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Wild and Free...
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Jan 24, 2012 12:19 am
252 Views
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“If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary”
- Mark Twain
I was almost there. I almost made it. oh yes, I really really thought that I can make it. I was easing into it actually. I'm getting comfortable with the thought of NOT doing it with each passing day. Funny, how i thought I had it in the bag. I was really thinking that I'll win this battle this time. I always thought of myself as a soldier and a survivor to these things after all. Most of the time, I barely recognize myself when I am in it and even after. I really thought that it'll be just as easy as the last time. I've been through this many times before anyway and so, I said I'd never fall for it again. I don't want to be taken for a fool and risk being hurt again. hmm, well,maybe I really am just a crazy fool sometimes and maybe just as stupid coz I find myself falling for it just as easy.Sigh!
I know, know. I said I won’t do it again but well... what can I say, I’m a sucker when it comes to these things. Maybe I just like being crazy sometimes.I actually like the feeling it gives me especially when things are getting chaotic, dirty and mushy and all that. Yeah, that kind of crazy.
Maybe I like the feeling of sometimes being the only person that can give light to it. It’s the only thing that I take back from all of it anyway. You know, the part when you don’t even know the outcome of it yourself but then again when you wrack your brains long and hard enough you'll just realize that the answer was there right in front of you. I like that feeling sometimes, I just find it funny too. Maybe it's all the distraction that I need too just to survive the tediousness, negativity and disenchantment that i have in my life as well. Yeah, it’s really hard letting go of it all. I’m craving for that natural high that people have when in love and about neck deep into the feeling. I’m thinking that that’s the feeling of being in a romance, the unshakable feeling when you're flirting with disaster and even the potential possibility that maybe this time, I’ll nail the problem right in the head and get rid of the longing forever . Oh well, I was thinking that by now, I'm already immune to it. After all it's one of the things that drives me to move along anyway and live my life at the same time. The anticipation of all of it, the excitement, the freedom it gives me, the possibility of failure especially when its not an option just drives me nuts so I’m scouring things in my life just to do and just to find it too. That's how it is I guess when in love. You just pour your heart out into it and forge on ahead sometimes, more than always I don’t even think about the consequences of all of it. I don't think it matters as to how many times I do it anyway, as long as I’m in it and just keep on doing it, the feeling would just be the same. The jitters, the excitement, the craziness and all those things..
They say it happens when you least expect it and sometimes it’s the only thing that could save you. Well, most of the time I do it to fill that emptiness and the void that comes up especially during the Holidays. It creeps up stronger than ever during those times. So just when I thought that I’ve tried my hardest and that things may never change it just amazes me sometimes to know that I can still get close to that feeling and I’m still able to make it happen each time.
I call it fillers sometimes, It’s the feeling you have after falling so hard with the one you thought could be the love of your life that came along. It fills you with things to do while waiting. I was actually thinking that I couldn’t do it, but then these fillers make me realize that the one thing I tried so hard to avoid could just about be the only thing I need to save myself from all of it.
I tried not to care so much about it anymore. I even tried to push it away. But then again when it presented itself up to me, I realized that I need it more than ever and just grab on to it, hold on to it like it’s the only thing that I could ever have to do in this lifetime.
I probably am getting too old for this. I was actually thinking of all the times that I’ve been hurt and all the things that I have to be and have to do just to make it when I'm in it. I am hating myself for going through all the motions again but loving myself too for going through all of it again if ever I come out of it unscathed and alive as a matter of speaking. I found my love and my all my friends in it too. Just an affair maybe, but at least I had all the validation that I need once I a while in this lifetime.
I decided to take the plunge (Again!). I figured my friends would be there to pick up the pieces with me when I fall and I am thinking that I’ve a strong network of family and friends to back me up if I do fall. What do I have to lose anyway, right?
And it surely would be a waste not to do it. Just when I thought that it’s one of the things that gives me another heartache, I found my remedy in it as well.
2012- Youth Pageant..
NObody thought that I could do it in under a week. I say we could, and I say it's possible. and we did!
Never mind that I'm like a bear walking at work and at home for lack of sleep. It comes with the feeling I guess.lol! It's a good thing my friends are there to catch me. Luckily I didn't fall.I Was just so ecstatic with the outcome and I'm thinking that I can get used to the feeling as well. Wohoo!
As Franklin Roosevelt once said- We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.
it's a good thing that I could lend a helping hand there once in a while. WIthout a love of my own and someone to be with, at least there are people and things that i could do for now to keep me company while waiting.
Loving more people and filling my life’s vessel with the little things I could do for other people while I can and WHILE I still can.
SO for those who love me and those who don’t … A cry for every parting, a salute to those who stayed. Maybe time won’t ever let us be together but I’m glad for the times we shared.
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11
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Resolutions
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Dec 31, 2011 5:09 am
573 Views
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I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. ~Anaïs Nin
The year will end at midnight tonight and people the world over would cheer and greet and wish each other a Happy New Year. We can only wish the best for each other and only hope that for this year may be different and we can make things right for our lives that we’ve done wrong in the passage of the new one.
We continue to spread happiness and good cheer each day for the coming year. It should be a happy new year, a better year with happy thoughts and happy intentions. Happiness should be our only goal and is the only thing that worth looking forward to even with all the sad and bad memories and not so great things that has happened in our lives.
Shit happens all the time, it will still probably happen in the future. Today might still be just another day in the calendar for some of us. But the good thing about the new year is that it reminds us that there’ll be another day and another time to make up for it. It’s a mark, a break and a difference to look forward to better things ahead and forget about things that has settled in our lives in the past or maybe only to make it better.
I want to wish everyone a malice free and a happy new year and leave it at that as well.=) Forget about the sorrows and pains we had to go through and live with in 2011. It will all then be buried at the silent limbo of the past. et’s just always remember the good things that made us better to carry on with the next. For some like me, It might have given me regrets, sorrows and heartaches but at least we’ve learned, was humbled, became grateful and can look forward to wonderful things ahead.
For friends near and far and to people everywhere, I hope and pray that we’ll look forward to a better year ahead with good people and friends, good things and good intentions that will guide us through another year.
We can only look forward to the new year by turning a new leaf with all the new challenges and opportunities that may come our way. It may not be a new beginning or an end to anything, but at least it’s a mark of a whole new year for something that we could all start afresh with. We could all now look forward for more wonderful memories, new friends to be with and old friends that we could always hang out and cherish snd surely more good stories to tell.
Let’s give a toast to the new year with all the experiences and wisdom that the past year has brought and taught us, hoping that maybe this time we could get things right. It’s going to be another year, another birthday or anniversary, another love story or finding our destiny; another heartache, or maybe a lot of other experiences or memories, these are things that we can always look forward to and everything that makes our lives worth living. It only gets exciting each time.
Let’s give a salute, to old friends that stayed and new friends that made their way to our lives … it’s so nice to have known them, surely they make our lives better with just their presence and made a difference of it somehow one way or another for all the time they stayed to fulfill their purpose so we could come to fulfill ours as well..and so, here’s just wishing that every friendship will still grow and flourish for years to come…
Cheers! for another year of living life and looking forward to the best things that this life has to offer and may give us for days to come.
Thankful for 2011. No regrets, just lessons learned. 
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21
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Something... LONG AND HARD =)
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Dec 22, 2011 8:00 am
670 Views
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Well, well, Christmas is finally here.and I just can’t help but smile at how things turn out the way they do sometime. Sometimes I’m still at awe at how things turn out differently just when I hought that things are going to be bleak again at this time of the year for me like it always does for the last hmmm I can’t remember..lol! I’m always assured of gifts from friends anyway but now I’m thinking that maybe with all that I’m still wanting one gift that I could have for myself for a long time.I don’t know if it’s ever gonna happen anyway but like most Christmas it was all the wish that I’m just wishing.
And like all Christmas that went past me, I just go through the motions of all of it and just carried away still waiting for it to weave it’s magic.
I’m already used to it, I can probably do all the shopping, wrapping and gift giving, parlor games for the kids here and making people happy at this time of the year even with my eyes closed as I’ve done through the past. I’m already done and at the last leg of my gift giving for everyone saved the last ones for close family and friends of course that’s reserved for christmas, I’ve attended four different parties with four different set of friends and is just finishing up with all the games that nephews and nieces will have for our Christmas reunion.
Maybe out of the tediousness of it all, I decided to do something different. I was feeling a bit sad those times so I just decided to come up with my own Kris kringle. Back then it’s exchanging gifts with special people but anyway , it’s still just me so I decided to have my own list for Christmas this time.Out of the nine wishes that I have this year, I’d like to share one thing that I liked the best.
The last 2 things on the list is something long and hard. I never thought that I have to think long and hard about finding something long and hard as well.LOL! they're two things but i found it with just one. They're not even things but a person. A friend.
I had to put it for the last few things on my list as I was thinking that it’s going to be hard to find something like this.
But as I went to work one day in the early part of this month, he was just sitting there waiting for someone at a desk, so quiet and was actually just doodling. I also have a knack of just talking to people sometime and I talked to him.I finished everything that we have to do that day and so I sat beside him. And well, well well,what do you know, I strike up a conversation about what was happening to me then, he was listening and just kept on smiling. Probably thinking what the hell made him sit there in the first place, this girl could be nuts! and boy! This girl has too many issues and much too talkative for my comfort, I think.LOL! he sill tells me that during lunches anyway for the last three weeks.I asked him how he was, who's he waiting for and all that stuff.Things about him as well and his bestfriend. I told him about mine and thing that I write about,what’s been happening to me lately and most of my stuff and baggage. And by the time I’m done he only asked me one thing. What site is this? I told him it’s here. He almost laugh he knows this site. LOL!!
And here I thought I’d be anonymous and I’m thinking that friends will come till later but I already met one for real. Maybe it was all that I needed and so there he was. Listening to me and all my woes and some laughter and some more stories of my life. He’s probably all baffled as well as to how he’s going to take all of it.
Like all of my friends he told me that shit happens but it’s going to be your choice to stay it that shit or hell hole or do something about it. Wallowing in it won’t do you any good. You’ll have to just ride the tide and roll with the punches, either way it’s going to be your choice. I decided to just leave it be and be happy with everything . AFter all, there are friends that makes me happy all year round as well and not just a this time of the season.I never imagine that someone so young could be giving me sound pieces of advice and I don’t even have to imagine what he looks like as he was standing there in front of me telling me everything as well.Pretty smart for someone so young and he truly is what his profile is saying. It’s funny how he’s the one giving me advice at his age and even funnier that what I thought was something so heartbreaking could all be washed away with a simple gesture such as what he did as a friend.
And I don’t have to think long and hard about him becoming my friend. He tried to be one for me as I did to him already and that’s a gift I could never resist giving and recieving all year round I think. At least it was something real. I’m still waiting for people I'm already considering my friends here and to those that I'll meet. Can hardly wait for someone actually just so excited about it already.I think that they're the the best gifts that I have for this year and for the years to come i hope and that's good enough for me.So for friendships here and in the real world....Cheers!
Merry Christmas!!
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16
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You Can Stay Forever
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Dec 17, 2011 11:37 pm
555 Views
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I felt it alright. I don’t know if I’m gonna be flattered or upset. I’m flattered that you went through all that last night. Well, minus the part of you passing out and everything it was all really nice. I don’t know what I did to deserve such treatment. I didn’t know you had a plan anyway. And I’m losing all my will power now to resist that bulge that’s poking at me like crazy, I’d had to be dead not to feel that. I just can’t help but feel used, now, that we’re having a moment. It would have been nice if you just told me.
I just don’t want to believe it. It must be the drinks last night that makes you feel horny just this time. Everything will probably be better if I just pretended to be sleeping. You already had some sleep. I didn’t. And damn it, you were hugging me so close that I can’t even think of sleeping. It was just so comforting and nerve wracking at the same time. I don’t know what to think about anymore. I don’t even know why you’re doing this to me.
This is just plain crazy. More like the things that I would do, not you. Well, I know, I know you’re only just a man. Hah! Well, we could probably just blame it on the booze and the wonderful evening that we had last night. Our friendship was one of the things that I hold sacred, one of the most important relationships that I have and I don’t want either one of us to get hurt. Shit! Your mouth was just so close to my nape and I just feel like screaming. I can’t pretend to be sleeping anymore.
It actually drives me crazy that your breathing down my nape. I even put my hands over your hand moved and so I could scoot over. That actually worked better for me. I can’t do anything with the bulge anyway as I’m sure that my ass is probably just as damning near your thingy. It has that effect on men you know. And it’s just too bad we had company. Whew!
I find it weird that you’re smelling my hair. That’s actually my thing. Why do you have to start just then anyway? You even started saying things that I never hear you say and your deep voice makes it so sweet it almost seemed like a plea. I wonder why you asked me once again not to be friends with the guy from work. You even said that you just didn’t want to see me hurt, you said it even more gently this time I didn’t want to contradict you anymore. What’s up with that? And I’m not sure now If I’d even agree to it. Well, I’m starting to like him, heck! I even had a crush with him once with all the attention that he was giving me. I never thought that I can be good friends with him actually. I like his friends, I like his style, I like the moves and how he carries himself, I love his back piece tattoo and the one in his thighs for trece loco that he had back in the states when I saw it. I was even thinking of having one myself to match his back, it’s just that I can’t stand the pain of needles. I love how he gives me foot and back massages while were waiting for you.(Sweet, right?)He’s a bit irritated that we always have to wait for you but then that’s the only way that he could be with me so he puts up with it anyway and so he waits for you with me as well. I don’t even know why you want us to wait anyway but since you said that I had to wait up, I always do. At least with him, I don’t have to do wait alone anymore since he’s there to keep me company and doesn’t mind waiting for me.I had to tag him along then as we were going on the same direction anyway. It’s actually sweet and that’s my just how my friendship with him is. Why can’t you just be okay with it? I even wonder why you don’t want him in our circle since I let your friends in it just because they’re your friends but you, you don’t want to give me the same courtesy. Why are you so against him anyway? Maybe like you, he wants to just be around me and to keep me company and I need that too you know. You call him a thug and a gangster, I call him a soldier like me. He may not stay anyway, just passing by in my life as well. So I’m just relishing all of it. It seems that with both of you around I have the benefit of having good friends and somewhat like boyfriends without the pain of going through the hassles of a relationship. Who needs them when I have both of you, right? Well those are just my thoughts about that anyway. Sigh!
But you don’t want him as my friend. You said that you don’t like it that he flirts around with other girls when I’m not around. Who cares?!He needs that too. You said so yourself, He needs to feel all nice with all the flirting to make up for the face that he has. You even said that he somehow needs to feed his ego to make up for that face!! And so??? It’s okay, I don’t mind it that much that he looks that way anyway. I don’t know if he’ll even say that he likes me, maybe I’m just not his type. He’s just being nice, just being a friend. Why can’t you just give him that? With all his baggage and stuff and not to mention his insecurities about his looks, I don’t think it would have worked out anyway if he did, so just leave it. I’m okay. It’s sad that he has to double his effort so he’d feel all macho and good looking and to make up for most of the things that he misses out on. It’s just looks anyway. Well, I don’t know why he wants to be with me. I feel more beautiful just being around him anyway with all the attention, niceties and courtesy that he’s giving me. I like that. At least, with him, people are not taking a second look at me and say that he’s even more gorgeous than me, like people do when I’m with you.LOL! He just wants to be with me for I don’t know what reason. Did you think it was just another crush this time coz I allow him to be with me? What’s wrong with him anyway? It’s almost the same thing that you said about me wanting to be a fratman’s lady previously. It’s just ridiculous sometimes. I agreed, that on becoming a mistress is a bit far off and so I went with it, but with this guy? What’s up with that? Can’t I be friends with anyone but you?
Hmmm, I guess you feel asleep again, I felt that your arms felt heavy in my stomach and my pillow. And I hear you snore behind my back. And so I just moved closer to you then. Put your hand up closer to me and my pillow then slept until you woke up an hour later and got me awake too as you put your legs across my thighs. I’m not surprised anymore. I turned around to face you then and seen that you were staring. This is all too cozy for me as it is. I turned and faced you and felt you still staring even with my eyes closed. Then you kissed me on the cheeks then said good morning. I opened my eyes then smiled coz I remembered all the things that happened last night. I felt like slapping you silly after what you put me through. I wanted to mock you but decided against it. I just looked at you with the silly grin on my face. I even noticed how handsome you were even in the morning. So handsome with that hazel green eyes that I thought that it’s the most beguiling eyes that I’ve ever seen. But you could be so stoopid as to get drunk like that, you know.lol! Ah! I know, maybe it’s because it’s your mantra, right? Get drunk, get stupid, get laid. Hmmm, at least you’re sticking up in what you believe in. Lol! Yeah, you were drunk and you were stupid alright.LOL!for me, it’s Get stupid, Get laid and then Get drunk.LOL! Geez, I wonder how we’re even bestfriends. We’re exactly the opposite of each other. I didn’t realize what it is that made us able to stand each other all this time. I wonder what it is that made you stay that long and be able to stand being around me.
And then I realized that you have that look that day, That look when you’re speaking fondly of your ex wife. The same woman who screwed you over with your friends twice, and got you back here forever just before your dad died that you couldn’t go back to see him just one last time, but when you talk about the good things about her, you couldn’t help but smile when you think about those memories. That look! I remember that look so well coz those are the only time that I see you without looking so hurt or angry and without all angst as well when you try to open up with some of the things in your life. I was thinking then that somehow some of the pain even if it’s just a little is beginning to dissipate over the years. I want that for you.I wanted you to be happy again like in all the memories that you tell me about her. It was that look that I imagine you have when you’re truly happy.
You’ve just been through so much pain already. I remember you wanting to jump off a bridge because of all of it. I said I’ll let you if you’d let me jump off with you there’s no one who’ll miss but my dogs anyway. You laughed then and said that I was crazy. I told you that friends never let friends do stupid things alone anyway and you just laughed even harder. You already said that when I was wanting to be a mistress. But from then on at least, we kept each other company. You kept me from wanting to be a mistress and I kept you from jumping off the bridge with all the crazy things that we both made each other do huh? And we just became inseparable. You’re twice as screwed over as I am so I stayed lest you commit suicide and then it’s on me. Misery loves company, I guess. Our friendship is just teeming with it. LOL! But what is it that your wife found wrong with you anyway? I find it odd that there could be something wrong with you because for me, with your odd ways and weird character, you seem to be just perfect. And I never really knew how and why you stayed with me through all these years anyway.
Hmmm, I love hearing your voice as you were asking me what happened last night. That deep voice so damningly sexy this fine morning coupled with that devilishly handsome face makes me want to kiss you. Well now, that’s a first. I never thought that I’d be able to see you looking at me that way. I already feel so lucky just to be lying here beside you. I wonder why I never realized that before. I have been too focused being with you in your struggles and setting you up with other girls. I always knew that you have such a pretty face, I wonder why it never strike me as handsome as it did then. All the time I just wanted you to be happy like I would like myself to be. But then for the first time, I realized that you are now trying to make someone else happy as well- Me. Wow! I never thought that that was ever possible for you. You’re okay now. I’ve always tried to make you do that but it seems like you’ll never get over the pain. I’ve always wanted to see this side of you- Happy I think, and it’s even better because you’re happy by making someone else happy as well now. That’s really something and I’m just glad.
And as you put your head nearer my face for a kiss, I felt just the slightest tingle as I close my eyes. This was all too good, all too sweet and lovely. Maybe I could give in just a little as I’m liking this kiss. You’re okay now, I guess. You’re almost happy on your own. Even braver as well, coz you’re stepping out of your shell. And then the scariest thought crept in as well. You might not be needing me anymore as well. You said that no woman can ever make you happy again.That’s probably why in all those years as a friend though I’ve given everything to make you happy you just can’t be. I’ve long ago given up the thought but stood by you so I’ll see it somehow.And it scares the hell out of me coz then you’ll see that there all there is to it. I’ve already given you all I’ve got and then there’s nothing more. I’ll be losing you then.
I loved you too much as a friend for me to lose you. I was scared at the thought. You’re just one of the few people that I could ever trust. My god, this is crazy. You’re driving me crazy. I wanted to say stop and please don’t at the same time right now as you went for a lip lock. I tried to get away from it but I don’t think I could. But then, any one of the three musketeers on the floor might wake up. I just can’t risk that for both of us. And so I just pulled away slowly. Put my hands at the expanse of your chest then turned back. You must have seen that I’m close to crying when I turned my back and then I just said that we have company. You moved in closer and hugged me again. I felt your frustration too Though I’m not sure it’s the same frustration that I’m feeling. Everything went still with us just lying there.
If I say the word I love you now, you might not just believe it. I realized that just then. If it was just then the two of us for sure we wouldn’t just be spooning. If I ask you if you loved me too, it would come out as forced by circumstances. So I just decided to shut up and relished the moment. It was what you said that I should do more often.
I didn’t want to just then.Not when I’m thinking you don’t need me anymore. You’re finally okay to love again. You wanted to make other people happy again. You’re able to finally accept things. That was all that I was there for and that was my cue to leave. I’ve always just been a happy spectator and a supporter in every way possible. I was rooting for you to make it all along. And now you did it. I never expected that. I never thought that I’d ever have to leave or else you would at some point.
You said that the hardest love to find are those that grew overtime. I didn’t realize that I ‘ll ever come to this point of loving you. Taking care of you came out naturally for me over the years and I realized that it’s not as scary as I thought. I don’t even want to regret all that. I knew it was worth it. I’m thinking this is all wrong but this feels just right, right then.I could never let you leave and now that just scares me. The one person I never thought who would just went out and left. I don’t know if I could ever put myself through that again. I have to know if you could but then you’re not saying anything.I might just be getting ahead of myself again this time and thought I just have to stop.
And so I just close my eyes and told you to leave as I needed my sleep. I came out of bed and took a shower. I said I needed to come home to my parents anyway. I let you sleep a bit more. You probably figured that there was something wrong but you’re never asked what it was. That’s how we were anyway we just let things be. We always knew that we’d be there for each other I guess so we’re complacent when it comes to all those stuff about relationships. We said we both don’t want it to be complicated. You said that we always have to let things be. I took your advice. We never talked about it.
And as we drift slowly away because of the things that we could never ask each other, I just tried to accept things as they were and live with the thought of ‘What if’s” instead of “Oh well’s” I don’t regret it much anyway since I’ve already given you everything that I could ever possibly give and so I just thought that maybe you wanted something more. You never did asked me of anything I just gave it to you freely. But I’m sorry that I can’t be friends with you anymore, I’ll just be the one messed up and probably be more screwed over than you if I try to be. And so I’ll just stop and live with this.
Maybe someday I’ll figure out why we never spoke to each other again, after that and even when you did try to talk about it with me, I‘ve already lost interest and has gone to doing other things. I can’t chase dreams anymore. I have already fulfilled my purpose of somehow making you happy again and maybe that’s all there is to it. We may both have been waiting all these years to feel this. Maybe we both just don’t fit the mold. Maybe the time isn’t just right, or maybe the people in it is not just right, maybe we both simply got both burned before to risk loving again. But then, these all boils down with both of us being scared.
So tragic!
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11
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Same Time Next Year(?)
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Nov 20, 2011 8:50 am
702 Views
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I remember letting my mom and my sister watch one of my favorite movie some time ago- “Same Time Next Year” starring Alan Alda and Elleyn Burnstyn. It’s about two married people with someone else meeting the same time each year for a romantic tryst that went on for 26 years. I’ve always loved the song and when I watched the movie, I loved the movie and the song even more.
I just found the movie so sweet and funny and profound in a way as I cannot even begin to imagine if I could ever have that kind of connection with someone. Being afraid of intimacy and getting close to a person mostly stuff like that. Probably with all the many failed relationships that I have over the years, I found that I can be a master saboteur of relationships even before it can grow and I’d get so close to a person to let love flourish that way. You know, the kind of connection that lovers have in a relationship and be able to keep that loving feeling over the years without panicking in between if there’s actually something wrong with the person that I’m with just because he’s with me. That feeling.lol!! Most of the time it’s the feeling that I may be unworthy of the affection that I am given. I’m thinking that maybe that that kind of intimacy is seldom achieved even by people with long time marriages anyway but there are people who actually have that and they actually have that feeling already just from the start. I want to get to that feeling I just find it hard to get there somehow.
I think that that movie perfectly depicts what openness and honesty and trust in relationships should be. I loved the openness and trust that they have for one for another about their sex life and their marriages, and also about things in general. They would always have something to share with each other. The sex is great or else they wouldn’t be coming each year just for that and even when they got old they just enjoy the companionship. Now, not a lot of people could actually be honest and love each other the way they did and it’s almost a pity that it was just a tryst that they found that openness and honesty with. I’m just wondering how do we actually get to that part that we could all be open and honest about what we actually feel about each other with the one that we’re with?
I was thinking it must have been kismet that brought them together, a chance meeting at an inn and a case of the right love at the wrong time, opening up about everything and their innermost feelings as well even just in the initial meeting, and total honesty from start to finish in a relationship and sort of a break from the lull of relationships. The sort of thing that tells you – This is it, this has got to be it! And in that moment nothing else matters. If only we could that have from the start anyway, then I guess whining about marriage, divorce rate would go down and separation will lessen a great deal. Ah, maybe I’m just a dreamer and I can only dream about that anyway. That’s actually the intimacy that I want when and If ever I find someone that I could be with. I wonder if that’s even possible as a lot of people actually are afraid of intimacy and most of us has become cynical about love as well.
I’m hoping that we find this love and intimacy even before we get married so there wouldn’t be cases of infidelity everywhere. I don’t know if the movie could happen in real life, I’m sure there are a lot of trysts going on around. I’m never been married anyway but I guess that if we actually have that connection to begin then people wouldn’t be looking for trysts anywhere anymore right?lol! But I’m actually just thinking about the connection, the honesty and openness that we could have with a partner if ever. It might be good that the trysts that we might have is one and the same person that we got married to so we won’t have to look for another person as well, right?? All of us being some sort of a lover, a friend and a wife or a husband all in one. Amazing I think.
But how do we get to do that or be that, anyway? with all the things that we’re faced each day how do we even start to be that all in one person for our partners. Hmmm It might be actually very ideal if we’re all those things that our partners need but as the song says, how do we keep the music playing anyway? How do we make it last? I’m not sure if there’s a recipe for all that and keep the love going in the years to come as we can’t tell how the future would go anyway. Aaah! Too many questions..Now, am not sure. Which one should I ask myself first.LOL! For me, right now, it’s just tough realizing that you can’t waste time anymore when there’s no more time to be wasted you should have to keep the love going even when the going gets rough.
I was actually thinking that maybe for some reason, say maybe out of desperation, boredom or hearing the ticking of my biological clock or sheer desperation I marry or maybe just shack with the next guy that comes along. And then at the back of my mind it’ll say that what IF someone just comes along and is just perfect? Can I just tell him to meet me somewhere same time next year?? I’d probably hate myself so much then. But then again when it’s all that good would I still be able to complain. I’m sure that I’m gonna be in a bigger mess but then it’s not just my own life that I’d be messing with then but also somebody else’s. I don’t know if I could ever live with that.
Anyway, I think that it’d be amazing to keep that honesty openness, spontaneity, respect and love in marriages. Though maybe that’s why the movie’s plot was perfect since they were just having an affair .They don’t have to deal with mundane thing that could drive partners crazy sometime living day in and day out and didn’t have to deal with the real issues of marriage but at least they talk about it and tries to do something about it whenever they’re faced wih different and difficult situation in their lives and with one another. But then, they only have that one whole day each year for two dozen years. And they probably even did it with no communication say only for the telephone which they hardly ever use in the movie, Oh well…
It’s so hard to see the commitment in people and work around all the things that they have to be working with in order to even start a relationship, keep a relationship going. If only we could have that in most of our relationships anyway and there’s the thing to be always just hoping. Waited this long anyway maybe I could wait some more (Again). Argh!! I am only hoping that I’d find that kind of connection when I’m actually married to so at least then I wouldn’t go looking for trysts elsewhere just to have that kind of connection.
Maybe we have to start it with something like ...
THE LAST TIME I FELT LIKE THIS
Hello, I don't even know your name, but I'm hopin' all the same
This is more than just a simple hello.
Hello, do I smile and look away? No, I think I'll smile and stay
To see where this might go.
'Cause the last time I felt like this I was falling in love,
Falling and feeling, I'd never fall in love again.
Yes, the last time I felt like this, was long before I knew
What I'm feeling now with you.
Hello, I can't wait till we're alone,
somewhere quiet on our own
So that we can fall the rest of the way.
I know that before the night is thru, I'll be talking love to you,
Meaning every word I say.
'Cause the last time I felt like this I was falling in love,
Falling and feeling, I'd never fall in love again.
Yes, the last time I felt like this, was long before I knew
What I'm feeling now with you.
Oh, the last time I felt like this I was falling in love,
Falling and feeling, I'd never fall in love again.
Yes, the last time I felt like this, was long before I knew
What I'm feeling now with you.
-----------------------------
Hello It all started with hello
on an evening long ago
when an unexpected smile caught my eye
hello if i smile and looked away
we would not be here today
to never say goodbye
'Cause the last time I felt like this I was falling in love,
Falling and feeling, I'd never fall in love again.
Yes, the last time I felt like this, was long before I knew
What I'm feeling now with you.
Oh, the last time I felt like this I was falling in love,
Falling and feeling, I'd never fall in love again.
Yes, the last time I felt like this, was long before I knew
What I'm feeling now with you.
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9
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Hey! Sole Sister.
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Nov 6, 2011 8:17 am
961 Views
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My sister, my mom and me was sitting in our living room having a conversation last weekend when she and her kids came over. My sister was actually going on and on about his college classmate who is actually courting her these days. They saw each other at a recent reunion. He is living in the states now and was ecstatic upon seeing my sister again. He actually courted her even while she still married and they were just classmates. My sister actually had to stop for a year when she got pregnant but went back to finish college so that how they met. Maybe her class mate actually figured that her husband is actually no good for her and that the marriage was actually doomed anyway. Back then, she decided to tough it out and work her marriage out somehow. She really had to literally work for it somehow as her husband doesn’t work, is an alcoholic, isn’t able to hold a job, and was beating the kids when he’s just drunk. She was the one working. She said she chose him for good genes and facial features so that her children would all look good.well, my nephew and my niece really are both beautiful and even if they’re not , I’d actually smash the face of the person who’ll say that. But really, they’re both beautiful. Maybe my sister was a bit stupid then and maybe was young to know better but he was her choice then so we all have to live with it. She got carried away by his looks, and that is so sad coz that wouldn’t be able to feed a family. She probably just reached the end of her rope at some point and then they got separated.
Now, her classmate, thinking that she’s alone though just separated decided to court her once again. She said she’s already going to Australia with her kids, she still has a nice career here anyway and she also already got a boyfriend. He said that he’s still gonna try again and maybe follow her there. She actually told us that he said the world isn’t that big enough to come looking for her anyway. Well, he’s back in the states, and he still sends her gifts and stuff. He said he’d be back for Christmas with all of his family to ask her to marry him.He bought a condo near where she lives, stalking her in Facebook as well and calls each night and every morning. He’s offered for her to live in his condo like she doesn’t have a house of her own. She was actually telling me and mom that he’s actually silly to be still doing all that. Calling her and texting her and giving her stuff, she said she doesn’t want all that mushy stuff anymore anyway she’s already happy with what she’s got she only like him as a friend. She was just sharing anyway. Mom, never to be outdone with stories, went on about her chat mates. She’s saying that she’s actually not sure if she wants to bring us along when she’s gonna meet him for her birthday. She’s saying that she’s not ready yet, that she needed more time in choosing and maybe she’s going to an aesthetic surgeon for her droopy eyelids and so she’ll look a bit younger as well, she said she wants to have her hair straightened up too. Argh!!lol!! And she’s asking both of us where’s the best place to take the guy when he comes to visit. Sheesh!!
Oh well, when my sister asked me about my love life, I couldn’t tell them anything.. They were just asking me how I’m doing anyway. I was actually a bit hesitant in telling them that one friend actually proposed that I come live with him. With eyes wider than usual they both looked at me and asked “who is it?”I almost laughed. They both knew him anyway by my stories,They knew him as the whiny friend I have about his daughters and has a thing for Chinese women, and then they both laughed again. That’s why I’m not telling them anyway and they both know him as a friend. All these years that’s what we are anyway. He called me two months ago, said he’s on his way to China with his sister and that he may be dropping by. He said he’d already sold his house and might be moving closer to the city. He said that I may be glad to know to that he actually answered for an ad about a Filipina wanting to have a husband just to be able to extend her visa and he was willing to go through it. He said I’d never believe it anyway but I may be happy to know that at least he’s trying for a girlfriend, so he told me. I actually was happy about it. I’ve been coaxing him to find someone to love him and keep him healthy and then there’d be someone who’ll look after him too. He was constantly whining about the locals in his place and the string of Chinese girlfriends that he has with one who wanted to marry right away so she could stay longer in his country. And I was laughing then, because I was thinking that he’s such a magnet for those kinds of girls. He said that those kinds of girls always wanted money, always cheats, just makes fun of him anyway and that, because of that sometimes he’s force to take drastic measures. Sometimes he just takes advantage of them too. It was just sort of “eat or be eaten sort of thing” But then this time he actually told me that since he’d actually be doing that much for a stranger anyway, why not with a friend? He said that he was just actually waiting for the time that I’m gonna ask him about living together. I never did. I don’t know if I want to anyway, but he’s asking me if I wanted to come live with him and take care of him since I sort of do that anyway after all these years. And after having said that to my mom and my sister, I kept quiet. I want to watch what their reaction would be. They both asked me where he was and I told them. My sister immediately said that maybe she doesn’t have to go looking for a man for me after all since this guy already offered and then at least we’d all be together in the land down under.
Well, I don’t know, I never sort of looked at it that way anyway as I told him.Was thinking that maybe we were both just bored and lonely so we became friends. He said he just wanted to be that anyway and so we did become friends for 4 years now. And I was thinking that maybe this time, I’d be the one in his eat or be eaten sort of thing that he has though I don’t have much to offer anyway. But the thing of it is, and as all three of them said, at least I’d be settled and taken cared of. He also said that at my age I may not have that much kids anymore maybe just one or two and he already has them anyway. So it wouldn’t be a problem raising them as much. That made me sad actually coz while it’s true, I really want to have kids as well anyway. Maybe if I settle then that would be taken cared of too, well that’sthinking of course that I’m able to bear any. I don’t have an answer for it anyway, maybe it’s just a come on and I’ll just wait when it happens anyway, but he’ll be the one to take care of that if he really wants to anyway but for now, I’m happy where I am and would probably just chill. I didn’t give him any answer, I actually do;t know what that entails anyway. He say that if I want to I got till my birthday to decide. Both my mom and my sister said to go for it! at the same time.lol! I told them to hold their horses as he might just be leading me on, Maybe he’s just too lonely and depressed. But I don’t know, I think I’ll still leave it, for now, I don’t want desperation to settle in but then again, what are the chances anyway?lol!!!
Sheesh!
Do I have to be married, separated or widowed to have the kind of guys that these women has now that they all have, the kind of guys that are at their beck and call and is there at the drop of a hat? It’s like, they’d do and would do anything for them as well, with my pops included of course. I’m only asking for a guy that I like anyway. And this guy right here has too many issues in his life I don’t know which part would I fit and be included in. (Sigh!!)
Oh well…..
Well, as we we’re about to finish talking, My sister said that she’s opening all her options to all the choices anyway, at least she has men at her beck and call. So IF(!!!) her boyfriend decides to love another woman again, at least she now has another option. Not that she’s thinking that it’s gonna happen anyway, I guess it’s good that she’s keeping her options open. She’s got nothing to lose anyway. Mom, is still thinking about plastic surgery and ming just sat on my lap for a petting. So that conversation, ended up with my sister going to the computer,playing a song in You Tube saying she’s probably thinking of having someone if it’s ever possible in keeping her options open. Brave Girl!!!
And we all just laughed at that…
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16
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RE-POSED!!!
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Oct 29, 2011 1:50 am
933 Views
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I don't hate you!
Aug 18, 2010 10:18 am
763 Views
I just love the people who hates me right now. They make my life seem more interesting and fascinating than I really am. I’m sure that there are a lot of good things about them. I’m sure their lives are as every bit as interesting than they say it really is.
Sometimes, what I just don’t understand is, if they’re happy with their so called lives or if they really are as happy as what they let other people think they are, why do they have to put on every effort to make other people look bad in the eyes of other people. Why can’t they just let other people be?
Is it intimidation? Envy? even jealousy? All of that? What??? There’s nothing really extraordinary about me anyway. I’m just like that.LOL!
I think, it’s probably their nature. I’m thinking that they’re like glass figurines,beautiful to look at and somehow gives beauty to the world but just plain empty.With all the beauty, intelligence and other gifts that they’re given they still can’t be happy unless other people are unhappy. They can’t seem to be ever happy with their lives that they let other people be infected and wallow in their negativity as well. I think that that’s sad for those people because they can’t be allowed to think on thier own. Their thoughts would always have to be in alignment with the people who throw their negativity out to them. And so they call them their friends.
Well, so long as I’m not doing anything bad to other people and I’m happy with what I do, I’d say to hell with them.
In a little corner of the world, I exist. I make other people happy and I am happy too. I can do whatever I want to do and I don’t need to trample on anyone just to be able to do that. I like it that way and I don’t have to explain why I am like I am
So again, to hell with you if you don’t like it, Who cares what you think anyway?
I mean at least I don’t.
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12
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Out of Reach
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Oct 22, 2011 12:12 am
1226 Views
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I picked my mom up in a restaurant with her friends last weekend. She had a sort of a reunion with classmates from elementary. They’ve just finished dinner when I arrived and also just decided to go to a coffee shop somewhere. I knew they would wanted to catch up on things so this might take a while I told myself. I actually just waited with a guy who’s a nephew of one of her classmates. I found myself sitting with him near the corner,pretty cute, sort of shy way too composed and very young. But like me he probably felt out of place in the crowd too.So I made him a buddy for the night.
Well anyway, Mom didn’t want to be there anyway, She’s just too busy with work and the chats. All of her classmates urged her to come since they were saying that it would be good to see her going out again and they said that it’s actually not a party without her. She’s always been a jolly person anyway and I guess they want to see that she’s back to being her old self again. She told me that they’ll be talking about their reunion in December. But the thing is, they wanted her there. They actually told me as I was being introduced by to some of them again by her classmate that another classmate just got recently divorced and her just being recently widowed wanted to play matchmakers. She was told much later on I guessed that her presence was requested as well as he was looking around to his acquaintances to see who’s eligible. There were two women who is eligible. Mom being a widow is a candidate and another one, a separated classmate of theirs and is looking as well. Well, my mom actually hates the idea when she found out about it. As I sat there she was describing each and everyone to me. I know some of them already anyway and when she was introducing me to the newcomer she told me that the guy’s mom is actually the bestfriend of my lola and that they were pretty close when they were both younger.
Anyway, they were planning their upcoming reunion and I left them all to their business and sat by the next table and just tried to be busy. I took their pictures once in a while, I talked to the guy, had coffee with him, shared my notebook, commented on some blogs and tried to surf the net as well to keep busy. Heck I even let the guy play games as he really did look board. I can see that he was bored. He tried to talk to me about his girlfriend and my mom’s classmates kids. I don’t know anything about what he was talking but I just listened anyway.
Well, towards the end of the night, the classmates were all just joking around and marveling at their stories from way back then. I’m a bit glad that the night is almost over as well.
I find it amazing how casualy this man is stating that he wants another wife after two marriages. Well, the women were actually eligible but they didn’t say anyway that they were up for it. I thought about them like cows being branded and him staking his claim. So much like just buying candies I think.buthmmph!Oh well, I’m thinking that he’s thinking that he doesn’t have much time maybe that’s just how bold he is when stating everything anyway. So I’m thinking that he was still just eyeing the girls out, just observing.
He probably didn’t know that I was observing as well. Well I guess they were just opened about it since they’re all mature enough anyway and more advanced in years. There were friendly banters about eligible men and women but that is just I think so they could cajole each other into being partners or something. Mom didn’t mind but she didn’t say anything about it. The other classmate said that she’s willing to marry him, but she wouldn’t take care of him, upfront and right there and then. And she said that since that’s how just he puts it, she might as well marry him for the sake of marrying someone who can bring her to the states. Well, everyone probably knew that she was just outspoken and I’m not sure that everyone thinks that that was said in jest but as soon as she said it, the guy told her in front of everyone that she’s eliminated already.That sent everyone laughing thinking it was all a jest. But I’m thinking that that was said half in jest there’s a little truth to that as well and tells a lot about what kind of person she was actually. But everyone didn’t want to judge. After all her ex husband is already in the states anyway. But anyway, that left mom as the last candidate for that night. A I'm sure she's thinking about not taking things too seriously. I guess she didn’t want to be in that position and be taken as a fool. But I’m thinking that like the other “candidate” there was a little ring of truth to what was being said and what was taking place. He had that same arrangement after all for his second marriage as I found out later on. But then mom didn’t want to acknowledge that as well. She probably just doesn’t even care. So she went on about talking and talking about everything. She talked about her job, kids, grandkids and even the men that she chats with.Everyone had their stories to share too. And they were laughing and having fun and sort of like clinging to every word she says for a clincher or a punchline when it was her turn to speak.
I don’t know if it’s just how she said it or the way she says it that’s funny but she was the center of attention I’m thinking that she was holding everyone’s attention that night. A very captivating woman I might say. She’s usually quiet anyway, she lets other people talk as when they need to, she’s not self conscious most of the time but she’s always inadvertently avoiding the gaze of “the bachelor.”(sheesh!) oh well.I just can’t help but smile. She looks pissed and uncomfortable sometimes. Too self conscious about the arrangement? I don’t know and I don’t think so. She tells her stories just as she always tells them anyway. Sort of like a bit serious and animated at the same time. I still can’t point a finger to it. She doesn’t even care sometimes with the way she tells her stories. She just tells them. And I would laugh sometimes about how the guy would lead in to a question directed just at her. Like one time that night, when she was talking about her job. She’s actually an admin officer now, you see, for dorms and hostels for a government agency. And the guy would ask if he can check in into one of them, they were all looking at her and she said, “oh sure you can I can even take care of it and you can be sure that you’re well taken care of anyway, just don’t expect that I’d jump into bed with you, okay??” Thenshe gave him that damning smile.She’d said it oh so casually and without even blinking that there was a moment’s pause before everyone burst out laughing at what she said. But then, nobody knew that he would pick that time to ask for her number and email in front of everyone. And said that she’s the one he wants to take care of him. It’s moms turn to be dumbfounded this time but she said "we’ll just see". Another classmate told him where she works and she said that he could just go there. He just said that he’s just going to finish his son’s wedding in two weeks and then he’ll go back for her. I actually couldn’t stop myself from smiling now. From across each other on their table,The guy is coming on to her. I see that mom is becoming a bit self conscious and the guy beaming with pride for having said what he said. It was all done in minutes and it went on through the night.lol!!
When it was time to leave, he casually put his arms around mom but mom brushed it casually. Some of them saw it, I guess it meant that she didn’t want the advances. I walked on ahead as hey were saying their goodbyes. Mom went around kissing everyone on their cheeks but when it got to his turn, she just shook his hand but the guy leaned forward to kiss her as well. It took a bit longer before he let go of her hand. And everyone was actually saying that he take us home she just said that she’ll invite everyone over for her birthday then turned to leave.
And on the way home we were talking about it. She says that she doesn’t want arrangements like that and she doesn't like him. She said that it’s a bit uncomfortable and she doesn’t feel anything. And if there’s anything, she said that she will just leave him as one of her choices as she decide which one to choose with three of her suitors. One from college, another one a friend she met in Australia and then there’s this one tonight. That’s not to mention, the chatmates that she has, and she tells me that she’s taking her time in choosing. whoa!
Well she says that she doesn’t want any of that anyway. She appreciates it that there are those kinds of men around her but she’s not that interested anyway. Argh! Oh well, Sigh!
I might go crazy thinking about her X factor, the umph! and whatever it is that i can't point a finger on.I've been wracking my brains out actually as to why men come flocking by her side at a drop of a hat. I look at her and wonder what it is that makes men just chase after her. I actually ask her about men in general sometimes when I wonder if there’d ever be a guy who’d come chase after me. She says that it’ll come if I just wait and I don’t have to worry about that.It'll just come. And then she added, 'mag chat ka kase" which sent me over the edge laughing as she tells me this now.Lol! She tells me that I should give it a hand once it comes.and maybe fate won't see that as just forcing an issue.
But then again I’m done with all of this. I stopped dreaming and looking for it already. But who knows. I just can’t help but share these kinds of things anyway, it’s mind boggling and quite unique I think for those of us who may be and are still are just hopefuls. Some people never has to do anything for love but it still comes flocking and for other people it’s as rare as the rain in the dessert. We never know what’s in store for us anyway, but I don’t think that we should ever lose faith as well. If we sometimes do, maybe we just have to look for other things and enjoy other things too so we’ll always be moving forward and maybe eventually finding the right kind of love.
Oh well…
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28
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......SO BITE ME!!!
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Oct 15, 2011 4:41 pm
1761 Views
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Whenever I meet new people, I'd usually ask if they've already eaten, what they want to do, where do they want to go, how their day was and almost everything that's probably important at that meeting. I mean if they went out of their way just to see me, I might as well make it worth their while and make a difference somehow that I was there at all. I wouldn't usually ask too many questions about themselves in the first few meetings lest they think I'm nosy and rude and I actually don't have the habit of talking about other people other lives than the person that I'm meeting in our meetings. I figured that if they want to talk about certain areas in their lives that they're comfortable talking to me about , they would tell me. I just respect them well enough not to pry about other things that they might not be too comfortable to talk about.
I usually don't think about other agendas that they may have other than being my acquaintance or probably a friend. And so I usually let them talk about what they want to talk about, even let them think what they want to think about even of me, and do whatever they want to do so long as it doesn't interfere in any way whatsoever as to how I am going to be treated and vice-versa. I usually reserve my judgments until the time that they ask for it or whenever it's needed.
I, on the other hand, would usually talk about my family, my circle of friends, my job and school and probably everything about me, what I am, what I'm not, What I can and can't do, what I want to be, my personal life and probably everything about me as well coz that's what I hold important and I'm thinking that if they'd want to be my friends they would want to know some of those stuff as well.
I actually don't have the habit of talking about other people's business and every other mundane things that other people do in their lives, it.s their life anyway.And I don't have ant right whatsoever to pass judgements on people just because they've lived their lives the way they want to. And if I tell them anything about my life, it would probably be better to reserve judgments until they are asked, until the time that we 'd be spending our lives together as friends, dates or partners or anything and vice-versa.
There's a time and reason for everything as the good book says, and there's probably a good reason why I am what I am. I won't dare to question God for all my sufferings and all the anguish coz I never question him anyway whenever I feel happy and blessed. I'm blessed in more ways than one, I'm proud of my family and what my family has become because of me, I have friends that will go through with me in whatever it is that I'm going through, I can buy my onw things, I've got a good job, I'm studying again, I could pay for my own beer and ride a cab if I want to, I'm loved not only by my family and friends but a lot of other people that I was able to reach out to and was able to help in more ways than one, I have people that trusts me just by my face value alone and there are people that likes me just for my character alone. And I could die at anytime without regretting anything as I tried to be good and did my best in just about anything that ever mattered in my life. Now that's more than anybody could say for themselves. I mean, I'm not rich or anything but I am truly blessed with just about everything that I need.
I write and talk about things that I feel that's important and have great relevance in my life.I actually do not write and talk about them just so people would say that I'm smart or witty or anything. I probably am in most things but I just don't want to talk about it. lest they say I'm bragging about it and they'd think that I'm all talk. And I think that the best way to go about it is let people people talk about your merits and just be thankful for it.
Now I only write about things that's worth my time as well. I usually mind my own business and I actually am not in the business of talking about other people's business as well. Even as a girl I hate to be branded as a gossip coz that's what people do when they don't have anything better to do in their lives. They'd talk about other people pretending that they mean the best for them but what they want to do really is feel better about themselves by thinking that they probably are better living the kind of life that they lead. They let you think that they know a lot of things about other things and people but they probably don't realize that their breath stinks even from across the table or they badly needed to change their deodorants coz people can smell a rat from where they're standing. They were probably too busy thinking about what they should say to let other people think that they're interesting and that they know a lot that they forgot to fix their lives as well. I hate to sound righteous but I've got better things to do than do all that .
Through my blogs, I'm letting you know how my life was, is and probably will be , what I think about and what I really am as a person. I think that I'm risking exposure through all this but that's the only way I can let people know how and what I am as a person. It probably wouldn't matter to a lot of people but it would certainly matter to anyone who's ever interested in me for anything as a person other than what I think about other people or a lot of stuff that doesn't concern us both if we're going to be anything at all. I can't force myself on anyone anyway.
They've got to take me as I am and I with them. If they don't want what I write about now that's their problem and not mine. I'm not forcing anyone to read it anyway. I've read worse blogs in my life and blogs are not the end all and be all of everything in our lives. Believe me.
Now if you're gonna tell me to stop writing about things that I'm writing about, I'd tell you to continue on with your medication and stay away from mine. We all make mistakes once in a while, the strong ones and the weak ones alike but the only difference is that strong people have the courage to admit they were wrong, learn from it then move on from there. Life is complicated as it is so you've got to learn to let go of things that doesn't even concern you anymore.
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You Can Stay Too...
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Sep 27, 2011 6:30 am
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Hmmm. I must be dreaming. I knew it wasn’t that long that I slept. It was dark but I can see the light coming from the lamp post outside my kitchen window. It feels so cold. And I can hear water running like a river or a falls I guess. In the faint light, I can see this place looks familiar. It’s a bit different with all the mess but I know that this is my place.
Hmmm….Wet dreams??? Nice! So that is what it feels like to be so drunk and having wet dreams. I like it. But is that how it’s supposed to feel? Hmmm. Maybe it’s started as a wet dream and now I’m peeing? It must be really good as I’ve wet my bed too. Sheesh! I can feel the water flowing in my legs now, and so with my back and the blanket. I felt water all around me and it feels like I’m swimming in it. I slowly reached for my vadge and held it to control my peeing. I need to force myself awake now, I‘m wetting the bed. I’ve reached my vadge, but my hand and my shorts aren’t wet. I am not sure if it’s possible but could it be…. Diarrhea?? Shit!! No, I don’t smell anything nasty. And as soon as I got up, I felt like I was clobbered with something. My head is aching so badly and I’m all dizzy as well. Gees! that’s when it dawned on me, this isn’t a dream it’s literally a nightmare!
It’s not raining outside but there’s flood in my house. I remember being with you so I reached beside me to see if you were there. Well, the blanket is still empty. Where the hell could you be at this time of the night? I called your name. There was no answer. I got up to see if you were in my bed among them. With the faint light, I looked but it’s still just the three musketeers. I opened the lights then. I saw that the sink is overflowing. There’s water coming from the bathroom but you weren’t around. I opened the lights to the bathroom to see if you were there and found the door locked. I knocked but you weren’t answering. I think I might be panicking and I’m moving as fast as I can but everything was in slow motion and everything is turning around.
I went to get the keys, tried to wake everyone up but nobody’s doing that yet. I can’t fit the keys to the damn door. .I so wanted to bang my head in it to stop the pounding as well. Ugh… wait a minute let me think. Tsk! Like I can with all these? You gotta be kidding me. I was able to open the door a bit and pushed harder to take a peek. No wonder I can’t open it, your six foot frame was blocking it. I had to squeeze myself inside and give it a push till I got in. I literally had to slid myself down the wall to be able to sit across to where you’re lying. I saw that you made a pillow out of your shirt. How did it get there anyway? With all your puke floating in the water, I thought you must have taken it off before you passed out. I tried to shake you awake but you’re not answering either. I was thinking of standing up to kick you just then. We had a few drinks but you look like you O.D-ied in something. If I get out of the toilet now, I might not be able to get back in coz you’d be blocking the door again.
I checked if you were still breathing. I put my hand up to your nose and the side of your neck for a pulse. I can’t go anywhere near your face I’m afraid you’d wake up and throw up again. If you do and my face is in there…. ahehehe! No way man!
I went to shaking you harder now. And then I heard you moan but I still can’t say if you’re okay. . And I can’t move you. You’re too big for me to carry and you might have fallen and broken something. I don’t know. I got the shower head to wash you awake. I pulled you up to sit and force you at al least in a sitting position, got the soap and shampoo and worked on giving you a shower. I was actually thinking of beating you with the shower head and see if that’ll wake you up. Gawd! You’re so drunk that I could you here, take advantage of you and you still wouldn’t know. That actually crossed my mind. But nah! You wouldn’t enjoy that and that’s just so low. And well this is really ridiculous. I can’t believe that this is how you are when you get drunk. My hands were already all over your body with soap but you still didn’t know. I washed your face, your armpits and your tummy but still you’re not awake. How could you be so stupid, as to get this drunk and you can’t handle it? I had to slap you to see if that will work. You opened just one eye and gave out a silly grin and went back to sleeping again. I pulled your hair then and shook it hard sideways forwards and backwards. Amazing! You still haven’t waked up. And so I waited. I actually peed in front of you and I just covered myself with the towel by the rack while I’m washing down in case you wake up but then I don’t think it’s happening yet. So I sat there and tried to get some sleep too, both of us sitting there. Me on top of the toilet bowl cover while you’re on the floor, sitting, still all wet. You just stood up all of a sudden, I felt you move and I stood up as well thinking you were sleepwalking. You just said I needed to get out I said ok. But before I was able to, you dropped your boxers in front of me then and told me you had to poop. I don’t know if I’d kick you, beat you down with the shower head or laugh. I looked at you and took a peek down there. Oh yes, I must admit I’m really impressed but then the thought of you pooping demanded me to turn my attention elsewhere. WTF! Lol!
You didn’t even bother to close the door. I didn’t bother closing it for you. And as I turn my back and walked out I realized that I was shaking. I’m thinking I was just cold from the shower but then I realized that I feel like crying and laughing at the same time. I don’t ever want to be this drunk. And I have never experienced anything like this before. I realized I’m shaking because I got scared and relieved at the same time that you were okay. I thought that you had a heart attack. It was worse than the diabetic seizure that you put me through the last time. At least if it was just a seizure, I had your permission to kick you awake If don’t have sweets and don’t know what to do and, to leave you there to rot. And I felt like peeing, laughing and crying again , you’re making me into a nervous wreck. Damn you!
I went to my closet and got you some clothes. I picked one oversized shirt and as I don’t have any shorts that would fit you, I thought I’d give you the biggest shorts that I had, only it has a big hole in it. Lol! Serves you right anyway if they see your thingy just hanging there. I hung it on my shoulders and woke everyone up or else the blasted flood would have us all electrocuted.
I went about closing the faucets. I got the mop and 3 pails under the sink. The musketeers have woken up and were all cleaning up too, thank goodness. And as I tell them what happened I also told them not to look inside the toilet as you’re all naked.lol! They help in mopping floors and getting the water in the pails by a dust pan. You were all quiet in the toilet as I peeked again to hand you my clothes. But you’re just sitting there. What??? waiting for the poop to drop? I sat by the bar chair and waited. I noticed you’re not moving again and you’re not pooping. When I heard you snore I told myself that that was it! Gosh, I felt like drinking again just to calm my nerves. And so I went inside, dried you up and forced you to wear my clothes. I even have to help you into the shorts. ’the hell! tsk!tsk!tsk! Now this is too much. I can’t believe that I’m doing this. I brushed the back off my wrist ever so slightly on your thingy as I’ve lost all my will power not to at least feel it and turned sideways for the door.LOL! I felt your body stiffening and you suddenly opened your eyes. I didn’t mean to do that of course or did I?Lol! But now you’re all awake. Sweet! lol!I smiled and led you out the door and to my bed where you could sleep. Prop up the pillows and let you lie down to sleep. Good boy. Sleep now.
The three musketeers were all busy getting all the water out. It dissipated quickly anyway once they opened the door and I told he guy to shut it. I decided to take a shower. My head is still pounding. I took my time in the showers so I wouldn’t have to help the three musketeers in cleaning up.
Good thing everything’s almost all cleaned by the time I got out. They were still mopping the floors when I came out and everything’s washed already. Nice! I put your clothes in machine for a quick spin and dry. And the tank top and shorts that I put on after the shower made me feel good as well. The girlfriend asked for a blanket and since I couldn’t just throw them out right away anyway, I pointed her to where my blankets are. I can hardly eat anything yet but I stayed with them as they made breakfast. I put on Bonnie Raith’s CD on. I thought the blues could help calm my nerves.
Well, as the three musketeers made a bed on the floor again. I slowly crept to bed so I won’t wake you up. Whew! I feel so good to be in bed.
I lied down and looked at you while you were sleeping. Your breathing’s even now and you’re snoring a bit which made me smile. I don’t know why I put up with this. But I don’t know if I could ever get mad at you. You opened your eyes all of a sudden and I was still staring. I forgot that you always wake up at this time every day. Good morning then. You were wondering where you were. Good thing I helped you with the clothes, that’s probably what you’re thinking right now! Lol! Well, your virtue is still safe. I didn’t you if that’s what you’re thinking. I told you to have your breakfast and coffee by the table and get out of bed as I’m not used to sharing my bed with anyone. I turned my back, got a pillow to hug and went about the business of sleeping. I hugged my pillow tighter and pushed myself farther to the wall. I won’t dare come closer as I might be crossing a line and we both hate that. I never want to be the first one to cross that line anyway.
But I don’t know, it felt good to find your arms finding its way across my body to land on my belly after you had your breakfast and cleaned yourself up some more. I must have forgotten to tell you that you’re to sleep with them and not with me. But I just pretended to be sleeping. You scooted on closer behind me as I pretended to be asleep I got so lost in the whirlwind of emotions that night,I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought that it was the best spooning that I had in all my life. It’s just ironic that we haven’t gone to the sex part yet or if we’re ever going to anyway. I pretended to still be sleeping and move a bit. Truth is, I made room for you to move around. I moved a bit and you moved closer. I can feel you breathing down the back of my neck now probably smelling my hair. I felt you pulled me closer, I’m glad that I was a hugging a pillow. My heart is pounding so hard and so loud that I’m thinking that it’s going to burst and you’ll hear. I moved again this time to put my other leg on top of the pillow that I was hugging .I hope you’re thinking that I’m asleep. You moved closer again and this time, I was thankful that I’m not facing you as eyes flew wide open when I felt your man-hood growing behind my butt.
Sweet!!!
To be continued….
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