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When Love Fools (Mr. Restless III)
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Jan 9, 2008 11:30 pm
638 Views
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It's a long story. Parang ang kwento niya wala ng katapusan, what he feels and what he is going through seems become a maze that he is finding the hard way to make it through the exit.
A simple story that came to him, and he was shattered. He is affected. Kahit isang libong beses pa niyang i-deny. Kahit isang libong higit pa sa i-co-convert niyang makina. He was hurt.
Feeling ko tuloy, somehow yung karma totoo. It's happening to him. Fate is playing his restless heart. He forgot that it will come to him, yung siya naman ang masasaktan. Yung siya naman ang malalagay sa balag ng alanganin. Yung siya naman ang magtatanong sa sarili niya kung nasaan siya sa buhay nung babae.
When I look at him, I can see the pain in his eyes. And it is real. Honestly, I just can't even speak when I saw it. Parang bigla natahimik ako and respect the silence between us. And it was eerie--sobrang tahimik pakiramdam ko tuloy nasa sementeryo kami (waaah!). Alam mo yung sobrang dinadakdakan ko yung tao to made up his sensible mind on track, and I saw it...
I believe I have almost seen him teary-eyed.
Goodness. Gusto ko tuloy isipin na may saltok ang lalaking katabi ko. O baka nasasapian ng masamang spirit. Kaso...
I know I have seen tears.
And it moved something within me. That force me to shut my mouth and respect his silence. He was not looking at me, though his eyes on tv I know his mind is somewhere else. To that girl.
When I saw that pain, pakiramdam ko pati ako nasasaktan. Pakiramdam ko, it was my world that turned upside down. His pain became a reflection of what I don't want to even feel or go through. I believe that there is nothing that can touch him. That he is strong enough, that he can convert machines from L1 to L2, that he can do those trials from RSF to Trinity--can do long hours of overtime. I know he can do such thing and more.
But this..
It was unexpected. Yung makita ko na masasaktan siya sa simpleng kwento. Na maaapektuhan siya. Nasaan na si Superman?
Nakalimutan ko na likod ni Superman ay isang simpleng tao lamang. Nasasaktan din pala. May insecurities din. Napapagod din. At nagmamahal.
And now, I know he will shed his tears on his own. He will forget and will be healed.
Tonight, I believe it will still hurt. It will made him cry. Ngayon, masasaktan pa siya and that he will think hindi na niya kaya and will bend his knees down to the ground and be with that girl.
But I hope behind his pain and tears, he will not forget who is that woman that hurting him now. The woman he would want to be with..the woman he gives time to think of and be affected by her presence.
...a woman who is legally married.
I hope he will realize it. Kahit huli na.
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Somewhere, Somehow...
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Jan 7, 2008 12:08 am
443 Views
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I guess I caught up myself in one of my thinking and lazy moment. It’s been awhile since I let out clammy jumble of whatever it is hanging around my coconut shell (wahahah!). In short, wala akong magawa! (Yun lang pala yun…
I remembered just awhile ago a silly but well, a good friend of mine. We used to hang around together, open up our feelings to one another, some late nights talking about our lives now and ahead, or way beyond. He always makes me smile and wonder what he is doing every now and then and whenever he is out of sight.
May gusto ako sa kanya? Yes. But that was a long time ago, we became friends and he became the closest pal with male anatomy. I believe he also made me his close-to-heart friend for sometimes.
I used to tease him whenever there is a new girl hanging around the corner and especially if she is damn well pretty. But somewhere deep within me, I was apprehensive. If she will pique an interest, to the point of including her to his long list of ex’s. And if she would, it would be months of pain again that he will impose on me. Pero, of course, I am a friend. And his interest will be a crystal-clear to my knowledge. He never crosses any border of our friendship. I guess, because I am not of his girl type.
Ok lang. I am not expecting him to turn to me anyway. I guess, because I knew he would never do that. At kahit isaksak ko yun sa isip ko, I believe my heart won’t listen in anyway. And, I guess I was more than happy with him, even as a friend but to me he is rather very special. It goes on and on for months until he made 3 ex’s in a matter of six months. The latest I believe lasted this time. Which is hurting me badly, but definitely I was happy for him. It is about time he found the girl (even if she is not the right one, oh that’s what we think).
I stopped being around him too much. Until I finally handed over my resignation. When he found out, I believe there is nothing much he can do about it. It was what I want as far as my career is concern. But as for my heart, siguro it really wanted to stay. But I always admire how my mind overruled my heart. And that time, my mind overruled my heart once again.
Somehow I used to believe that I might have fallen in love with him if I stayed. If I let our environment affect my feelings, knowing he will always be around, just a stare away inside the company. Knowing, I could always see the familiar face looking for me in press area, telling me the specific of his latest project–or simply stopping by to endure more teasing from our colleagues about us, and we telling them we are just good friends.
Times when we teased each other na para bang mga bata. Minsan, naghahabulan pa sa loob ng production during our night shift. Or the one hour breaktime we used to spend in one table talking about crazy things. Or simply…just seeing each other in those occasional moments we happen to bumped with each other in way home.
Somehow, nanghihinayang ako. It was the first time again that I felt I was so happy. Just having him around. I felt…alive. He made me feel that. But I need to open up my eyes in reality. And the reality doesn’t include him.
My reality speaks for my set goals, for my family, for the life I am dreaming ahead to have someday. Reality tells me if and when I look into his eyes, I can never see me. No matter what.
Masakit? Siguro, before it hurts like hell. But after four months, I barely remember his face. He is just one of those guy I have met that I could only remember the name but not the feelings. Not anymore. I guess, I have stood past the wave of my feelings. Carried on, moved on…for a greater reason.
Somewhere, somehow.
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The Greatest Flirt (Mr. Restless II)
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Jan 6, 2008 10:58 pm
765 Views
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Have you seen a guy who has two girls at the same place and goodness, at almost the same time.
Kung hindi pa, ako nakakita na. And honestly, ngayon lang ako nakakita ng lalaking pokpok (magagalit na naman siya pero totoo yun!)
Well, di ko alam why i am making this blog. Unang-una, lahat naman ng sasabihin ko dito sinabi ko na sa kanya (sinermunan ko, nagmukha tuloy akong nanay na pinapagalitan ang anak sa sobrang pagkababaero!). Maybe, just to let this feeling out for all those girls out there who will cross path with the likes of Mr. Restless.
I have met guys (kabaro ko pa, ME) who often flirt with a lot of girls. But just what he have said, I have seen it at its' best (extreme!), and I don't know where the story ends. At nag-iisip din ako how it starts.
Kelan ba nagsisimula na mag-flirt ang lalaki?
Is it when the girls show some interest? Is it when the guy himself become challenged? Or is it when love plays the usual game of who is fooling who?
You will not go out with anyone if you don't feel like going out with them. Sasama ka dahil gusto mo din subukan how to be with that person, dahil somehow may interes ka sa kanya. You will not and you cannot force yourself to stay beside the person you don't want. Gagawa at gagawa ka ng paraan just to stay away. Pero kapag hindi mo ginawa, oh don't even blame the girls dahil alam nila kung kelan sila gusto ng lalaki o kung kelan wala talaga silang maaasahan.
How far will you go with your flirting?
Is it worth losing your sensibility? Is it worth losing yourself with that person dahil lamang sa hulog na yung loob mo sa mga flirtations ninyo?
Is it worth losing everything you have now? Or what you are now?
If yes, then maybe you found the love itself. Pero kung hindi...isn't it more hurting to those who believes that there is chance behind your flirtations? Okay lang, if these women know the terms. You want me, name your terms attitude.
How many women out of 100 who will go for that kind of arrangement makasama lamang ang lalaki na gusto nila? Are you one of those girls?
I believe that love in any form shouldn't be fooled around. I believe that respect should come first. If you have respect for that person, you wouldn't encourage anything at all for them to believe your flirtations.
How far will you go? How long can you handle your complicated situations? Pero sabi nga, buhay 'yan ni Mr. Restless. Pabayaan na natin, I have given food for the thought at nasa kanya na if he will accept it or he will make it his way.
It's his life anyway.
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Mr. Restless
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Jan 6, 2008 3:45 am
697 Views
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Magtatanong kayo kung sino siya? Haha, wag na. Kasi baka sabihin niya chinichizmis ko ang buhay niya.
Let me give you a glimpse to a life of my Mr. Restless. He is a bee (langya, bubuyog pala) who kept on hopping from one flower to another.
Womanizer? Hardly.Well, yun ang sabi niya. He is not a womanizer (mahilig sa babae pwede pa).
You'll ask why he became the topic of my latest blog. Siguro, what is happening to him reflected my past. Not actually his life, but the life of the girl who is crying for him now.
Years ago, my ex bf dumped me. I was sort of a nagger who seeks his attention frequently. Yung tipo na magkausap na kayo every night, once a week he'll travel two hours and more just to see me and still...kulang pa. I became jealous for no reason, I became insecured nang wala namang dahilan.
Magulo? That was me when I was twenty three, I can't say I was in love with my ex. It looked like it was a responsibility on my part na magselos ng sobra (sabi ko na nga may tama ako ahehe). So he was fed up by my nagging and asked for a cool-off. Sempre, on my part masakit yun, maybe it wasn't my heart who is hurting that time but my pride pero I can't recognize it then. Sa sobrang galit ko, ayun sabi ko mag-break na lang kami (nyhahaha! yun ang tinatawag na lakasan ng loob pare!). The story doesn't end up there, my hurt pride cannot accept that someone dumped me, I had to prove that I am not pangit dahil sa ginago ako ng ex ko (nyhaha, that was when I am still angry), I did go out for a lot of dates, and met the man who stick with me (though, it was a long time ago we parted as friends as in good friends).
Woman, by nature is easy to fall. Yet, easy to find a way to held up her head high with her heart bruised.
When Mr. Restless broke up with his latest girl, I felt it was all coming back to me. Yung feeling na masakit, yung gusto mo maka-recover ka kaagad sa lalaking ito but you just can't find an easy way out. Yung tipong kaliit-liitang detalye sa kanya buburahin mo sa buhay mo. Yung hindi mo na gagawin yung mga bagay na nakapagpapa-alala lamang sa kanya. Yung kulang na lamang isumpa mo siya dahil pakiramdam mo ginago ka niya. Yung...tipong ikaw na ang pinakamapangit na babae sa mundo....yung tipong nagtatanong ka bakit nakilala mo pa siya..
Ano girls? Ramdam nyo? Masakit di ba? But let us not blame Mr. Restless or the likes of him. Let us also look within ourselves. Hindi bakit inayawan tayo...hindi bakit kulang pa ba. It wasn't the question we should ask.
Is he happy whenever I am around. Did I ever made him happy whenever we are together. Did I ever let him feel that his day became bright everytime he talked to me, touched me or simply by looking at me.
And by that, you should ask yourself too, do I feel the same way he feels whenever he is with me?
Relationship in order to work there should be something between the two of you connect to one another. There must be something you feel mutually.
When Mr. Restless got tired, sabi niya the problem is himself. Hindi na siya masaya. And I was asking him why that glow suddenly left him. I took pity for the girl he hurt but I think he is also hurting himself...because he hurt another girl who cares for him too much.
What is happening to that girl happened to me years ago and I know how it was. Maybe, it wasn't her heart but the wounded pride asking for a revenge.
But the sweetest revenge you could cast for those who hurt you badly is not to hurt him back, or to wish he goes to hell or condemn him for the rest of his fucking life (ginaya ko lang sinabi nung girl ahehe).
The sweetest revenge is to love yourself more even thru times of your pain and tears. When someone hurt you, you will never be happy by hurting them back. Hurt them by loving yourself above them.
Sasabihin nyo, paano? Hahah, it is easy. Do what makes you happy. Nang hindi kasama ang ma-in luv uli sa maling lalaki. Here are my tips;
1. Go out with your girl friends. Yung tipo na hang around lang, malling, tea girls party, yung tipong group party. No man is allowed.
2. Do what makes your time goes by. Manood ng tv (kung kagaya ko na couch potato malamang maka-recover ka kaagad.
3. Read suspense-thriller novels, avoid romance novels. Kung di ka ba naman tanga, heart problem ka na nga yun pang kwentong pag-ibig babasahin mo. Magbasa ka ng nakakatakot, mga Anne Rice o Dean Koontz tingnan ko lang baka heart-attack na makuha mo (at least hindi heartache nyahah!)
4. Think about your family. Yung kapatid mo ba pumapasok pa? Yung erpat mo baka may babae na ( o di ba engage with family affair!)
5. Do blogging. Express yourself through blogs, the more you take out that feelings thru writing the more you can let yourself go.
6. If you are a gamer, mas ok. Get your gameboy or PS 2 and play all that role playing games you are craving about sabi ko sa yo kahit pangalan niya makakalimutan mo. Nyhahahah!
7. Don't entertain another guy. Oh, take it from me. Forgetting someone cannot be done thru someone else. Just stick with yourslef for the meantime.
8. Love the life you have, thank God for the blessings even yun moment na nakilala mo siya at nasaktan ka niya. Why? It makes you a stronger and better person and eventually found the right man for you.
9. Smile. Smile. Smile. It will makes you forget you are aching deep within.
Life will be travelled only once, bakit mo pahihirapan at sasaktan ang sarili mo di ba?
Let us not blame people who hurt us badly, yung akala natin napaka-walang kwenta na nila dahil pinapahalagahan natin sila ngunit binabalewala lamang. Let us not also think they are taking revenge against us dahil may nanakit sa kanila before. No.
Maybe, he is just trying not to prolong the heartache. Maybe, he is not happy and damn girl, it is his right to find that happiness di ba? Kahit tayo, if we feel the same way he feels maybe you will say, what can I do? Hindi ako masaya. Let us not forget to put ourselves to somebody else' shoes before we throw out hurtful words to them. Maybe, he doesn't want to hurt you but he will more if he will pretend everytime you are together.
This Mr. Restless is just being honest. But is honesty hurt the girl who deeply care for him. Does it makes him the heartbreaker? Siya na ba ang masamang tao sa kwento ko?
I stay in between, coz I once felt how it was to be on the shoes of the girl he did hurt, and at the same time knew that it was his honesty that hurt her. And it was not a crime to be honest.
It is not.
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Walking Away
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Jan 6, 2008 3:38 am
491 Views
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I have realized that loving sometimes doesn't mean of staying and be with that love.
Sometimes, it is better that you walk away from it and heal yourself from the painful cuts it caused you. Life is short, we have to enjoy it. But how can you do that if somewhere deep within there is an ache that cannot be relieved unless you moved away.
There is a good friend of mine telling me sensible thoughts but somehow ang hirap gawin. There is a certain man from my past coming to my life once again...and I am opening door for him. Sabi nga, love could be sweeter the second time around.
But then, I have to feel what I felt way back when we were still together. When all I can think about was to be with him, to talk to him in no time of the day, when the simple ring of my phone kept me run as if it is my life. I missed those days that we were together, all our laughters, his warm voice greeting me good morning--when my day became complete when he says how much he missed me.
We've been apart for nearly three years now and somehow communication was a history. And now, he is here--and I was lost. Hindi ko alam ano ba dapat ang mararamdaman ko? I was trying to find that special feeling. I want to remember how it was to be held in his arms, to simply be at his side---
When we parted our ways, it was simply our communication that ended the relationship. We failed to open our lives to each other. Though, I can see there is love. But love that has turned not to reality but a faraway dream.
After him, no man have ever been closer to me. I never did turn cold, but I become tired of being into a relationship that has no thread of security, not even a single strand of hair to bind us. I become tired and focus my life to my family, to my work, to my friends, to my life as single, no love to make me worry at night, nor thoughts to wonder when that love will embrace me. I became at peace---while everyone around me are all wondering and getting tired waiting for their special someone. Somehow, I did not bother myself at the very least.
Sabi ng tiya ko, bakit daw hindi ko pagbigyan. Ang dali kasing sabihin, but I am not cut from the cloth where Mr. Restless himself was cut. I don't and will not go for a man that I have no interest. Yung tipong kasi type niya ako kaya pilitin ko siyang tingnan. I have understood myself kung bakit parang may kulang. I have always been faithful (naks! aheheh). If I go out with my ex again, it means he is the only man that I am thinking at this moment. Na siya lamang ang gusto kong makasama and no one else.
If the door is fully open for him, I can bade goodbye that person who kept haunting me even in the slumber of my dreams. Even if, he is the only person who made me feel that love I thought had left me...even if his face become visible not only when I am wide awake...
Even if...
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The Heart that Beats...
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Jan 5, 2008 9:31 am
512 Views
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I did move on.
Siguro, akala ko lamang hindi na kaya ng puso ko na magmahal uli. For such a long time, I must admit he is the only name inside of my heart. And made me think that I will never love again, wala kasi na makapantay sa pagtingin ko sa kanya. But of course, it was not true when I said he is the only man that I can love.
In my heart, he is still here. Hindi na mawawala yon. He is a part of my past and my feelings will always made me feel amazed to find how great it is all this time.
And now, I maybe still alone. Still unattached after all these years but it doesnt mean I can never love again. If I can't, then I don't think I will be capable of feeling something disturbing again. Yun medyo may kilig, yung titingnan mo yung tao ng medyo matagal...hahah. See? My heart still beats...
All I need is the right man to make me feel alive again. But I am no hurry. He will come.
One day soon.
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