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I'll Live, even without You
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May 26, 2011 8:40 am
831 Views
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Salamat.
Finally, ginawa mo na yung bagay na hindi ko magawa. Yung lumayo sa akin as if I am infected with some kind of disease. And, maybe there is a huge lump constricting my breathing just thinking about how far we are emotionally with each other but I am standing still, my pride kept my feet standing strongly on the ground. Dahil yun na lang ang meron ako. You have shattered my soul already, you stopped my heart from beating, from feeling the wonderful emotion I could ever feel.
Pinatay mo na yun. but thank you pa rin, kasi natuto ako na magmahal ulit. Yung finally, ma realize ko na kaya ko magmahal and walk away from it just for the sake of your own happiness and peace. And I'll give you that. This time, it is for real.
I'll give you peace. Even it is killing me now.
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For Him---For the Love that is never meant to be...
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Apr 9, 2011 9:20 am
454 Views
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Pagod na ako.
It's what I feel inside. Pagod na akong mahalin ka. Pagod na rin akong masaktan. But then again, andito pa rin ako. Nagmamahal at nasasaktan pa rin.
I told to myself everytime you were hurting me unintentionally. "Sige lang, saktan mo lang ako. Kasi ngayon lang to, one day I will never remember all these pain that I am going through. Kaya sige lang..."
Pero sa ngayon, masakit. Ang hirap pa nga. Kulang na lang iuntog ko na yung sarili ko sa pader para sakaling matauhan ako kaya lamang bukol lamang makukuha ko. Hindi pa rin magigising yung puso ko na nagmamahal ng sobra. Yung puso ko na hindi yata napapagod na mahalin ka sa bawat oras na magkasama tayo. Kahit sa mga oras na hindi tayo nagkikita.
Have you seen how much I was so torn inside out? Have you ever wonder kung nakakatulog ako ng maayos ng hindi umiiyak sa bawat minuto na pinapamukha sa akin na hindi ka kahit kailanman magiging akin? Goodness...maybe you are so insensitive. For the feeling that you don't know it's tearing me apart.
I love you so. How much..hindi ko pa rin alam sa ngayon. Kasi ikaw pa ang laman nito. No one else has ever occupied that space since last year and a year before that. Kahit andun lahat ng flaws. Kahit wala talagang pupwede pang makuha sa 'yo and still..ikaw ang mahal ko. Ikaw na hindi ginawa para sa akin.
I just want to get out of this. Konti pa...and I will be able to put you out of my life.
Soon...
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Miss You Like Crazy
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Jan 22, 2011 7:59 am
482 Views
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Just tell me how much you care, but even without you telling it I knew it from the start.
I wish I could look straight to your eyes and letting you know how much you mean to me. But then, I knew you knew it all along.
I would like to feel how to be in your arms, just a tender hold as if there is nothing would ever make me feel like I am in heaven. But it is just a wishful thinking I can never make it come true.
How I love you. And even me has no grasp to the intensity of it.
I want to know how it will be when we are apart, as if I am living a whole different life from this one that includes you in it---and how i learned there is no happiness in there. That there will always be a single spot that can never fill in.
How will I ever walk far from you, when the very thought of it is already killing me slowly, hurting and tearing me apart? You tell me how...maybe I'll have a clue where I should start moving on without the memories of you.
But then again, please let me move on..let me feel there is certain someone waiting for me somewhere in this universe, in this very lifetime.
I am missing you more even when we are together.
Please don't make me love you more and more each day. Don't make me feel it's you that I have been waiting for all this time...
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Sa Lalaking Minahal ko ng Sobra
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Dec 30, 2010 9:37 am
480 Views
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To you,
There is nothing more painful but to leave your heart behind.
And there is nothing I can do. Hindi pa man, we are destined to part ways, or specifically we are not created to be with each other in the first place.
I could feel this pain as I watched you from afar, oblivious that I am just counting few more weeks before I finally bid my goodbye. I could tell you are annoyed of my teasing every now and then, somehow it becomes irritating even you are so busy at work, but just bear with me. Bear with me a little more.
As I look back what we had this year, all I can do is smile often. Laugh a little even there is ache that cannot be subside in a couple of years. No one will ever be another like you in this life of mine. There will only be you.
Even now, it still eludes me of what you are feeling for me and even all I did was to dig deep down your heart, but until now hindi ko pa rin alam. Kahit pa sabihin ko na your actions speak louder than words still, of course I can't be sure. And even if I am sure, what is it that I want from it? What is it that I will ever want from you when---someone owns you completely?
Logically, I should stop feeling like this. Logically, I should be tending another matter, or another human being than to be swarmed up in your presence, in your memories..in this aching feeling. But I just can't. I failed to do it since January so I guess I am being illogical. What can I do? I am loving you no words could ever define.
And damn it, ni hindi mo alam what I am going through, all you can see is my friendly smiles, my teasing, my cold shoulder brushing off your presence sometimes, laughing at your jokes, talking seriously about work,---i am your buddy. And yet, hindi mo alam what's going on with my heart. Hindi mo alam, how badly broken it is, how much it wants to hold you close not just to warm my lonely nights but---to fill this empty feeling inside, this hole that I am carrying a long time. Goodness...masakit na talaga. And soon...
Please don't ever think that I am just being emotional about this, I am not. I am trying my best to put some sense to my head coz if not, I might bend down on my knees and beg you to take me, to love me even not the way that I am loving you. Can't you see, I am loving you just so much.
If she crossed the line just to be with you, it doesn't mean I can't do it and it doesn't mean by not doing it is loving you less. And that she is loving you more--I don't want to burden you with these feelings and yet---and yet I want to hold you close just to ease this longing. Matagal kasi kitang hinintay. Matagal kitang hinanap---I have been searching for you all my life...
No arms could ever give me such comfort, such completeness but yours. The time that I felt your arms around me when you were teasing me, I tried to hide it na wala lang yon. But now that I know how it is to be in your arms....
Let me go without feeling remorse to my decision. Don't give me the impression that you are going to be hurt, that you are going to miss me--oh I am sure you are going to miss my presence in there but just treat me, bid me goodbye as a friend and don't hold me back, don't even make me think that I am hurting you when I leave.
I'll never forget you. My heart will always know you even there are memories that will going to fade in time. I will always remember the face, the smile when you tease me, the arrogance, the way you say it na lasengga ako, such worry when you can't see me around, the silence you keep in between us whenever I was absent or when you are busy, when you do a list of sermons to me and I was annoyed by it. When your brows draw together when I sprayed alcohol in your face, and the laughter it followed when you sneak around just to sprayed it all on my pants.
But I can't also forget the day you told me you love me, and how much you don't want to hurt me, that you are the first one na nasasaktan kapag may nagsasalita sa akin ng hindi maganda--I thank you for that because you made me feel that I am special.
I love you more for being sensitive even if I don't look like a damsel in distress.
You see, I stored so many memories of you. One day, I may not remember them all and I don't need to remember all of them just to remind me what you are to me.
The fact that I finally found in you what I have been looking for a long time ago, is enough. You are my soulmate. And both of us can't deny how we get along so well---as if we knew each other ages ago. You are my other self, and maybe one day I'll be at peace, that myself will not yearn for you anymore, you are still my gift, my heaven sent.
I wish you all the best in this world, that happiness will never be an impossible dream for you. I'll pray for you always...
From Me
PS
If you never read this, it means I have no courage to burden you with my feelings
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My Little Hell
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Sep 11, 2010 5:55 am
629 Views
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There was a shout out that i posted in fb that's goes,
"sometimes you wouldn't find the one you have been looking for unless he stumbled right in front of you, whether he is free or not the reason why you have met him is for you to realize that he doesn't need to be perfect but he became exempted to all of your expectations.."
Sounds emo right? When I made that post I wasn't drunk or something, I am clear-headed sober than anyone you would find working in a night shift call center. I have read a quote passed in my cp sounds something like that and think that, it's so true. Love is not blind, it never is. But because of that love you put him on top of your expectations, you totally wipe out the what you called, the list of qualities you are looking for a bf potential.
Ask me if I did and I will proudly say that I found that entity I am looking for a long time ago, an entity that has no name, no status, and yet even in his imperfections I found what I have been wanting all this time. He is not perfect, oh dear he is not. He is what I called human: real, authentic, full of flaw but it doesn't stop me from seeing him in a lighter note. Despite of imperfections i found my soul, feel like I have found my other self.
But that doesn't mean he is the one.
In my heart, deep in me pain is an understatement of what I did feel, of what I am feeling--it will never define what it is loving the person from afar and loving him with all your heart, loving and never will be able to say just how much.
In time, all wounds will heal. In proper time, love will shine and show some way which will lead to the one destined for you. In this life, at the end of the day, you will cry out looking for him but then again, you will patiently say to youself to enjoy life as it is.
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So Much of Loving You
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Sep 11, 2010 5:37 am
631 Views
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Sometimes I don't know where to start writing my blog. Most of those times when I have so many things in mind that I need to unload by writing all of it and sometimes I end up just having a good sleep and hoping I will be okay in the morning.
But of course, I am not going to be okay unless I let go of this disturbing thoughts that I sometimes term it, "dragging me out of my mind".
I thought everything will be fine after you have told to everyone that you will never leave her. After you have slapped in my face many times over that no other girls will come between you and her. And I believe it wholeheartedly, because I know you so well. I know how much you want to be a good husband to her and a loving father to your kids. And I respect that. All I want for both of us is friendship and peace of mind. I can't shake off my feelings to you and whether you know it or not it didn't bother me because you have made it plain and crystal clear to all of us how much you have changed.
Until she showed up one night to our drinking session and everything changed. I was not angry at her for what she maliciously think of you and me and the rest of us during that time. I can't blame her, she may not be your legal wife but she is your common law wife, she has right to take hold of you. Her approach to what happened may not be right but as a woman I cannot blame her.
I was hurt. For I have witnessed how she didn't respect you in front of us whereas I have loved you so much. I will not contest on how much she loves you because I know she loves you so much that it is killing her to see you not around. But before I have loved you, I do happen to respect you as you. I didn't respect you just because I love you. And I was badly hurt seeing you like that.
I ignored you for days and you didn't have any clue why. When we talked I bare my heart and soul to you, I told I wasn't angry but we have to give way to her right that she happens to be your wife. I admitted that I forgot that you are a committed person who has a wife and kids waiting for you when you are going to be home.
You told me that you don't want to ruin our friendship just because of your wife.
I thought it will going to be a flattery. But it made me more miserable. I have remembered that night when you told me...
"...joy alam mo naman na mahal na mahal kita..."
If it was for friendship still I was swayed by it. Both of us drunk and tipsy and no one heard.
I told you,
"...alam mo din naman na mahal kita.."
Maybe I was more miserable now because of it. I did try to ignore it and I failed so I told you I am just stepping away a bit and hoping you would understand. You abhorred the idea but I insist. And you are making it hard for me each day.
I missed you alright. I missed you so much, our laughter and our genuine care for each other. How we are different now from weeks ago and I wished it didn't happen. Pero nangyari na and now I am suffering from it.
My friends told me I am such a fool to let this happen. Yung masaktan pa ako ng ganito when in fact I was hurting so much already.
But I am ready now to move far away from you, it will kill me yes, but at least I am at peace. I may not be a happy fool but a good-nature lonely and empty wise woman. For I cannot step anyone just because of my own want.
Even I am literally dying now.
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So I Have Met You
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Aug 22, 2010 9:12 am
422 Views
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Sometimes you wouldn't find the one you have been looking for unless he stumbled right in front of you, whether he is free or not the reason why you have met him is for you to realize that he doesn't need to be perfect but he became exempted to all of your expectations.
I do not use to like him the first time we have met, and that was a year ago. He looks conceited and arrogant, even if he talks to me I frowned very often because of his arrogance. After a month, he filed resignation and work abroad. Everything became normal, and the guy that I fell in love with is actually your closest pal. And even if your friend can never return what I felt for him, we became good friends.
Two months ago, he let me used his handle so I can open his facebook account, it just so happened you were online and thinking I was your friend there was nothing I can do but to chat with you pretending I am him.
Unethical and my biggest mistake I guess coz that's when I started having this interested with you. Nakakatawa, kasi parang ayaw na ayaw ko sa yo and now...I was mesmerized by the thought that in fact you are actually nice.
I did add you in my account and after a few weeks got the courage to chat with you--and the rest is his history.
When we met last week, even if it is pure coincidence I felt my whole world starts to stumble down right in front of me, the smile and the way you look back at me was playing in slow motion in my mind over and over again.
All I want now is to know you more...coz this is the first time we see each other differently.
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Letting Go
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Jul 31, 2010 9:09 pm
539 Views
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Finally, you have said it.
Yung matagal ko ng hinihintay na sabihin mo sa mukha ko na mahal mo siya at hindi mo siya bibitawan. Yung marinig ko yung confirmation kung ano siya sa yo.
And last night you did. In our simple drinking session you have broadcast what was it between you and her, your past life and the hardship both of you went through just to be in your relationship right now. And hearing coming from your mouth, I have confirmed to myself that no other girl will ever stand between you and her. No one will ever match what she did for you and what you both went through.
Saying it was all painful for me is understatement. I am not just feeling hurt, I was broken in an instant. I was torn inside out. And even if I know this will going to happen to my aching love for you, masakit pa din pala kapag actual mo narinig at naramdaman.
I was in aftershock and it took me the time till I got home before I shed my silent tears. But I know in my heart, these silent tears will also be the sign of my escape from you, from this love, from this insanity that is killing me each day.
I love you not because of this and that. And even I went through a lot of pain loving you and still until now I don't know why I love you this much. Why despite of everything it's you that I need in this life, it's you that makes my day a colorful one.
I have so much blessings and I am counting each of it and thanking God for all of these. And I know that one thing she is thanking God for is for having you. For your devotion to her and no one will ever break it.
Hindi ko man kayang gawin yung ginawa niya para sa yo it doesn't mean I love you less and that she loves you more. It just happened that my love will never be in any form of trying to hurt anyone coz I do believe that God has created this feeling in wonder, out of good, not in any form of trying to hurt somebody else.
And until now, even now that I am writing this blog masakit na masakit na. But one day, I can get out of this and moved on, out of your life and it's not a plan just because I am hurting. It was all planned even before, I know I am not going to stay forever in this place, I am just considering the right time, at kahit na ngayon na nasasaktan ako I know this is not the time yet, but I want to look forward to that day, dahil alam ko I can finally give myself peace of mind and so are you.
You don't need to brag it anymore in my face each time that you are not going to let her go just to make it plain and obvious to me na there is nothing you can do about my feelings.You don't need to worry anymore na baka nga umaasa ako in the end that you will fool around with me.
But there is something you don't know yet. That if I like you I will do everything to win you over. Even for some sweet interludes.
But I don't like you. I do love you. And this love will set me free from becoming a bad girl, coz no good girl will ever hurt the person she loves so much.
And I love you just as much.
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You Are the One
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Apr 14, 2010 7:33 am
683 Views
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Another day passes by and I'm dreamin' of you
And though I know it might be just a dream, dreams come true
Somewhere, somehow I'll find you
even though it takes all of my life
That line, somewhere somehow I'll find you, makes my heart skips faster--as if I am remembering a long time ache of finding that infinite soul who is meant to be with me for the rest of my life. Sabi ko, alam ko makikita ko din siya. I was looking for him a long time ago. A very long time ago.
And I did.
And when I fin'lly do
I know inside my heart
That there could be no doubt
I knew it from the start
I knew I did find this soul. This soul who's been haunting me a long time ago, in my dreams he was there--no face just an entity who is waiting too to be found. Alam ko nakita ko na siya, there is a something moved inside me as if a certain piece of myself finally come home. God, I know this feeling. As if I'll never be complete without this piece, without being properly placed to where it really belongs.
You are the one that I've been searching for
my whole life through
You are the one that I've been looking for
and now that I found you
Yeah..I have found him at last. And I have never been this happy, I have never felt so complete with each passing day being with you.
I'll never let you go
I'll hold you in my arms
'Cause you are the one
But I can't. I can never hold you in my arms, even if I wanted to. When I found that one thing that I am looking for, I didn't wish for the entire package. When I have asked for him, hindi ko nasabi na dapat binata siya once I finally found him.
But maybe fate will answer back,
Finding the person you have been looking for doesnt mean he is the one meant for you.
And I agree. Maybe he is the one that I have been looking for all my whole life but he is not the man necessarily right for me. Maybe he is my equal, he is that piece that will complete me
But he will never be the right man created for me. He was not, in the first place, created or designed for me.
It's April 14 and here I am, everyday is always a struggle but this time I know I have been dragged to my own pit. Coz I have chose this path of hurting myself, of letting myself be drawn too much in his circle. Letting myself get used of being with him, talking, and laughing and---how I want to get out of it. But I can't. Ihahakbang ko pa lamang palayo ang paa ko, sumusuko na ako. I can't do it.
I know he is stepping a little far from me now. Nararamdaman ko na that there is something wrong in our being so close. May mga naaapektuhan na kahit wala kayong ginagawa. And even I was hurt by this sudden display of cold shoulder, I will not force myself back to "our environment". Since, I can't step back, it is good that he has the courage to do so. Masakit, well yeah. But I can share some loads too. I can help him a bit.
I am dating someone now. And he knew it. I can feel my own pain welling up deep within. Kung naapektuhan ka o hindi, that pain wasn't for you. It was for me. Dahil pinipilit ko na lumayo sa yo, kahit pa sobrang nahihirapan ang damdamin ko. I need to put up this happy face everytime I see you so you can move on stepping back further.
In my heart, I can feel it rebels in my decision but nothing could make me change my mind. I have to try. Kahit sandali lang, at kahit mahirap I have to try it. For both of our sakes, but mostly for your peace of mind.
That's how much I loved you. And I do.
I know that come one day
A time for you and me
To fin'lly be together
'Cause I know we're meant to be
Maybe in another lifetime, but not in this lifetime. And even if, I'll find you in that parallel universe, another you and me. And maybe, yeah...I can say this song is really for us.
You are the one that I've been searching for
my whole life through
You are the one that I've been looking for
and now that I found you
I'll never let you go
I'll hold you in my arms
Forever is meaningless word
even though you're here with me
Here by my side, here in my heart
I'll never let you go
I'll hold you in my arms
..and I'll never let you go in that time. Never.
Cause you are the one
You are the one
You are the one
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Still
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Mar 20, 2010 7:52 am
679 Views
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Time passes by.
The last time I was talking more about you and this aching feeling. I just thought I did move on. For awhile, I thought I did.
Hindi na kita hinahanap. Even if, you want to shake down the whole place looking for me, everytime na nag iiba sched ko, kapag na la late ako--o pag uma absent ako.
I used to spend some times with a new guy. He did make me laugh to the point na sumasakit na tyan ko kakatawa. I managed to put distance between us and I know you were puzzled until the day you saw me with him.
I felt guilt when we looked at each other's eyes. Kung para saan I do not want to entertain.
But one thing is certain, that I can never feel the same way that I did feel for you.
Iba ka. Iba ka sa lahat. Hindi dahil importante ako sa yo. O dahil alam ko na special ako sa yo.
You are different because I have never felt this meant-to-be feeling that overwhelmed me everytime. But I stopped thinking about it, about you and I. In the first place all we have is mere friendship. Yun lang.
And I guess I am going to bear with it for the next couple of years. And I wish I could carry on.
I wish.
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