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"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE ANYMORE"
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Posted:Jan 18, 2009 9:15 am
Last Updated:Feb 26, 2009 2:56 pm 3762 Views
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it's a sad how much i've neglected by you... so much neglect in fact, that i dont know how to write anymore. either that or i've totally just surrendered to laziness. i think it's the latter more than anything. so much for my new year's resolution of not letting my fervor for writing falter. here's to not following stupid new year's resolution.
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today, iT WAS A BAD DAY,some people that just do not care about anyone except themselves.You try your hardest to get ahead, and everyone around you seems to be a parasite.I LOST MY PHONE,AFTER 5 YEARS WITH ME,SOMEONE STOLE IT WHILE IM INSIDE A JEEPNEY.. so yeah. another STRUGGLE.I think im loosing my mind when you ignore me . pwede bang sabihin, "i already have shitloads here. but yeah. i'm trying to be civil about it. nothing bad happened actually. nothing wrong with me. i think im forcing the issue already. and besides, not like i was completely sold on the idea of anything more than that (and no, i'm not sour-graping. even though it sounds awfully like it). and well, i think we're both just hung up with whatever loose ends we have in the past. well, mine isn't completely a loose end. more like a stupid slip-up that lasted for months and a quarter too long. it subsided. and kudos to me cos every month, the intensity of my being hopelessly delusional that it'll still work goes down a notch or so. and i think this last stint has officially closed that chapter of my life *crosses fingers*.
so yeah. another one bites the dust.
how come it seems as though there's a multitude of wrong people to try and work it out with and an incredible scarcity with the ones you insanely click with. but the more insane thing is, is when you think you finally find it and BAM, there's that one minor fact that he's straight. oh well. we all have our own weird quirks.
well, like what i was telling him a while ago, it's just discouraging the way you throw yourself out there (at least it feels like it) and yet not get the kind of reaction you're looking for. at least not from the kind of people you'd want to get it from. and well, 20 years (and another one coming in the next few weeks) of frustration is just getting redundant. and in all fairness to me with the last one, i did try and explore all the possible ways. and by explore i mean even thinking about shifting to the other side of the fence. wait, not that other side. the role. and well, it prolly really wouldn't have worked out. so i guess it's better to have admitted so before i got myself into anything stupid. i dunno if this is my instincts kicking in or what again. basta, it all boils down to me still 
...
i wish i get to write more. i really really miss this. if only i can get that SWEET LOVE back. hay.
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out there with friends
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Posted:Jan 15, 2009 9:23 am
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2009 4:21 am 3637 Views
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I deeply regret having neglected some friends .. and i can't believe after so long i haven't seen them,they are still as warm as before...
so.. out with the hatred and in with the void.. nothing's really keeping me emotionally stimulated right now.. im like run down every single day to even think im annoyed or pissed.. it's like i dont even want to spend what little energy that's left in me to stress over the details of the past few days.. strange as it seems, i've let everything pass na lang.. i mean, write it all off to experience.. that's that.. start with a new slate.. take note.. new slate.. not just a clean slate.. i cant move forward lagging around all these emotional baggages.. so yeah.. there goes the past year out the window..  exactly one year ago, give or take a couple of days maybe, i was like rolling over of kilig.. right now, im like the jaded-est person that's ever been jaded.. .. it's like i've already poured my all in something and now i have to recuperate from it all.. the past few weeks have been ironically smooth-sailing.. i think the lack of proximity is helping too.. although, of course, i can't help but have that feeling of looking for that quick fix of kilig during the dead hours of the night.. like one in the morning, i'd start thinking of the things i used to do around that time.. maybe not on a completely regular basis.. but it was enough to get me hooked.. so now i've shitloads of unhooking to do.. but yeah.. im fine (for the nth time)... im not in a better place now.. not exactly a good one.. maybe better than where i used to be.. although come to think of it, anything's better than the lie it all was.. having to deal with the void im in right now is better.. but hey, no resentment whatsoever in that statement ha.. im just saying i chose my own poison..
i miss you so much though.. but that's that.. i'll live with it..
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IT'S HIGH TIME TO WRITE AGAIN
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Posted:Jan 13, 2009 1:51 am
Last Updated:Feb 26, 2009 2:57 pm 3692 Views
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and so we meet again.......
it's definitely been a while.. and i've to admit, going face to face with my blog's control panel again was a bit daunting.. like somehow something big has been waiting for me all this time.. like i've been putting off doin something waiting for my attention for the longest time.. talking to cielo and tere is like talking to a close friend you haven't seen (or talked to) after a long while.. but even though you haven't been in touch, some things still remain the same..
*pause*
and so it's a little hard-starting.. a lot of things have remained pent up.. and i guess it's better left that way.. what happened in DECEMBER happened in NOVEMBER.. hello JANUARY.. hello fresh start.
okay.. im not making sense.. again.. WELCOME BACK NADINE..
...
let's start over..
so what's been happening? THINKING has been happening.. life hasn't been.. so much for life balance.. although i think things have gotten a little more stable.. and by stable i mean boring.. yeah i know.. it's that same old boring rut again.. but you know what, i've grown accustomed to it.. which i think isn't that much of a great thing.. hmmmm.. is this maturity finally catching up with me?
i've become the person i've vowed not to be.. and yet every step of the way seems to bring me a lot closer to it.. and im not exactly doing anything to steer away from it.. it's like life has taken its own course and has left me hanging on its wayside.. hmmmmmm.. im doing catching up with myself.. i've out-grown myself.. which sounds really weird.. and this whole hiatus thing has gotten me thinking (as if i haven't had enough of it already).. sometimes i become collateral damage of my own brash decisions.. like the way i've jumped into the whole real-world scene a tad too early.. i know myself well enough to know that once i kick myself into doing something, it usually gets fast-tracked.. that is, of course, if i get myself to it whole-heartedly.. and now that im doing this, i cant seem to stop the degradation of my own youth.. yeah i know.. jaded at twenty.. how so twisted right? okay so maybe it's not as apparent as it really is.. but i feel like i am.. and day after day proves that i am.. i guess it does have its perks too.. but i'll have to get back to you on that one though.. cos i've yet to find out..
amazing how much non-sense can be packed in a paragraph..
...
it feels a little rusty.. the writing i mean.. it's not the gush of the thoughts to put down that's the problem actually.. it's the organizing of them that is.. they usually come in flashes of garbled up non-sensical bullshit.. and apparently, they still come out that way.. but what've i learned in this little hiatus stint of mine? a lot actually..
never play second-fiddle to your own thoughts...
it's one thing to be introspective every now and then.. but it's a totally different thing to have it grab you by the collar and pin you down like there's no tomorrow.. thoughts are thoughts unless acted upon.. and i guess it's a little too sad to have everything remain in your thought processes.. like the way you'd recede from doing something just cos you thought it might not work.. or that it might not end the way you'd want it to.. you know what, just shut up cos chances are it really wouldn't.. so deal with it and try your luck.. go against the odds.. cos with the odds going against your favor, you turn out to be the underdog to your own hunches.. and underdogs usually don't have that much to lose.. so go knock yourself out and do every goddamn thing you think won't end up well.. cos if they don't end up well, that's the way you expected them to end anyway, right? no risk.. okay, i don't think anyway followed the logic.. but who cares?? .
the real trumps the surreal every single time...
it's called the real for a reason.. so stop whining why it's not the same as the surreal.. or even remotely resembling the surreal.. wake up and smell the goddamn coffee.. happy endings are for stories that haven't really ended yet.. treat the surreal as a red flag.. a glaring red flag.. the closer you are to it, the closer you are to getting fucked up big time (bitterness aside).. but don't get me wrong on this one.. go ahead and bask away in your own corner of surreality.. just be sure you know how to wipe yourself of it when the time comes that you've to deal with the crap that's waiting for you outside the door.. sad thing though, the crap usually outweighs your two-cents-worth of happiness in surreal-ville..
indifference is a commodity not everyone can afford..
a high price to pay for maturity.. but hey.. no such thing as free-lunch.. and thing is, im not even sure if i'm investing all these for maturity.. but it better be for something.. cos i soooo know im saving up for something.. saving up all this indifference, that is.. but you know what, nonchalance is a skill.. it actually takes time and utter determination to numb yourself down.. and not everyone has that much will to take the road less traversed.. the road of turning-away.. i've seen it and is actually a few paces in.. but i've yet to see what's on the other side.. i'm proud to say though, the price i had to pay to get here was (or is) quite something.. to sacrifice self-indulgence with one's own delusions is something not everyone can afford to do.. cowardice in a way too i guess.. call it whatever you want to call it.. i'll take the angle where i look like the strong-one.. it's more self-gratifying that way.. hahaha..
reserve yourself for something (or someone) that wants you reserved...
otherwise, to hell with it..
we've all been guilty of over-supplying something when it hasn't been demanded to begin with.. and like the adage goes, excess supply drives the prices down to the floor.. so don't go about complaining when you start feeling all cheapened.. cos no one told you to enter the market.. it's prolly best to create a need first.. then start supplying.. otherwise, don't even think about it.. you've got a big problem on your hands when you start smothering people with you when you're not even sure if they want to be smothered.. as a general rule, smothering is never a good thing.. hahahaha.. oh and make sure you're catering to the right market.. cos nine times out of ten, you aren't.. damn all these economic jargons.. point of the matter is, make sure it's worth the wait..
a friend doesn't go about sneaking behind your back... a friend sneaks around WITH you behind someone else's back...
HAHAHAHAHA.. when you start worrying about your back when it comes to someone, chances are that someone isn't a friend.. or maybe you're just downright paranoid.. hahahahaha.. if someone does something for you in the pretense of helping you out but is seeming like he's edging to take the whole cake for himself, then i don't think he has your back covered.. if anything, he's prolly blowing smoke up your ass.. and when that happens, it's time to reevaluate and start chucking out additional burdens.. a long list of friends won't get you anywhere.. a good one will though..
half-truths are half-lies as well...
don't get yourself all worked up with something that's only halfway true.. logic dictates they're halfway false at the same time.. ensure first its validity through and through.. if not, then go ahead and tag it as a no-deal..
listen to your own snippets of advice...
*i've nothing to say on this one cos i've yet to try it* .
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this was refreshing.. don't you just love JANUARy??
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"ON CRUTCHES"
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Posted:Jan 13, 2009 1:16 am
Last Updated:Aug 22, 2010 2:22 am 3745 Views
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every now and then i find myself dealing with my own disabilities.. and it's annoying how i always get me the wrong pair of crutches.. maybe i should just cut out looking for one.. and just deal with walking (or limping) the hard way..
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just when you think you're finally up and about, you hit your foot against some stupid stomp and you're down on your back again.. rolling about.. thinking how did you get down on the dirt again.. and so you go about crawling thinking you'll get yourself up one way or another.. and just when you're about to give up, you remember, you had a pair of crutches stowed away.. but for pride's sake, dared not take out again.. then you think to yourself, desperate times call for desperate measures.. so you go ahead and grab a hold of it thinking, i'll just get myself straightened out soon after.. and when i'm all sturdy and shit, i'll find away to discard these again.. but then you learn how to lean.. and forget your whole plan of walking on your own.. and before you know it, BAM.. you're back to square one.. the part where you got yourself clinging on to them crutches for oh so dear life..
like some secret stash of happy grass.. when you get yourself all worked up by desperation and feel as if you're left with nothing more but that last resort, you do the unthinkable.. you snort away.. smoke away.. each second is like a step closer to pure bliss.. up until you hit that road block and realize, damn, you're all out of grass.. and when the horror of it all dawns on you, you've nothing else left but to simply shake and sweat the whole thing off..
but things aren't always as down in the dumps as they seem to be.. there're lucky times when you'd actually be able to keep yourself clean and upright.. cructch-free.. drug-free.. and it's during these brief moments of clarity that you look back and think, i could actually do this.. i could actually live like this.. free from all hang-ups.. but the road to it is tiresome and lengthy.. and to believe that patience is a virtue takes you more than just will..
still.. you remain aware that crutches are crutches.. and they're not your standard-issue appendages.. so you try and learn living without them.. heck, you've got a closet full of discarded crutches to back you up in your efforts of walking upright.. you know it's not completely an impossible feat.. but now that you're still in the process of out-growing the ones you're leaning on for the moment, it might seem like it.. it's funny though the way you'd get a chance to try out crutches of yester-years.. you walk around on them thinking, yeah i know why i got myself leaning on you for months.. but then it hits you, walking around on your own outweighs all kinds of crutches..
but at the end of the day, you ask yourself, how long will it take me to outgrow these crutches? 'til when will you keep grabbing a hold of them every time you stumble and fall?. 'til when will you let yourself loose for the sake of momentary bliss?. sometimes you just gotta learn.. no matter how hard a task it poses to be..
but you know what NADINE, you shouldn't have smoked away that last(?) bag of grass.. or walked that couple miles of rough patch with them crutches.. it totally could've been your chance to break free and prove you can discard them for good..
damn you and your handicaps..
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for the record, im speaking in tongues.. yet again..
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"First Of May"
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Posted:Jan 7, 2009 6:46 am
Last Updated:Feb 26, 2009 3:12 pm 3803 Views
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I was inspired by this song from the Bee Gees but
i love » Sarah Brightman version
I would like to dedicate this song to those who are celebrating their Anniversary.
Happy Anniversary!!!!
When I was small, and Christmas trees were tall,
we used to love while others used to play.
Don't ask me why, but time has passed us by,
someone else moved in from far away.
Now we are tall, and Christmas trees are small,
and you don't ask the time of day.
But you and I, our love will never die,
but guess who'll cry come first of May.
The apple tree that grew for you and me,
I watched the apples falling one by one.
And as I recall the moment of them all,
the day I kissed your cheek and you were gone.
Now we are tall, and Christmas trees are small,
and you don't ask the time of day.
But you and I, our love will never die,
but guess who'll cry come first of May.
When I was small, and Christmas trees were tall,
do do do do do do do do do ...
Don't ask me why, but time has passed us by,
someone else moved in from far away.
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WHY DO I HAVE TO KNOW LIFE WITHOUT YOU?
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Posted:Jan 5, 2009 6:05 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2010 7:03 pm 4005 Views
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Without you my life will not be better. You said i am a beautiful person.I have been dealt a lot of responsibility.I know that it's tough,I am doing okay so far,and I am trying.I have you with me.
We all try... its what living is.We have moments of perfection- victory. & moments of imperfection & loss.Moments in between. We experience life.We dont control it totally.Well- there r things we learn to do- that make our lives easier to deal with. Overcoming problems. But problems are also a part of our daily lives & we keep learning how to solve them,it doesn't stop the problems just change as we grow.
We hope we did a decent job in the end.
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Stepping away from 2008.
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Posted:Dec 31, 2008 8:21 am
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2010 4:40 pm 4003 Views
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instanet
a few minutes away, so i bid 2008 farewell. i would've wanted to write something that packs a whole lot more sense. but with the oh so limited time that we all seem to have, i couldn't. i'll prolly write something more meaningful in a couple of hours. which is like, err, next year? HAHAHAHA.
2008 has truly been a year of firsts. and i'll never forget all the firsts that went by (wanted/expected or not!). but most definitely, i'll never forget the people that i met along the way (and i'm more than excited to write about that in a few). oh and a lot of the (unforgettable?) things that happened this year went unwritten. i went off the record on a lot of things this year. i'm not completely sure though if that's a good thing or not.
new year's resolution? spend less. weigh less. laugh more. look better! hahahaha.
2008. frustrating yet UNFORGETTABLE.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
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