything better to do in their lives. They'd talk about other people pretending that they mean the best for them but what they want to do really is feel better about themselves by thinking that they probably are better living the kind of life that they lead. They let you think that they know a lot of things about other things and people but they probably don't realize that their breath stinks even from across the table or they badly needed to change their deodorants coz people can smell a rat from where they're standing. They were probably too busy thinking about what they should say to let other people think that they're interesting and that they know a lot that they forgot to fix their lives as well. I hate to sound righteous but I've got better things to do than do all that .
Through my blogs, I'm letting you know how my life was, is and probably will be , what I think about and what I really am as a person. I think that I'm risking exposure through all this but that's the only way I can let people know how and what I am as a person. It probably wouldn't matter to a lot of people but it would certainly matter to anyone who's ever interested in me for anything as a person other than what I think about other people or a lot of stuff that doesn't concern us both if we're going to be anything at all. I can't force myself on anyone anyway.
They've got to take me as I am and I with them. If they don't want what I write about now that's their problem and not mine. I'm not forcing anyone to read it anyway. I've read worse blogs in my life and blogs are not the end all and be all of everything in our lives. Believe me.
Now if you're gonna tell me to stop writing about things that I'm writing about, I'd tell you to continue on with your medication and stay away from mine. We all make mistakes once in a while, the strong ones and the weak ones alike but the only difference is that strong people have the courage to admit they were wrong, learn from it then move on from there. Life is complicated as it is so you've got to learn to let go of things that doesn't even concern you anymore.
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You Can Stay Too...
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Sep 27, 2011 6:30 am
1441 Views
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Hmmm. I must be dreaming. I knew it wasn’t that long that I slept. It was dark but I can see the light coming from the lamp post outside my kitchen window. It feels so cold. And I can hear water running like a river or a falls I guess. In the faint light, I can see this place looks familiar. It’s a bit different with all the mess but I know that this is my place.
Hmmm….Wet dreams??? Nice! So that is what it feels like to be so drunk and having wet dreams. I like it. But is that how it’s supposed to feel? Hmmm. Maybe it’s started as a wet dream and now I’m peeing? It must be really good as I’ve wet my bed too. Sheesh! I can feel the water flowing in my legs now, and so with my back and the blanket. I felt water all around me and it feels like I’m swimming in it. I slowly reached for my vadge and held it to control my peeing. I need to force myself awake now, I‘m wetting the bed. I’ve reached my vadge, but my hand and my shorts aren’t wet. I am not sure if it’s possible but could it be…. Diarrhea?? Shit!! No, I don’t smell anything nasty. And as soon as I got up, I felt like I was clobbered with something. My head is aching so badly and I’m all dizzy as well. Gees! that’s when it dawned on me, this isn’t a dream it’s literally a nightmare!
It’s not raining outside but there’s flood in my house. I remember being with you so I reached beside me to see if you were there. Well, the blanket is still empty. Where the hell could you be at this time of the night? I called your name. There was no answer. I got up to see if you were in my bed among them. With the faint light, I looked but it’s still just the three musketeers. I opened the lights then. I saw that the sink is overflowing. There’s water coming from the bathroom but you weren’t around. I opened the lights to the bathroom to see if you were there and found the door locked. I knocked but you weren’t answering. I think I might be panicking and I’m moving as fast as I can but everything was in slow motion and everything is turning around.
I went to get the keys, tried to wake everyone up but nobody’s doing that yet. I can’t fit the keys to the damn door. .I so wanted to bang my head in it to stop the pounding as well. Ugh… wait a minute let me think. Tsk! Like I can with all these? You gotta be kidding me. I was able to open the door a bit and pushed harder to take a peek. No wonder I can’t open it, your six foot frame was blocking it. I had to squeeze myself inside and give it a push till I got in. I literally had to slid myself down the wall to be able to sit across to where you’re lying. I saw that you made a pillow out of your shirt. How did it get there anyway? With all your puke floating in the water, I thought you must have taken it off before you passed out. I tried to shake you awake but you’re not answering either. I was thinking of standing up to kick you just then. We had a few drinks but you look like you O.D-ied in something. If I get out of the toilet now, I might not be able to get back in coz you’d be blocking the door again.
I checked if you were still breathing. I put my hand up to your nose and the side of your neck for a pulse. I can’t go anywhere near your face I’m afraid you’d wake up and throw up again. If you do and my face is in there…. ahehehe! No way man!
I went to shaking you harder now. And then I heard you moan but I still can’t say if you’re okay. . And I can’t move you. You’re too big for me to carry and you might have fallen and broken something. I don’t know. I got the shower head to wash you awake. I pulled you up to sit and force you at al least in a sitting position, got the soap and shampoo and worked on giving you a shower. I was actually thinking of beating you with the shower head and see if that’ll wake you up. Gawd! You’re so drunk that I could you here, take advantage of you and you still wouldn’t know. That actually crossed my mind. But nah! You wouldn’t enjoy that and that’s just so low. And well this is really ridiculous. I can’t believe that this is how you are when you get drunk. My hands were already all over your body with soap but you still didn’t know. I washed your face, your armpits and your tummy but still you’re not awake. How could you be so stupid, as to get this drunk and you can’t handle it? I had to slap you to see if that will work. You opened just one eye and gave out a silly grin and went back to sleeping again. I pulled your hair then and shook it hard sideways forwards and backwards. Amazing! You still haven’t waked up. And so I waited. I actually peed in front of you and I just covered myself with the towel by the rack while I’m washing down in case you wake up but then I don’t think it’s happening yet. So I sat there and tried to get some sleep too, both of us sitting there. Me on top of the toilet bowl cover while you’re on the floor, sitting, still all wet. You just stood up all of a sudden, I felt you move and I stood up as well thinking you were sleepwalking. You just said I needed to get out I said ok. But before I was able to, you dropped your boxers in front of me then and told me you had to poop. I don’t know if I’d kick you, beat you down with the shower head or laugh. I looked at you and took a peek down there. Oh yes, I must admit I’m really impressed but then the thought of you pooping demanded me to turn my attention elsewhere. WTF! Lol!
You didn’t even bother to close the door. I didn’t bother closing it for you. And as I turn my back and walked out I realized that I was shaking. I’m thinking I was just cold from the shower but then I realized that I feel like crying and laughing at the same time. I don’t ever want to be this drunk. And I have never experienced anything like this before. I realized I’m shaking because I got scared and relieved at the same time that you were okay. I thought that you had a heart attack. It was worse than the diabetic seizure that you put me through the last time. At least if it was just a seizure, I had your permission to kick you awake If don’t have sweets and don’t know what to do and, to leave you there to rot. And I felt like peeing, laughing and crying again , you’re making me into a nervous wreck. Damn you!
I went to my closet and got you some clothes. I picked one oversized shirt and as I don’t have any shorts that would fit you, I thought I’d give you the biggest shorts that I had, only it has a big hole in it. Lol! Serves you right anyway if they see your thingy just hanging there. I hung it on my shoulders and woke everyone up or else the blasted flood would have us all electrocuted.
I went about closing the faucets. I got the mop and 3 pails under the sink. The musketeers have woken up and were all cleaning up too, thank goodness. And as I tell them what happened I also told them not to look inside the toilet as you’re all naked.lol! They help in mopping floors and getting the water in the pails by a dust pan. You were all quiet in the toilet as I peeked again to hand you my clothes. But you’re just sitting there. What??? waiting for the poop to drop? I sat by the bar chair and waited. I noticed you’re not moving again and you’re not pooping. When I heard you snore I told myself that that was it! Gosh, I felt like drinking again just to calm my nerves. And so I went inside, dried you up and forced you to wear my clothes. I even have to help you into the shorts. ’the hell! tsk!tsk!tsk! Now this is too much. I can’t believe that I’m doing this. I brushed the back off my wrist ever so slightly on your thingy as I’ve lost all my will power not to at least feel it and turned sideways for the door.LOL! I felt your body stiffening and you suddenly opened your eyes. I didn’t mean to do that of course or did I?Lol! But now you’re all awake. Sweet! lol!I smiled and led you out the door and to my bed where you could sleep. Prop up the pillows and let you lie down to sleep. Good boy. Sleep now.
The three musketeers were all busy getting all the water out. It dissipated quickly anyway once they opened the door and I told he guy to shut it. I decided to take a shower. My head is still pounding. I took my time in the showers so I wouldn’t have to help the three musketeers in cleaning up.
Good thing everything’s almost all cleaned by the time I got out. They were still mopping the floors when I came out and everything’s washed already. Nice! I put your clothes in machine for a quick spin and dry. And the tank top and shorts that I put on after the shower made me feel good as well. The girlfriend asked for a blanket and since I couldn’t just throw them out right away anyway, I pointed her to where my blankets are. I can hardly eat anything yet but I stayed with them as they made breakfast. I put on Bonnie Raith’s CD on. I thought the blues could help calm my nerves.
Well, as the three musketeers made a bed on the floor again. I slowly crept to bed so I won’t wake you up. Whew! I feel so good to be in bed.
I lied down and looked at you while you were sleeping. Your breathing’s even now and you’re snoring a bit which made me smile. I don’t know why I put up with this. But I don’t know if I could ever get mad at you. You opened your eyes all of a sudden and I was still staring. I forgot that you always wake up at this time every day. Good morning then. You were wondering where you were. Good thing I helped you with the clothes, that’s probably what you’re thinking right now! Lol! Well, your virtue is still safe. I didn’t you if that’s what you’re thinking. I told you to have your breakfast and coffee by the table and get out of bed as I’m not used to sharing my bed with anyone. I turned my back, got a pillow to hug and went about the business of sleeping. I hugged my pillow tighter and pushed myself farther to the wall. I won’t dare come closer as I might be crossing a line and we both hate that. I never want to be the first one to cross that line anyway.
But I don’t know, it felt good to find your arms finding its way across my body to land on my belly after you had your breakfast and cleaned yourself up some more. I must have forgotten to tell you that you’re to sleep with them and not with me. But I just pretended to be sleeping. You scooted on closer behind me as I pretended to be asleep I got so lost in the whirlwind of emotions that night,I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought that it was the best spooning that I had in all my life. It’s just ironic that we haven’t gone to the sex part yet or if we’re ever going to anyway. I pretended to still be sleeping and move a bit. Truth is, I made room for you to move around. I moved a bit and you moved closer. I can feel you breathing down the back of my neck now probably smelling my hair. I felt you pulled me closer, I’m glad that I was a hugging a pillow. My heart is pounding so hard and so loud that I’m thinking that it’s going to burst and you’ll hear. I moved again this time to put my other leg on top of the pillow that I was hugging .I hope you’re thinking that I’m asleep. You moved closer again and this time, I was thankful that I’m not facing you as eyes flew wide open when I felt your man-hood growing behind my butt.
Sweet!!!
To be continued….
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The Seven Year Itch
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Sep 19, 2011 4:31 pm
1607 Views
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This was LIKE the closest thing I have to a marriage. It’s seven years for me.
It started as just a present I wanted to have for myself around the holiday season and so I’d be able to give something back. Something for the kids and for other people that makes me happy all year round. It’s a gift I give to myself and keep the feeling for the whole year as well day in and day out. I made a vow to do it anyway. It’s keeping tradition and sticking with it no matter how hard loving and helping people can get.For me it was to give something of myself, change for the better, be better and change the worst, It’s like trying to make a difference not only to me but for other people as well.
Doing and having all these doesn’t make me feel so alone. They say it’s give and take in a marriage but I haven’t come around to receiving anything yet. Lol! Or have I? But no worries. It’ll come I’m sure.Well, It started out as just having parlor games for the kids, so every child would have a gift for Christmas and the New Year. Usually around this month every year I start to get busy for these things. Trying to secure venues, asking for donations and gifts for kids, looking for sponsors and funding to the events, buying gifts, wrapping them, organizing games, getting candidates, participants or performers for pageants, concerts and games etc.. Of course, the biggest share and sacrifice would be mine since I started it. I just can’t expect people to pitch in big time right away as these are changes that I’m trying to do for me and so I have to work for it. But later on, what do you know a lot of people want in on it. I love that.
Well, the first time that I did it, I did it just to pass my time around the Holiday season. I was just trying to do something so I won’t feel that I’m still alone. I’d have kids around me, my friends and family as well. I would have tons of things to do around this seasons and I’d forget that another year has passed sharing my life with just work and my so called vocation outside of it.
I was asked just recently what’s it going to be this time and was asked when I’m gonna start collecting gifts for the kids. I just said that it’s too early. (Honestly I just don’t want to do it and I don’t have that much feelings for it anymore.) They’re asking me how many kids would I like to give gifts for this time. (I couldn’t care less anymore, there were so many of them I stopped counting.) But I can’t answer that just yet and now I find myself having to think long and hard if I’m still going to do it. I’m just wasn’t sure about it already. Hmmmm!(The marks of indifference and the makings of a scrooge , I see. But I couldn't care less anymore)
It’s funny when people think that I’d get money out of it and a bit unfair for people to be thinking that it’s to further an ambition…. Ahmmm.. I don’t have political plans and I’m thinking that I’m not cut out to be a public servant anyway, I just think that public service could be very ungrateful sometimes too. It added to the reason as well that I lost my father. That's just not so easy to take.
I just wanted something that I could keep. It’s the little things that could make me happy. I’m hoping that they can just find it in their hearts to be happy that there are people that are still doing that. I just want to be happy by trying to make other people happy anyway. I wasn’t thinking of any ambition or further gain while I was doing all that. I just thought that it was fun.
The only thing that I get out of it anyway is being able to give back and give parts of me. And though I don’t have much, at least they’d have something to receive and remember. I also just want to remember something that I did that was somehow special for other people. To at least share something, to show them that I can care, love and cherish even just a few people that I don’t even know. To teach myself to love people more. I was so lonely back then and I just wanted to be happy. It’s much harder to care for people that you don’t even know as well, but that’s a challenge for me actually. It’s being able to start caring about other people other than me, my family and friends. I thought that maybe if I go out of my circle and practice caring for people more, I’d be comfortable doing it somehow. It’ll beat the longing to care for just one person.
I started with just a handful of kids to give presents to. So they could be happy as well. It’s just a few kids back then but now it’s gotten bigger each year. I didn’t mind walking around the neighborhood asking people for gifts then. I thought it gave me my purpose of somehow even for a while I made people happy too.
I just love how their faces lit up during any activity for the season. The thank you’s kisses and hugs that these children bring. Even when they’re whining about their gifts they’re still so cute and I love that. It makes all the efforts that I put into it all worthwhile. I love it that people’s faces are all glued at that spectacle that the pageants are making and sometimes it goes on for months and they still rememeber.It somehow became an addiction for me each time too. The looks in people’s faces, the hard work, the fun and the cheers after an event is just exhilarating sometimes that that was my orgasm. Funny that every time I do it, I am always just thinking of having to do something during this time of the year and forget that I’m still just waiting . Well, I can’t wait for that special person forever so I decided to do something special myself, for myself. That’s enough for me.
But I’ll probably stop doing all this altogether this year. I can’t imagine just how sad it made me when my pops blood pressure shot up with an accusation that led to his stroke by the end of the month coming from some people we were doing this out to. He was too good I think to be able to walk away from all that and just kept it inside. And though it was hard to love people that much, they now know how he tried to. He didn’t want his family to be involved. And all of us were already involved.
I just don’t feel that I like it anymore. Its hard and it’s painful already. It’s not fun anymore. I feel that somehow I still have an obligation but that’s all bullshit now. I don’t know if I could go back to loving it again too. It’s starting to get to me somehow that I’m called a lot of things that are really not in me and my intentions.
Well, there are still some people who see and appreciate the beauty of it. They’re trying to get me into it again now, I just want to abandon it altogether.
One time, an indigenous parent came out to me and said that what I gave the children after the games was all they had for “Media Noche” on New Year’s eve. My pops said that that should be my reason for doing it. It wasn’t just from me. A lot of people pitched in for that, not just me. I asked her to please pass it forward if she can and remember that someone did that for them at one time or another and that there are people that are trying to love and care about other people too. It should always be a season to be giving.
Hmmm. Now anybody could do all that and say that anyway.
I think I did all this so I could forget how miserable and lonely life can be at times and by helping I’d forget that I was. It doesn’t feel much that way when you’re the one who’s helping. But it’s painful now and I feel miserable about it too. It shouldn’t feel this way. Helping should make you feel good not miserable. Everybody deserves to be happy anyway. And they could have it any which way they like it.
I’m just going to be more grateful with all the things that I have even if they’re just little things for now. I only want one thing anyway. Mom says that maybe the reason why that thing that I want is still not given to me is because there’s a lot of people that I could still give it to and needs me as well. Hmmm, I really don’t know. Sometimes I doubt it already.
I‘m tired. I don’t feel like doing all that anymore. I‘m sure there are other ways that I could be happy again around the holiday season. After all It’s the season to be jolly anyway. So I’m sure I’m gonna be alright. I understand that I might still not be able to have the gift that I always want anyway so I just have to be contented with making just me happy this time.
Never a good thing to be selfish I think. But I don’t know, there’s a lot of time to think about that anyway. I’m just saying that I can’t do that right now or MAYBE not here ever, I still don’t know. I’m forgetting the reasons why I’m doing it in the first place but there’s still time. I guess.
I made a vow didn’t I?I'm keeping it.
Maybe I’ll just have an affair and just take it someplace else. I could do it anywhere anyway. Maybe I’m still just hurt that’s why I’m saying this. Or maybe I’ll find better things to do as well and for back up, maybe I’ll start saving for tequila and vodka again just for the holidays, huh? It’ll go on without me anyway anyhow, so I’ll chill for now. So sad.
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You Can Stay...
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Sep 9, 2011 11:56 pm
1523 Views
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well, I see this one isn't any different.LOL!!
It felt weird that you wanted to have a party. Mostly it was usually hanging out at restaurants, burger joints and coffee shops. Before it was Baywalk over at the Manila bay listening to bands till the wee hours of the morning. It was close to where you live and you didn’t even consider that I live over in Quezon City, the farthest part of it and at the other side of town but heck no worries I didn’t have anyone to come home to on Friday nights anyway. So I was happy to get along with it. These are not dates anyway, after all you were my bestfriend.
I was thinking that maybe for a change, you were thinking of my welfare. You said you wanted to cook tacos for me. Well, I said that so long as I don’t have to buy anything we can have tacos and drinks over at my place. I was thinking you were saving up for a date so you didn’t want to go anywhere fancy or maybe you were just too tired of going out and I said OK. And since we always go with some of our friends I went ahead and invited everyone since it may be awkward for you too to be just the two of us drinking. You seemed to be surprised that even a friend’s boyfriend is coming over while we were at the groceries on our way home. Did I miss telling you about that?
You said that you were just worried we might not fit into my place. I said well, if they’re really are our friends I’m sure they wouldn’t mind and asked you if you could you please just go ahead and buy the damn ingredients, my feet is killing me for these shoes that I got. For that, you went to an aisle for slippers and picked one for me. Told me to go over the counter, pay for it then with the money that you gave me, wear it then come back to the meat section. I gave you the sweetest smile then. You always do that to shut me up when I’m complaining about shoes. I’ve got about 5 slippers that you bought on Friday nights that we go out so I’ll come with you.Sweet!
Anyway, the people I invited for your Tacos brought their own drinks too. They brought their own food as well as you can see. Hmmm. And I was thinking that this will probably turn out to be a nice party after all. I wonder what we were celebrating anyway except that I just hope that some of them actually stay to clean up. But oh well, the party was just starting.
Hey,the Tacos didn’t disappoint. It was really good! I Remember we have this private joke about with tacos and just then you asked if you could put your beef in my tacos. I smiled. That was our euphemism for sex, but just then I laughed too coz the sex surely wasn’t with each other.lol! Everyone was quiet at first and then burst out laughing as I put my tacos up to you.
It was a private party between friends after all. And the drinks were coming from every direction. You might remember that there were seven of us there, two couples and the bestfriend of one of the couple, you and me.
I got drunk pretty easily and decided to lay down for a while.You said you wanted some music.I pointed you to my cd’s. You put Chris Cross on and then after than England Dan and John Ford Coley . At your age,I thought you’d pick Sinatra.It's more romantic I think. Lol! It was right beneath my sexy time CD’s. lol!Oh well, Everything was spinning already and I couldn’t stand it anymore.I feel like crying then as you all wanted me to join in. I can’t anymore, I’m getting scared. And so I decided to put my finger up my throat so I could puke in the toilet and then go to sleep already, I just couldn’t drink that much anymore then or so I thought.
You were still drinking with them. I had my eyes on you. You were so different that night. You must be hiding something. I Still tried to join the party even if I’m just so dizzy to get up and was already lying down in my bed. I like the conversations anyway. I just hope I wasn’t slurring too much when I’m pitching in. It’s a good thing were no partition in my place anyway as it is a studio. You were there at the mini bar with the kitchen directly behind it. You played host while I was lying down. Wow!! How sweet of you!
Well, I think, puking did the trick because after an hour, all of you were so drunk and though I’m still a bit dizzy, I was able to join the conversation again sit with you guys and then drink some more. As soon as I got up the couple and their bestfriend lied down in my bed. I don’t know what the occasion is but you sure pick a nice time to get drunk .I thought you didn’t do that anymore. A couple went up to leave and we both drank till the wee hours of the morning.
You said you wanted to talk. I let you. You wanted to talk to me about a friend that I have that you don’t seem to like and is thinking that that guy likes me. Hmmmm! And there I thought you’d be happy if I had a boyfriend. At least I wouldn’t be sticking around as often as I have before. I won’t be cramping your style with the girls that like you as well if I do have a boyfriend anyway. Why does it bother you that this guy likes me? And I asked you what’s wrong with the guy, you said that there’s really nothing wrong with the guy just that he’s all wrong for me.. How could you know that anyway? You just said that you just know. That’s it???
That’s your explanation??
Should I just take your word for it? I asked you once again but you won’t answer me.
Well, that’s unfair coz I don’t meddle in your affairs so why would you meddle into mine? We’re bestfriends alright but you know, I think I got this.
I asked you again if it bothers you and you gave me another drink instead. I told you to answer me or else I won’t stop. Did I get to you? You said you had to go to the toilet. Hmmm we’re back to avoiding tactics again I see. When you went back, I decided to change my line of questioning and asked if it bothers you that I like and that I’m friends with this guy? Why? Are you jealous? I did ask you that. But you told me not to be ridiculous coz I’m not that pretty and then smiled. Ah O.K! I don’t know what to think anymore anyway so we drank in silence for some time and talked about other things.
You asked me to go dancing with you I thought that was sweet. My sexy time cd’s were playing then you like that as well huh?the cd’s I mean. Mike Francis was singing “Friends” how very ironic and appropriate for us, it’s a just a pity that we were bestfriends you said and ranted on about Pauline Wilson’s “Stay”. Shut up! You’re ruining the mood. I like the lyrics. What’s up with the dancing anyway? But you know I liked that. I was just self conscious that the people that we’re with might just be pretending to be sleeping so I broke it off and then you started singing you know how I like it when you sing. Wow! a private show just for me. What’s up with all this??? You’re hazel eyes, is starting to look so beguiling and so charming. I did tell you it’s the most beguiling eye’s I've ever seen right? Not this time though, It’s actually weird.lol!!
Ahhh well now I know we’re both drunk.
By 1:30 in the morning I was so drunk and tired and told you I had to go to bed. I told you the same anyway. I ‘ll be making our bed. separately that is.aren’t you gonna say something? But oh well, I think we’re both drunk and as you always tell me not to do things I’ll regret when I’m drunk I think we’ll just both go to sleep.lol!!
Just then I realized and remembered that water supply is turned off by 11 oclock and turned on again by 3am and so I told you. I told you this already but you went ahead and open the faucets anyway. The sink faucets open, the bathroom is too. This, you said as we won’t be sleeping anyway so then we’ll know if it comes. In any case there’s water that I saved up anyway. So I told you that you can just leave the dishes in the sink till morning.
The three people that we ‘re with us is already sleeping by my bed. I only had chairs no couches and it’s uncomfortable to sleep in it so I made a bed for me on the floor and put some blankets and pillows for you nearby. I asked for the dog dish near the sink so if I puke again I didn’t have to go to the bathroom.
Just then I remembered to send a text message to my mom to tell her I won’t be able to go home since I’m with you and we’re out partying, but in my drunken state I texted you instead. I was so drunk that I slept right away just as you were telling me about it.
You went to the toilet you forgot that the switch for the light is outside. You were so drunk, you couldn’t see a thing. that’s probably when you decided to just passed out. You passed out in the bathroom floor covered by your own puke. It’s a good thing that you didn’t die choking in it and we both didn’t even know that you could drown in just an inch of water if we’re unconscious face down in it. You passed out in the bathroom floor covered by your own puke with just your boxers. I thought i told you never to get this drunk. You locked the door in that state while we were all sleeping. And just then water started flowing already.
To be continued….
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31
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So Good to See You....
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Aug 29, 2011 10:35 am
1352 Views
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If you want to find something
You have to stop looking
-Zen Koan
He’s getting married. I just felt my heart leaping out of my rib cage. It just feel like it doesn’t wanna be there anymore. Hmmmm. A little over reaction I guess as you remember a first. Nah! He wasn’t the first guy I ever slept with anyway. He was actually just the first guy, a former classmate in college, who I ever mustered my courage with to ask out. Let’s just call him Winston as that is his real name. But , well, I was thinking that I made a wrong choice back then. I probably didn’t wait enough. I probably wasn’t thinking too clearly again or maybe I was just too young. Hmmmm. Excuses!!! I don’ know but it seems wonderful to be walking down the aisle to where he’s standing. Sigh!!I guess I made a lot of wrong turns that led me to where I am now. You see, back then, it was actually just a choice between someone who’s aesthetically challenge but is so intelligent and someone who is fairly good looking but only has a lot of bullshit to say.
Well, I fell for him, head over heels actually. And I’m sure we’ll always have a way to remember something like that. He had a crush on me. The first man who ever had a crush on me in college. wohoo!! Nobody did have a crush on me when I was in high school. My hair was sticking out most of the time and they all hate my elephant pants during Saturdays for Scouting back then. Well, somehow you’ll always remember your firsts. Coz you see, I never forgot this one. I never forgot this first because it’s a resounding No! the first time I asked a guy out on a date. And all the while I thought that he had a crush on me. Sheesh!
That no must have stuck because after that rejection, I never spoke to him again. I feel that I’m at a loss for words when he’s around and was just too embarrassed to face him. And what’s even more embarrassing about that was that I never had the opportunity to redeem myself in anyway after it. I just never came near him again, EVER!!!!
I’m thinking that I probably acquired that attitude over the years whenever I have a bad experience with anything. I just felt so ashamed to be turned down by a guy I really, really like that I never asked anyone out ever again. And, well, the need didn’t really come up after that anyway as I did have a boyfriend after that, but I never forgot that experience. You know, I thought that somehow having a boyfriend would have gotten me through the shame of all of it coz after that I never did have to ask any guy out. My boyfriend was always the one who did the asking. And I guess it went pretty well as we were on for three years. I probably got over the shame of it somehow. But as silly as I am sometimes, whenever I see Winston in school I always think about the what if’s and might have beens for that love so to speak. I never did forget that I always had a crush on him too even now that he’s about to be married.
It’s funny, how my boyfriend was jealous of him most of the time. I actually didn’t understand it too. I mean my boyfriend was a really handsome guy (he actually looks like a young Robert de Niro ) and he’s very much accomplished in a way.
For me, back then, the choice was, If ever I had to sleep with any guy, would I like it to be with someone who I wanna wake up with in the mornings with or with someone who upon seeing his face would rather go back to sleep again so I couldn’t see his face in the mornings.lol!! This is between someone I really like but is not as handsome as the one who really likes me. Well, that’s what I was thinking back then so I made my choice.
But looking back now, I think that I never forgot how I was like hypnotized whenever Winston was speaking, I never did forget how I fell for that arrogance as he knows that he can beat me at any game. Even when he’s a bit insecure at times he makes up for it with his genius. He actually hated that I’m too nosy back in college. I hate it that he doesn’t talk as much. He couldn’t say a word to me too and somehow, I know that he also had a lot of charm. Oh well, maybe now I’m not so sure. I'm thinking that maybe i just spend so much time looking back and chase daydreams.
And though I always thought that his chinky eyes were adorable and his complexion every bit a man- a bit dark like glistening chocolates, My friends would ask me what I like about him he’s nowhere near cute. But then now, I really think that I may have rushed into a relationship back then, made the wrong turn then and maybe I should have just waited and chased him a bit more…
Two years after my boyfriend and I broke up, I went out looking for Winston again and somehow as I was never able to redeem myself or get back at him for that awful feeling that he gave me, I decided to pay him a visit, before deciding that I should just stalked him out in his last year in law school. I never can come near him again anyway and so that’s my last resort.
And yes, I was almost like Glenn Close in fatal attraction kind of crazy back then and though he’s nothing like Michael Douglas I just thought that we could really been something. It’s become the butt of jokes each time I’m with friends and I couldn’t believe I was able to do all that for months but then I was just thinking maybe that time it’ll be different. Nothing did change anyway. He still hates that I’m nosy. I still hate it that he doesn’t talk as much.
I knew every guard from my high school and college years, they’re the ones that I ask if he’s in class already. And then I go sit on a bench to wait for him till he gets out and go to the chapel to watch him pray. Well, I just stand out back so he won’t see and I brought friends along so sometimes he’ll think that I’m NOT really stalking him. I was really depressed about breaking up with what probably is one of the most beautiful relationship I had to date and was still trying to get the best substitute that I could have for that. I couldn’t find someone that he’d be more jealous of than Winston. I was thinking of all that all the while I was stalking and so I wanted it to be him. But then it was pointless already. They’re both gone anyway.
I remember seeing them talking once back in college once. I realized then just how lucky I was to have my boyfriend. No one has ever made me feel that way again. He actually said that once he breaks up with me no one would ever make me feel that way again. And he’s probably right. He made me feel so beautiful and he didn’t mind that I talk much. He’s there for me waiting after school after a hard day at work and he always made sure that he’s got a present for me even without an occasion. He sang the sweetest songs, gave the longest and sweetest kisses and held my hand the longest. He loved me fat, flaws and all.That's probably as good as it gets...
I don’t know if what I’m feeling then must have reflected to the odd choices that I’m making now. But then I’m still left with odd choices anyway. To wait and just look for the one who could really love me again or just to live and take it easy so I could have lots of other choices along the way. The difference is just a very thin line. I’m not complaining though. I had it good either way, sometimes, I just get tired of just waiting.
Looking out to where he is standing waiting for the girl he is about to marry, I am glad that I’m able to see him differently now. I realized that I’m still and will always just be on the outside looking in…and all those years I was just chasing a daydream. I think that it’s probably good I'm now able to see things as they were. It seems that everything is different now though I’m still a girl who dreams of being with a man and a girl who’s still making her own stories…
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30
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From Krypton And Other Galaxies.....
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Aug 20, 2011 12:20 pm
3060 Views
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They say that in love there are no rules. Based on a psychological study, most emotions takes about four months for you to be able to say that what you’re feeling is real or true and it is /or could be something else after that. For example, grief, would be a depression in four months if you still have it, or for a crush they say you’re in love when you had it for four months and/or otherwise it's an obsession.
I’m not sure if it’s a rule, and I find it hard following all those anyway,I have this crush now. I guess it started with a just a blog post and then a peek into his profile but then I’m not sure about the next posts and the person in person anyway. I’m thinking that it might really be something else after four months. So it’s really hard to tell right now anyway, I guess.
Well, I found myself totally crushing on this guy. Hahahaha!I just don’t remember when exactly but I find myself looking forward to his posts. Weird, that I find myself imagining all sorts of things IF and when and if ever we’re going to meet. And I find myself, for the first time, looking forward to cyber dating and dreading it both at the same time. Silly as I am, most of the time it MIGHT just be a hoax anyway, the feeling and the crush of course. lol!!
But well, I could only hope he likes it here and I hope he won’t be snatched so soon. Competition is so stiff I guess. And it’s just so hard to be in the market for a long time. Most of the time people would say that you’re there the longest time coz the quality is cheap and might just have to be put on sale or bargain, I guess it goes with people as well and so there goes my merchandise.hahahaha!!
For now, I just wonder what he’d write about again and just be contented with that. Not so much of pictures of wonderland and oases I hope as I’ve already thrived in the dessert. But oh well, I stopped counting the days anyway and I’m not really sure if it could reach four months but here I am again once again just hoping… Sigh!!
I’m thinking that it might just well be a crush until four months has passed. But since I might just be howling at the moon for him to rule my world maybe I’ll just be contented to looking at the stars for now and wait for him to call.
Till then, Cyber dating, anybody? LOL!! Just kidding!
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59
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Give and take....
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Aug 12, 2011 1:55 am
1508 Views
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Whatever you give to a Woman, she will make it greater. Give her sperm, she will give you a baby. Give her a house, she will give you a home. Give her groceries, she will give you a meal. Give her Love, and she will give you her heart! She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So, if you give her crap, be prepared to receive a ton of SHIT! ...
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55
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No One's Watching....
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Aug 3, 2011 6:44 am
1037 Views
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To a wonderful so called "friend" who keeps me sane and makes me feel complete...
I have to let you go now,
I’ve always known this would come
I never meant to hold you in anyway
And I know, you never meant to stay.
Remember that you were once a part of me
And remember that I once held you with gusto and esteem.
But you’ve been through every part of me now.
There’s nothing I can hide as you’ve already been inside of me.
Thoughts of you both sate my hunger
And quenched my thirst
You were there to give me nourishment
You were there to keep me sane
But that’s all gone now
You’ve fulfilled your purpose
I know it now.
I feel it too.
Just remember how we were there for each other,
And that I have loved you at one point.
Or maybe you won’t remember
I would probably want that just the same
Coz then again your nature is calling you
Dragging you back to who you really are
I can’t and won’t stop you coz that is not what I am
You can’t wait to get away from me
No matter how much I want to hold you and keep you in
But then again nature has its call
And it’s calling me to mine again too
And so….
I bid you farewell….
For now….
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23
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You're never too old for this.....
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Jul 30, 2011 9:45 pm
1224 Views
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Give in once in a while. And flirt a bit when you can too.It will make you feel good sometimes if you're not crossing any lines of course.
It’s okay….
Especially when you're single,Don't wait till you're lonely coz as they say....
Lonely men
seek companionship.
Lonely women
sit at home and wait.
They never meet.......
But then again, (as a redemption to some):
Lonely men seek the net for companionship. Lonely women sit at home in front of computer waiting...........
.
and thus, with the power of internet...they meet....
It’s going to be your choice either way.
But just cooperate - if and when you can.
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27
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Parents on the Internet
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Jul 10, 2011 5:02 pm
946 Views
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I set my mom in Facebook sometime ago so she can connect with friends and look at pictures. She hated it at the start but I think she was able to get past that. I sit with her sometimes to teach her how to add friends, tag pictures, comment sometimes and she learned. I think for her age she got pretty good at it. She can’t wait to get home from the office to chat with old friends sometimes and she’s constantly trying to remember old friends so she could find them. I think it was actually one of the reasons that she’s able to get back to her feet from grief. Of course she’s constantly surrounded by friends and family but no one ever thought and not in our wildest dream would we ever think that she’ll have an online boyfriend at her age just through facebook. Hahaha!
I was angry and got scared when I first knew it. I don’t want her entertaining such ideas yet. She’s supposed to be still grieving.’ the hell!! I’m thinking that she’s too gullible and vulnerable for all the horrors and scams on the internet. I don’t know what I’ll say to her and to the people in her network if such a scam would happen. Should I say, Just be careful then, That’s it???I don’t know how I’ll protect her from cybermen, scams and everything that might that happen. My dad is supposed to do that but damn it! He’s gone too. What Am I to do then? I was just so angry and pissed that I don’t know what to do about it.
First thing I did was ground her from the computer. Shit! I didn’t know children could do that to their parents but I did. Well, she pushed me to it anyway. First she tagged all of our pictures in the guys profile page. I woke up one morning having 31 notifications of my pictures being tagged to someone I don’t even know. Has she gone NUTS?? WTF!!!Naturally I raised hell about it. This guy only has about 3 pictures. And our pictures were all over his page. My sister called me that morning about the same thing. Mom said that it was just him anyway. WHAT?? I really think she’s gone crazy. And aside from the pictures, there were comments as well telling the guy about the people in the pictures. Aaaaaaaargh! MMMOOOOOOOMMM!!!!
I took all the pictures down, removed all the comments and was furious the whole day. What was she thinking??? SHIIIIIIT!!!! Maybe she was a bit embarrassed at what she did and stayed away from the computer for some time. You just can’t trust parents around technology nowadays. huh?! Well that was how she got grounded from the computer.
But then she went back to her routine, a more powerful l force that I can ever reckon with. She went back to crying every morning, wailing through the night. I thought that it was normal since we’re grieving and at some point she’ll move on. She cries in the car, she cries in the kitchen, I can’t help but cry sometimes too. It’s just so hard to see her like that. She cries during dinner and so I just can’t help but ask her if it’s my cooking? That bad, huh?? Damn! Well she said that she remembered how it used to be just the two of them during dinner a while back and I cooked his favorite dish that’s why. Whew! I thought it was my cooking.=) She cries about sentimental things like a tree that was blown off when there was a storm. It sent her inconsolable for hours. She said that she and my pops planted that tree. I don’t know if I should just plant it back or cut it into pieces. It was too big for me to plant it and just thinking about chopping the tree out makes me want to just faint. We’d talk for hours and cry together. She’s just crying all the time every time I just can’t stand it. She always tells me that there hasn’t been a day that she’s never cried about it. Sigh!! She’s losing weight and she forgets things just as fast. I just don’t know how to cope. And so I ask friends to come over, take her to parks and had her internet connection reconnected. I posted pictures of her on her wall and went easy on her about everything. After all, we’re probably just both grieving that’s why it’s hard any other way we put it.
She said that it wasn’t any of our faults that my dad had to die. She didn’t want him leaving her so soon either. She wanted more time with him but life had other plans for both of them. After all they have loved each other for as long as they can. Even now it was only death that came that they parted. I didn’t want to argue with that anymore. Maybe it’s just too soon for me too but then again, I don’t want to be selfish.
And so when she went back on the computer, she just chats with him no more tagging and comments. I’m still a bit scared so I sometimes stay and snoop around. She wanted him to send more pictures and to basically just get to know the guy. He calls her most of the time even at the wee hours of the morning. (For god’s sake!).His daughter calls her too. They talk on the phone and on webcam. He sent her real time pictures when he was in Dublin, the States and the U.K. He is 13 years her junior and he knows her age. I don’t know if they could make it work. Most of the time, things on the internet don’t pan out anyway. So we’ll just hope for the best I guess. I don’t know if I’d worry about it that much. I’m just thinking that so long as it’s not hurting anybody, she’s not giving money, personal information or getting naked on the camera (at her age,EWWW!) I think that that’s alright!! Lest, I want to be called bitter that she have a lovelife and I don’t. hahaha! I think I’ll probably just let her be. At least she doesn’t cry as much and she’s distracted in a way so that’s alright. I can only imagine how hard it is for her to move on anyway. I’ll just brace myself for things that might happen. It gets to be the distraction I need too to let her live some more so I think I’ll just cave in a little for now.
And then, I come to realize what she said about chasing guys. She told me to stop and be still. If you’re going to chase a butterfly it will always just fly away. She tells me so coz she thinks that I seem to be too impatient for it. Well at my age, who wouldn’t be? hahaha! But you see, for this guy, she never have to do anything. She never have to blog, ask, beg or whine about it. hahaha! Nothing!
But he still wrote her a letter and said he wants to get to know her better. That’s it!
Isn’t that why some of us are here? To probably meet people or just to find someone to fit the million reasons why we are here in the first place? I don’t know, I’m having a hard time believing it could be real but you’ll never know, right?
I would still probably have to see it to believe it. For now, He takes away my pain of seeing my mom cry and go through grief and that’s one thing. If that’s the only thing that he could give her I’d still be grateful. She already had 35 years of marriage to boost anyway. She actually don’t need this one but then it was there. We’ll meet him on his birthday. hahaha! Luck? I don’t know. Is it beauty, charm and character? She always had that anyway and that has nothing to do with this one right here. Lol!! But it’s happening. We’ll just wait and see.
Oh well.
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