Tell Me How to Forget
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Apr 25, 2010 8:24 am
1364 Views
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We haven't talked for two weeks. Maikli pa, but the first week was like--it's hard actually how it was and how did i survive it.
Parang bigla niya akong binitiwan. Bigla niya akong iniwan sa ere. Bigla na lang ayaw niya akong tingnan, at bigla na lang hindi ko maramdaman yung concern, yung kakaibang pagtingin which left me in doubt if I just imagined all of it.
But of course, I will not insist myself when he is like that. It kept me thinking if he just have this mood swing or if it is his way to lie low in our friendship.
But if I am just a friend then no need for cold shoulder.
Oh maybe he doesn't want to put his peaceful life in jeopardy just because of our friendship. They say it is hard to keep that kind of friendship between a married guy and a single woman. Or it isn't?
It was hard but I have helped him by staying off his way. Yung hindi ka na pumunta sa area niya, that you will not act so sweet to him, will not joke and fool around. And I am sure naramdaman niya yun. And it's all okay with me. Coz maybe I want to hurt him too the way I am hurting now. Mukha nga lang hindi effective dahil yung 1 week naging 2 weeks na. Until last Sat, that he changed his way to go to my area...
That suddenly he became that man I used to be with. Hearing again his voice with so much care, concern and feelings. But I dared not to be the same woman he knows.
I held myself so hard, and treat him with a friendly gestures (maliban nga lang sa hinahawakan ko baba niya dahil tumutubo na naman balbas niya at bawal yun inside the company, pero it is just my way to touch his face haha).
This stupid heart is not listening to every warning signaled by my head. It looks like my feet is glued in the ground that I cannot even move a fraction. Kahit pa sumisigaw na yung utak ko na tumakbo ako ng mabilis. Nang malayo. At wag ng lumingon pa. I just can't do it.
Im counting months since the time I fell for him and it's been straight 8 months and still here I am, tied myself in this dilemma, in this madness that feels no ending--I am stuck and cant get out of this whirlpool that I have created myself.
It's 24th of April. And still here I am, loving him with all my heart.
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A Love to Remember
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Jan 28, 2010 7:42 am
1647 Views
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Day by day it's a struggle already. Seeing you everyday and trying to be the friend that we should be.
I did try to stemmed down my own want to be with you each passing moment of my life. I did. But in the end, I will find myself at your side. Laughing, giggling and joking around. Or simply talking solemnly. As if we talked like we never did before.
I talked to God. I prayed for you. I prayed for this aching love. Sabi ko, I want this feeling to be right. I want this feeling to be the most valuable thing to feel for someone. Ang hirap i-explain kay Lord. Especially kung sa mata ng kahit sino it will never be right. It will never be the love that I should fantasize. Or the kind of love that I should say I should be proud of.
But God understands. God knows what I am trying to say.
That's why I came to Him. Prayed for you. Hindi para makuha kita. Hindi para magkaroon ng katuparan ang nararamdaman ko.
But I came to Him so God will be the One to weave the plan for us. Noong una, ayoko kitang ilapit, ayokong ihingi sa Kanya ng saklolo ang problema ko kasi natatakot akong baka Diyos nga ang gumawa ng paraan para ilayo ka sa akin. Baka nga, tugunin Niya ang dasal ko na magkaroon ng solusyon ang problema ko.
But I am not afraid anymore.
I want Him to give you peace of mind. I prayed to God to give you peace of mind and heart. So you will always remember what you have now.
You keep on saying you missed me. That you need to be with me so you will not miss me that much. Whether it is friendly talk or the thing that I keep on dreaming about, it doesn't matter.
I said, one day I will leave. You told me not to go, you told me that I should stay, whether it is because of you or simply because you do not want to be part from me, it doesn't matter anymore. I stopped thinking about it. About what you really meant.
Kasi ngayon, hindi naman ako ang kailangan mo. Hindi yung pagiging malapit natin sa isa't isa. Hindi yung dahil sa nasasanay ka na nandito lang ako, nakikita mo, naaasar mo, nakakausap mo--kailangan mo na ako.
You need Him. That's why I came to Him and prayed for you. Prayed that you should fight for your chance of happiness. That you deserve a second chance after what you went through. You need to feel blessed. And each time, pakiramdam ko hindi mo nararamdaman yon. Dahil sa pinagdaanan ng buhay mo. Dahil sa problema mo na parang ayaw ng mawala.
I want you to feel blessed the way I feel right now. I've been blessed with so much in this life, with my family, with my work, with my friends and I've been blessed that you came to my life, hindi mahalaga na ginulo mo ng sobra ang pag-iisip ko, hindi mahalaga kung nahirapan ako ng sobra na mag-pretend na kaibigan ka nga lang sa akin.
Nang dumating ka sa buhay ko at naging magkaibigan tayo, you made me feel important, naramdaman ko how much you care for me sa maliliit na bagay, pag nasugatan ako you easily notice it the same way you did notice how I get mad easily kapag hindi ko malaman kung paano ko i-destruct ang box. Hindi ko alam that you've been watching me, and you will just mock me.
No one will ever understand why I feel proud loving you. You made me realize a lot of things. Pag nagmahal ka, there is no body or form qualified for the feeling, it doesn't need name or status, it doesn't ask for a qualification or requirements when you fall.
When I admitted to myself that I loved you, I loved you not because you are showering me with attention, not because you look ruggedly handsome in your shirt and denim pants, not because you carry yourself so arrogantly but you are the gentle one, aren't you? Cause there is so much tenderness that I can see in those eyes everytime you look at me. And God knows I am not imagining things. You have been always the gentle one. You always are.
I can tell in so many ways that I love you not because of this and that, but I can't even tell in the first place why I love you this much. I always been mentally block every time I will search within me why I love you.
But then, I can also tell what I cannot do because of this love.
I will not burden you with it. I will not put you into the situation that you went through the last time. I will not invade your peace of mind. I will not let you to think about me. Just because I am the best girl around. Just because I am the different one among the crowd.
And God will hear my silent prayer. And I know He will act upon on it. Dahil alam Niya, na minamahal kita sa totoong kahulugan ng pagmamahal.
God knows I loved you. And even if one day we will part, I know you will be okay because I will always pray for you.
I always will.
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Lalaking Hindi Para sa Akin 3
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Jan 16, 2010 10:32 pm
1816 Views
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So many times that I open up my story to FFF by blogging. Many times that I posted and revealed to those who log on about my life, how I deal with every disturbing feelings, my struggle, my triumphs and my failure.
And every time I was so overwhelmed with those responses I am getting whenever I posted my blog on advice forum. It is very helpful indeed that a lot can relay to my foolishness. And wasn't it foolishness when you let yourself fall for someone who can never and will never return what you genuinely feel towards him at exact genuine feelings too.
But my story is nothing compared to those who actually go overboard, who actually leap the boundaries and try what it was like. To be the other woman. I am no judgmental person, but I believe I am very much opinionated one.
What they did, maybe there is reason enough, maybe for them to learn the hard way--the process of learning after you made the mistake. And I don't think so, that doing nothing could be a bad choice too. If I cannot do something about my madness, I am still afraid to do a bigger step regarding about what I really want in life.
I want him.
The same thing that I have wanted few months ago my new touch screen cellphone and calmed down right after I bought it. It was the same eagerness to see him everyday the way I have wanted to finish my Dean Koontz' novel Whisper, that even my eyes bled for tiredness I kept going and going until I cannot take it anymore.
I want him.
The way I cannot explain. Maybe not to hold me close at night, to feel him wrapped his arms around me and maybe not to hear him say how much he wanted me.
I want him.
To see him everyday, to know he is okay and that his mind is set to work and be focus the whole day doing what he does best. To make me feel assure that he is there thinking nothing but to finish the whole day with his work on his mind.
I want him.
To find him smiling, and laughing, that he cannot laughed anymore because of so much joy by our conversation, of those silly jokes and fooling around, the private joke that happened to be not that private anymore because all of them where making fun of us and we were so playful enough to let them know we were just making fun and laugh it off.
I want him.
To find you talking to other people, to hear you are having good time talking to other people about work, about other friends you have and about their lives. I want to see you smile to them and to their stories that touched you.
I want him.
To know you enjoy your day after work by playing PC games and how you beat all of them. To hear your amazement on this new gadget you want to install in your computer. That I do not know and I do not have interest and still you keep pushing the story.
That's how I can describe my want.
I don't think stealing him from her is included in my wants.
I don't want.
To hear you from other people that you are looking for me whenever I am not around.
I don't want
For me to know you asked about my schedule whenever it wasn't posted yet. On keep pressing asking my friend what is my schedule today and tomorrow since we do not belong in the same line.
I don't want
To be not around, or to even test to not be around coz I do not want you to go such length of looking for me, I do not want you to even bother thinking about where I am or what I am doing whenever we are not together.
I don't want
To hear from them how you made me the topic the whole day by your team because of our silly private joke.
I don't want
To give you bother, of worries--honestly I dont want you to think about me or to look across the room until I look at you.
And I don't want
To hurt the one he is with right now, coz she have done a lot of trouble just to be with him. Things I don't think I can do.
But I guess I can do something for him.
Yung gawing mas malinaw na kaibigan niya lang ako at kaibigan lang din ang tingin ko sa kanya. By that, maybe I can help him a bit, that I am no threat to his peace and to his family.
I think I can do that for him--coz that's the only special thing I can give him. The only thing.
And nothing more that I can offer. Kahit gustuhin ko pa. Yun lang ang maaari kong ibigay.
Sa lalaking hindi para sa akin.
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Lalaking Hindi Para Sa Akin 2
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Jan 14, 2010 9:02 am
1703 Views
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There were times that I feel I am going to lose my head.
Yung ang daming gumugulo sa isip mo and still you are the only person who makes it harder and harder. Alam mo naman, and yet, you let yourself to be drowned in this whirlpool of emotion na kahit ngayon nahihirapan kang maintindihan.
It's been 8-9 months that I have known you, and 5-6 months of being friends. And this feeling had not been decreased, I am still the girl from that window who stole glances to where you are. Kahit pa nga, our relationship has blossomed over the past few months. Pakiramdam ko, ako pa rin yung babae na sinisilip ka across the room and secretly smiled to herself, coz I am happy enough seeing your back.
One of my good friends stopped listening to my lament over this aching feeling that I think is killing me slowly. I have to smile more often to hide how ridiculous this feeling that overwhelms me every time that I have to think about you.
It's no use liking the person who is not emotionally available.
Who says I do not know that. I knew it from the day I was born. I never threw second glance to any guy who is committed. But I guess I am making a lot of mistakes nowadays coz twice I have liked an unavailable guy. The difference is that I got away from the feeling the first time, suddenly my eyes flew open and found out that there is nothing likable with this person.
But this time, it is different. We are bound to see each other everyday, at least for the next three years. At mas natatakot ako kung saan ako dadalhin ng pagkakagusto ko sa kanya. At this point of time, I was already on the verge making fool of myself and the only thing that's holding me back, is
I believe I am a good woman.
I believe I am. I cannot throw myself to him because of that belief. Pero minsan nawawala sa isip ko yan sa bawat oras na naglolokohan tayo, nagbibiruan at nag aasaran. We were buddies, aren't we? That's why we were so comfortable with each other.
You even suggest in playful manner that you are willing to give me a child. And I told you, mangarap ka na lang. And we laughed about it and all those people who heard that. But how I want it if you are just only free. Pero hindi. And I should stop. Pag gumagawa na ako ng paraan to lessen our encounter, you stopped by to my area and playfully joke around so we will end up na nag aasaran. Now what should I do? We are like souls who are free to roam around, and found this familiarity that we have. We are souls who is ageless, young enough to still play but century old when we seriously open up to each other. We are souls who have found our better half, maybe not romantically, but mentally and something far beyond that.
Or maybe it is just me thinking about it. It is just me who believes what we have is special. It is just me. Me and my wild imagination.
Dahil walang magbabago, ikaw pa rin ang
Lalaking hindi para sa akin.
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Para sa Lalaking Hindi Akin
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Dec 12, 2009 7:56 am
1942 Views
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So finally alam ko na why I am like this. Finally, I have found the answer that I have been looking for, and all this time I was so afraid to admit that to myself.
I have been loving you all this time. Sa kabila ng lahat ng shortcomings mo, ng lahat ng maling ginawa mo, I am here---gaga na umaamin sa sarili na mahal ka pala. Na kahit sa simpleng ka-inuman lang ang tingin mo sa akin, simpleng kaibigan at katrabaho na kasabay sa breaktimes, taga hiram ng allen wrench mo, ng adjustable mo kahit meron ako, yung tipong kahit alam mo ang trouble ng makina mo magtatanong pa rin sa yo para lamang makausap ka. Yun ako sa yo.
Nakakatawa, kasi nung nakaraan lang ok na sa akin na magkaibigan tayo, na wala na yung kilig moments, yung wala ng malisya sa ginagawa mo o sa inaakto ko kasi magkaibigan tayo. Almost a week tayo na magkalihis ang sched, then suddenly nung magkita na tayo sa iisang sched, you gave me cold shoulder. Nung una hinala lang, ako naman si tanga gusto makasigurado na you are in fact giving me a cold shoulder--at mas nasaktan pa ako kasi it was plain obvious you are keeping me at bay, trying to put me on that category na pinapakita mo sa lahat, that i am nothing special, and that I am just one of those usual girl from work na kangitian lamang and nothing more.
Damn you, coz you have shown me how it feels like. Masakit pala. That you are giving me cold shoulder. Damn it, coz this pain is unmistakable, it pierced deep down and you do not know it. You do not know this aching feeling.
Ok na, inihanda ko na sarili ko na sige maybe, this is what I have been waiting for, yung ikaw na mismo ang magbigay ng boundary sa pagitan natin. Ok na sana. Kung hindi lamang nagkita tayo unexpectedly and you go with me even though she was there at your side. Kung hindi lamang, you changed gears in an instant and became the man that I have known. Yung lalaking iba ang pagtingin sa akin.
I have been waiting for a chance to let go of this feeling so I can moved on. Pero, I know deep in my heart you are holding off that distance so this kind of circumstances wouldn't occur. Maybe at the back of your mind, you are afraid that I will cross this boundary and you are afraid to hurt me, of telling me that there is no future for my feelings, that you are sorry coz there is nothing more you could offer.
But let me. Let me tell you how much I ached for you. How much I want to hold you close enough, to hold your face between my hands, to look freely in your eyes so you will know how much I loved you. Let me find the peace in the haven of your embrace.
And let me forget the reality even just for once. Let me tell you how much I loved you, you who have been a torture even in my dreams.
Lalaking iniibig ko sa kabila ng lahat.
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A Love Letter
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Oct 12, 2009 11:20 am
2247 Views
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We haven't known each other for a long time. Five months ago we were a complete strangers to each other. Suplado ka pa nga at arogante, pero one time you helped me to set up my machine and I felt glad so I asked about you.
May asawa ka na. That's the only thing they said so I dropped all this interest na nagsisimula sana. And I guess it's okay coz we didnt bump occassionaly and you are not so friendly. But after awhile, I started to feel again this feeling that I want to know more about you. Masyado ka kasing misteryoso. Never ko kasing nakita yung interes sa mga mata mo sa kahit sinong magandang babae na dadaan sa harap mo.
It started from talking to you about machine, and to the extent of joining your drinking session together with common people that we both have in our workplace. After a month, we started talking casually, then a good conversation resulted to hanging around during breaktimes and to the point that I dont need to be the first one to start the conversation. Ikaw na mismo minsan ang nag uumpisa.
Of course, I was happy. And naiisip na kita ng madalas. But after awhile, ikaw na ang nagpupunta minsan sa room ko at nakikipagkwentuhan, honestly na alarma ako. I was alarm because I know I will put malice to every actions you are doing towards me kasi nga gusto kita. So medyo dumistansya muna ako. Kaya lang nag back fire pabalik sa akin when you started to walk a few steps away from me too. Did I post my invisible slogan at my head saying "we could never be that close" so clearly that you were able to read it instantly?
The other night I feel i want to be with you again kahit tipong ka inuman lang, kasama lang but not like this as if we were back from square one. So I joined again your drinking session but goodness I swear I saw the reluctance in your eyes when you saw me there and I was hurt thinking you might have hint about what I feel about you and you obviously dislike the idea.
You got drunk and I was the one who assist in every possible way that I can. When you were sleeping I started talking to them about my ex bf, sabi ko kasi nakikipagalikan ang ex bf ko after a year of no communication. From your sleep, you cursed my ex bf. I ignored you and continue talking and asked them if I will take him back.
You said, while your eyes closed, that I should not coz andyan ka naman. I look at your sleeping figure and ignore it. Lasing ka naman di ba? Of course, you dont know what you are saying.
Then I said how dare my ex bf to kiss me right there and then as if nothing happened and you said if I want you to kiss me better.
I didn't know how I got home afterwards. But even though I appear so remote and casual my emotions are in turmoil. Siguro at the back of my mind I was wondering if what you have said were all true or you were just playing with me coz you were drunk.
Whe we see each other at work today, you talked about what happened but not the 'conversation' we had and I do not have any plans at all to talk about it too. Para ano? Alam ko naman na lasing ka. But when I asked you what time ka nakauwi you looked at me as if you want to read in my eyes if I did remember what you have said. But of course, I will show no sign of it.
Even if I like you, and even if I want to fall in love right now, my head is saying to me that it should not be you. You are separated and now you have your common law wife, so in which place in your life I should fit in? Wala naman di ba?
Hindi ko rin kasi alam bakit kita nagustuhan. Not just the look but your sense, you have an intellect that I will not be bored with. Kaya lang, if I will look back on how you have hurt your legal wife and how you exchange them to a sexier and prettier young girl, I can feel my own disappointment welling up inside me. I mean, is it right to think about you? To let my feelings be in haze where in fact you dont deserve it.
I know, I have no right to judge you for what you have done years ago, and maybe I really do not know what was the real story but I dont want to know it anyway. All I want right now is to shake off this feeling and go back to our comfort zone. Yung kagaya ng dati na parang hindi magkakilala. But it was too late for that right now. But I guess not too late to forget this feeling that still I dont know what it is.
And hope this is not what I think it is. Coz definitely, you are not the man for me.
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And this time....
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Aug 14, 2009 5:18 am
2109 Views
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I have realized now why I did meet Leo.
When I was writing that blog about him and during that time I was in deep hurting, asking why I had to go through such kind of torment, of knowing this person and liking him where in fact I can never be with him coz he is married.
I did ask whether this experience will teach me to be a better person or if I will just be a bad woman in my own story. But none of it happened after the experience. Maybe, I wasn't the woman I thought I would be once my happiness is put at stake. I don’t happen to grab someone else's husband.
It happened so I will not repeat that mistake and that I can guard myself into such kind of attack. So I can prepare an armor to cover up my heart and never fall for such pain and anguish over and over again.
After a year, I have fully understand bakit nga ba nanyari yon. And this time, not only that I knew why but I can face this problem with a smirk and a lifted eyebrow.
I have met this guy from work. Usual guy who looks he can have all the girls he wants, medium built with broad shoulder and who walks as if he owns the whole street. The kind of face a girl would like to have a couple of beer, have fun with or maybe dance with him on the dance floor but never, ever trust her too fragile heart.
When I asked about him coz he helped me to set up my machine, one of my co‒workers eagerly said, “He is married,”
So I don’t entertain the idea of knowing him besides I feel shy talking to him coz he looks suplado whenever he passes by. For months I have fantasized of other men that I met at work but defy the thought of him, totally ignore him actually. And so was he, we never exchange small talks. Lahat sila don nakausap ko na, but I actually change my way whenever I will meet him up.
But then again, I came back looking at him when he was transferred to our line. The quiet look, and he never ever give a sideways glance to whoever enter the room. Ganun siya ka detach. As if, nothing existed but his machine, his work, his life and nothing more. It makes me more interested. Ni minsan kasi hindi man lang siya nagtapon ng kahit isang tingin kahit kanino. Not even care if a beautiful woman will cross his path or will enter that room. Totally devoid of interest.
But I said to myself…I have to know this guy. Kahit konti. So I started asking about his machine which he genuinely and generously shared his skill to me. He is soft spoken that’s made me a little out of balance coz I never expect him to be soft spoken. After awhile, I took this courage to hang around his usual tambayan. Every breaktimes of 15 minutes in the morning I hang around with that place where we eat our merienda. Hindi pa nag start don ang small talks, honestly it took a while. Maybe two weeks after we first exchange small talks or since we were involved in a little petty discussion. Then, I even take the more drastic step….
Last Saturday, alam ko mag iinom sila kasama ang isa sa mga kilala ko na operator who happened to be fond of me. When kuya rene asked me if I want to join I easily said yes. Nababaliw? Worse than that.
After that, we drop all our inhibitions and start smiling whenever we cross our paths. Not only we exchange small talks but comfortable enough to make a joke around and give each other big smiles. And that, he would be sometimes the first one to start it.
But even he is occupying my thoughts and that he is sending kilig to the bones feeling to me, I know where to put myself. I know what and in which part of this feeling I should stop fantasizing. I know what I cannot give and what I should not take.
And the funny thing, I wasn’t delusional. I am not in pain, and I don’t ask why I did meet him. Coz I am pretty aware of who I really am and confident enough to be a woman who is, even most of the times lukaret, but definitely a nice woman who will not step any other feelings.
And this time, I can think about him without being guilty.
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Understanding Man's Sexual Libido
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Jan 28, 2008 2:53 am
2624 Views
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Man, by nature, is polygamous.
Oh, we know that for ages. Man does not become contented having one girl, or worse, of having a single wife. They said, and also we knew it, they prefer tasting different women to satisfy their sexual urges. It was also a known fact they have an undeniably high percentage of to being sexually stimulated than women. A simple porn film will give them a flag pole under their pants. A peek on women’s breast will rot their world of sexual fantasy.
I have a neighbor who is unhappy couple. Married for over fifteen years and have been blessed with six children. All throughout their marriage, there were series of women who come and goes to their lives and still the wife endured it for the sake of her children. It is more endurable if there was only one other woman you are going to compete of, by mere age and beauty, for the excitement of having an illicit affair, for the sexual rush a man can’t have with his legal wife.
But to have a series of illicit affair; four different women, is quite forbidding. It is also unforgivable, not only from the eyes of God or man itself. But unforgivable to a pure heart and genuinely love of a woman who sacrificed her life and career for her family. To the eyes of a legal wife who never thought that a man she married will turn out to be a monster she wished she never had a chance to meet at all.
A man whose lust can’t be satisfied with his wife will find solace and comfort, warmth and sexual acrobat, with other woman. It might be younger than she was, beautiful as she is before she married him, sexy and luscious body she was denied when her body ripened by series of pregnancy. Or worst, she could be an older woman who offers security when it comes to finances. An older woman whose sexual libido is cannot be satisfied if it’s not a multiple orgasms. An older woman who, separated or single, believes more on the prowess of her own body.
Is it worth losing the trust and security of your family because of your sexual libido? Is it worth losing the faith and love of your children due to your unashamedly flaunts of affairs? Publicly opening their eyes to the bitter side of the marriage of their very own parents, making them weep and taunt their own mother due to her martyrdom and blind love to their own father.
Don’t let this happen to your own marriage. Sex is important to make a marriage work. But let alone love and trust, respect and fear of God is the solid foundation why you still held your wife at night, why you kissed her on the forehead and tell her how much you are thankful of her and the children she unselfishly gives you, and why you still look at her with that knowing look both of you could understand. Instead of dreaming you are digging some tight and younger hole; instead of thinking how will you ram her off to death. It will be fun, at first. Make you ache all over, make you writhe in agony of having her close to you. But it won’t last. It will never last a lifetime.
But there is something that will last…
Your respect for your wife will.
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Hatred
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Dec 25, 2011 10:01 am
280 Views
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I will always be thankful to you. No matter what.
Even if I am hurting as I am hurting right now, still I will say thank you. I was happy for my 3 years stay within your radar. You have made me a happy girl even for such a short period of time, and even if we were just good friends.
Whether it was me alone who made this friendship a special one, it didn't matter to me anymore. All I want right now, is for us to have both peace of mind and if being apart is the only mean to have that, then I am asking fate to grant us peace.
Don't think, you are not important to me anymore. You still are. It's still your name my heart keeps on screaming at night and even if I am wide awake. There is no doubt about it. But being together will lead us to nowhere. Being with you or not will cause me a great pain, no matter what I choose. You will hurt me just the same. Staying will never make me happy too. I know that now, I even knew it before I was only afraid to realize that there is no other way around.
Take your step so far from me, just like what you were doing for the past weeks, I will try to keep mine too. And this time, I will use your great wall of pride towards me against my longing to be with you again. My heart will cry out after weeks and weeks of being distant from each other, but it will understand this time. I have given it so much joy for the past years, and akala ko wala na akong pride. But, I was so wrong. Maybe it wasn't pride that holding me up, maybe it is reality that my happiness is simply hurting me so bad I do not know how to move along.
I ask Him, for me to let you go and my longing must not sweep me off my feet again. And do your part, hate me as you have loathed me for weeks. Despise me for it's your anger will push me away.
I dare not feel any remorse or misery, and maybe I am too numb to feel anything. And let's forget each other, treat me as if I am just a trash and things will be the way I want it to be.
Yung hindi ko na maalala kung ano ka sa akin...
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My Love
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Sep 6, 2011 6:52 am
541 Views
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Another few months, year 2011 will come to an end. And another year passed in my life, I am a year older. But nothing changed, still the old me, I still have the mind of a 25-year old girl.
And still very much in love with him.
Funny, that when I thought it was over, or my feelings for him is over--I know I am just fooling myself big time. Because, deep in me, I knew that as long as i am staying in his radar I will never get over him.
My love for him is too deep, hindi ko alam why i am loving him this much. Iniisip ko bakit? Paano? And I am clueless.
Whenever you are near me, I can feel i am melting. I am just hiding it, but sometimes when I can't take it anymore I will simply say, "umalis ka dyan, naaasiwa ako sa yo," and you will not ask why.
You keep teasing me around, do a lot of things to try my temper and everytime na nauubos na yon, when I keep my silence because of my anger, there you are, all you need is to stop awhile and sing to me and i will laugh my heart out.
Ganun lang kadali. I can't stay mad at you anymore. After our 'cold war' the last time that it took two weeks of ignoring each other, we surpassed another hardship and this friendship of ours take another step. I have learned that since I couldn't stay mad at you, hindi ko na dapat pang paabutin sa kinabukasan ang pag aaway natin, same thing with him. Since he was the first who started it, he will not take any minute longer to iron our misunderstanding.
Even when other people tease us about it, about what I really feel for you, we both ignore it. We know the real score, we are just good friends. And saying that i love him is not a big deal with me, and I will not ask if he loves me because I know he does. Because, I am a friend and loving each other is not a crime. Even if I feel otherwise, my friendship is a genuine one.
I love him so deep that it hurts me oftentimes at kahit masakit na I can't stop myself from loving this man. Yes, there were times I will ignore him, that I will not look for him or I will not say how much I care for him---I don't need words because being here, right beside to where he is, it's all enough to say how much he means to me.
Alright, I am a fool. But in love, there is no wise and better man. One thing, that he knew---even how much I loved him, there will be no chance for us to be with each other outside our friendship.
It's not that I don't have the guts to prove it, to stand for it---simply that, I don't have the heart to hurt the person he is with right now, that person that he loves then and maybe he still loving until now.
I ached for him, I longed to be in his arms-----my love is simply killing me right now.
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