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Crawling Home!
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Oct 19, 2010 5:18 am
607 Views
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A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
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To Make Myself Beautiful
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Oct 8, 2010 9:05 am
656 Views
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A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
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just having a thought....
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Oct 2, 2010 11:48 pm
600 Views
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..it is always best to look back at your past, because the past was the one who made you best....and it is a wonderful feeling to once again see your long time friends that has been the best part of your past.....
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Severe Sexual Problems!
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Sep 13, 2010 4:25 pm
661 Views
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I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy...she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window!""
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Rocking Chair Sex....
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Sep 5, 2010 6:43 am
1230 Views
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Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
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Pissed Off and Kicking!
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Sep 4, 2010 4:38 am
614 Views
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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet." said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. No milk or nothing!
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
hehehehe...Your guess is as good as mine.... (no pussy for a week????)
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Oh Crap!
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Sep 2, 2010 9:33 am
650 Views
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A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."
"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog biscuits -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.
Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.
She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
MORAL: Never fool around with little old ladies!
Dear Readers,
Thank you for reading my blog... I was once a blogger and stopped for awhile. I came back to give you some fun time (again).. I hope that I can make you laugh..after all life is and will always be beautiful even though problems arises once in a while, and most of the time it just come to us even without expecting it ... to make you laugh, smile is all I want!... thank you and I love you ! cheers to all and have fun!....
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To Be Rich and Gorgeous!
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Aug 30, 2010 1:51 am
597 Views
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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with us!
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Put Your Hand In My Pocket!
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Aug 26, 2010 8:54 am
746 Views
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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a very beautiful daughter who had one serious problem. Everything she came in contact with melted at her touch. Many were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her, despite her beauty and kind heart.
One day a wizard told the king, "If we can find one object that won't melt at your daughter's touch, this terrible curse will be lifted."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition throughout the land. Any man that comes forward with an object strong enough to hold up to her touch, will not only lift the spell but will get to marry his beautiful daughter and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamonds are the hardest material and are not capable of melting under the severest of temperatures. Alas, despite its element, as soon as the princess touched it, the diamond melted! Sad and disillusioned, the prince left the kingdom.
The second prince brought a very hard alloy, thinking it too couldn't melt under the most extreme circumstances, especially the touch of a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, the same thing happened. The alloy immediately melted after being touched for no more than one second by the princess. Embarrassed, he too went away.
The third prince stepped forward and told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and touch what you feel in there."
The princess blushed and turned away asking her father if this was appropriate.
Her father wasn't pleased, but said yes, do as requested in hopes of breaking the spell.
Ta Da! It didn't melt!
The king was overjoyed! The people of the village rejoiced in ecstasy! The curse was finally lifted and the third prince lived happily ever after with the princess.
So what did the princess feel in the prince's pocket?
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M&Ms of course --- they melt in your mouth, not in your hands!
What were you thinking?
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