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once upon a time...
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Oct 20, 2011 12:22 am
1602 Views
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...the town committee talked me in participating in some kind of talent contest, search for miss whatever they called it.
It was election time and they said that some political candidates were going to donate some amount to whoever is going to win in exchange for one slow dance. And because they made me believe that the funds will be use to build a covered basketball court for the neighbourhood, I stpidly agreed. Everything for a good cause, no?
I remember it was 20:00, the ceremony was about to begin and I was still sleeping. The brgy. Chairman came to get me, and boy he was in a foul mood. But I thought I done my part already and didn’t have to be in the actual coronation. I reckon it will not make a difference if I show my face or not. The money was in the bag already and who the hell cares if those aspiring politicians would not get the promised dance from me. There were other ladies present, they can have their picks. But apparently, the power that be think otherwise.
What I did was comb my hair, sprinkled some powder on my face, borrowed whatever dress from that time was pregnant younger sister, put on a pair of white slippers and off I went.
Everyone was scandalized. Especially my fellow candidates who clearly spent little fortune for hairdos make up and gowns.
I couldn’t care less. The crown was on my head, I did my job, what more they could expect?
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17
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24/7
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Oct 16, 2011 9:11 am
3181 Views
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my thoughts are colourful fast-moving screensaver's slides show with badly connected international radio playing in the background…
how can I turn it off??? there is no- knob- switch- button- plug or socket; but it keeps playing on and on and on...
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115
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i love you, i honestly love you...
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Oct 11, 2011 10:23 am
1901 Views
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If someone would ask me who my first love was, I will say it’s Rolando (out of no one better to consider) though I’m not really sure if I ever been in-love. (My mother said I’m not capable of)
I met him one afternoon I was waiting for my (rebel) elder sister to finish their class officers meeting (though I doubt if there really was. With her, nobody knows) which was held (suspiciously) at one of her classmate’s house. It was beginning to get dark so I decided to come in and sit in the kitchen, and there he was; looking tall and immovable like a __ statue (a fitting nickname his peers used to tease him with, I found out later) he looked at me intently (a habit he has towards anything or anyone) I ignored him. He was grown up (in my eyes) already
I was surprised to get a letter from him the next day. His sister (who was in the same grade as me but lower section) Joy gave it to me while I was waiting in line for the flag ceremony. I put the paper inside my pocket and forgot about it. Till my mother washed my uniform, found the damn thing and gave it to my father.
“You don’t believe what’s in here, do you?” He asked me. I shook my head thinking: I don’t even know what’s in there.
He shoved the letter back to me and commanded me to get rid of it. I scrolled over the words before I used it to light the fire to cook rice. I read: white even teeth… nice legs… cute smiles…and kissable lips. Everything in English. I wonder who really wrote the letter. I find it too sophisticated for a freshman sitting in lower section of a barrio public high school. No chance.
I get letters from him almost every day for two years since the first. Mostly, I put it somewhere and forget all about it, or tear them up without reading. One time, I even tore one of his letters while he was looking and in front of my classmates. If look could kill…
But I did have lunch in their house. Joy asked me once to eat with them, her parents wanted to see me. I wonder why? I went with her for several reasons: one because I eat lunch in school anyway and mostly alone since my sister was always nowhere to be found. Two because their place was way over the big railroad bridge and I always wanted to go there but not alone, and last because of curiosity. I secretly wonder about this not bad looking, quiet, moody teen who chose to go after me instead of the more popular choices around.
Their house was dark and tall and the kitchen was upstairs. They used cutleries instead of eating with their hands and looked at me quite scandalized when I did so. I didn’t eat much because I live in a fishpond and used to eat lots of seafood plus meat all in one meal instead of just rice, vegetables and miki floating in tons of water.
All and all, I think I didn’t give much of a positive impression. So what? I ate my lunch on my way back sitting under some bamboo trees. Joy was patiently waiting few feet away looking even more scandalized than her family. The only positive outcome of the whole meeting was: at least I have met the real authors of I love you, honestly love you letters, his two sisters who were in college. (Damn! I hate to be right)
If his parents didn’t like me, I didn’t notice it with his attitude. He hanged around our building more than ever and everyone knows about us already. It’s embarrassing. He even snatched my self-made (fashioned from cigarettes carton) baseball cap (he let one of his mates snatched it right off my head. I tried to run after him but he jumped into the muddy rice fields and I was wearing complete uniforms. My mother would kill me if…)
And return it the next day full of graffiti. The nerve!
Emmanuel came into my life at the same time, and what a way to do it. He beats up our sergeant at arms Gabriel to a pulp. I found him sitting next to home economics building bleeding. The side of his nose was torn off and so were his lips. When I asked our school sec who did it she told me it was her uncle, Emmanuel.
I found the uncle sitting just outside school’s gate on a railroad wearing a red bandana. He was a complete stranger to me. Never the less, I marched up to him and laid my case. (of course I found out already that the reason he punched Gabriel was because he told this outsider not to destroy school’s properties in this case, plants.)
All the time I yada-yada-ya to him, he just looked at me amusedly eying me up and down as if I have no single clothes on. I felt so humiliated.
The next time I saw him was in our house. Surprise, surprise, he was the leader of the gang my sister was a member of, and it properly named KATUGA (kain-tulog-gala) I dislike him even more. His brother Arthur always called me Gladys Knight. I wonder why?
Emmanuel reminds me of Robin Padilla (or the other way around) he’s sort of maginoong – bastos. And he set his eyes on pestering me. One time, he locked me between his legs to braid my hair! And he was constantly making side remarks. I wanted him to disappear.
Rolando on the other hand was getting bolder. He started to demands things from me. When I asked him for a reason, he showed me a letter (which clearly written by my sister) that I am agreeing to have a relationship with him. I was shocked and decided to avoid him. What follows was a cat and mouse chase. The once quiet and love struck teen turned into a bonafide psycho.
I remember one time I was looking for my sister and found her in the middle of a gang war at the big railroad bridge. Students everywhere! On top of the bridge, in the water, everywhere! Everyone was fighting! I was so busy looking at the spectacle I didn’t notice the train was coming. Rolando as if by magic appeared from nowhere and pulled me to him on the side of the bridge. The footholds were merely 2by2 and hanging in the air. I had to cling to him. He tried to kiss me and when I told him I would jump he said: “Then jump.” And I did. When I came out of the water, he was there waiting for me. He successfully fended off a slap from me and holds my wrist tightly.
Couple of co- gang member of my sister came to the rescue. Rolando retreated simply because they were outnumbered. I didn’t know that he belongs to my sister’s rival gang, Indian Hiders (what a name!)
That was not the end of my episode with Rolando. He began harassing me in public. The worst thing he did was RIPPING my uniform open just outside the school’s gate on the front of all our fellow students. I was standing there half naked in the front of everybody. Very traumatic.
He only earned two weeks suspension for it after we ended up battling our case in faculty office, where he branded me a tease and I accused him of being a psycho. It didn’t stop him though. He kicked my umbrella off my hand and broke it to pieces, and stole my school bag as well. He followed me everywhere and I was really beginning to get paranoid. I started seeing him everywhere (even when I transferred to another school in town)
To top the situation with Rolando, Emmanuel decided to abduct me. He did it while I was walking on the railroad carrying our final exam papers. They grabbed me and put me on this thing that can ride on rails; the thing has a fitting name__ skates. Not surprisingly, my sister was with them.
They put me in some barn, a kind of storage for giants’ native fans which are normally for export. He was sitting on top of the unmade palm leaves waiting for me. My sister said. “He will not harm you. He promised me.” Duh???
But he really didn’t. He just talked to me about things I don’t understand while kneeling in front of me and holding my hands. I must annoyed him somehow for he dragged me afterwards to the bridge again together with his members (including my sister) when we reached the place, there were other people on the other side of it (The suspended structure connects two big adjoining barangays, which respectively the residence(s) of both psychos) I recognized Rolando, standing on the far end of the bridge.
Emman put me in the middle of it and pushed me gently saying:” Move! Go to him.” When I refused to walk, he told me: “Move Cherrilyn, trust me.” So I did.
Behind me I heard him shouting: “You want her. Get her. If you can, she’s yours.” I thought what am I? Someone’s property? But I kept walking. Trust him he said.
I see the face of Rolando getting nearer and nearer. He was looking intently at me without blinking, eyebrows knotted together, am I scared?
Before I reached him I heard movements behind me. I looked behind and saw Emmanuel without glasses for the first time. He put me behind him and what happened next was a blur. I remember punches being thrown, bloody face of Rolando, him falling off the bridge, Emman catching an arrow on his leg, my sister exercising karate on her Indian Hiders boyfriend, I don’t even remember how we get home. I kept hearing the voice of my sister telling me not to tell things to my father. I didn’t.
All and all, things turned out alright. I lost a trustworthy medal for losing one exam paper which happens to belong to my academic rival Alma. Everybody believes I did it on purpose. Lucky her, she graduated top one.
When I moved to another school in town proper, I found out that Emmanuel was attending the same establishment, he was a senior-lower section, and I was a freshman – pilot class. He acted as if he didn’t know me. I did the same. What happened between us was million years away.
The last time I saw him was in a café. I am already married to my ex. I went to the toilet and saw him standing there next to a jukebox. He had a few and started to talk to me. I tried to ignore him but he followed me to our table. I introduced him to my ex and he instantly sobered up.
I saw Rolando once much earlier. It was fiesta and I was watching an old fashioned barrio dance and he was there. He followed me all the way home. Me and my youngest sister managed to elude him and locked the door. He knocked for quite sometimes before finally giving up. I never see him again.
Then, my eldest sister came to get me to live with her. I set foot in Manila for the first time. Not exactly the capital, somewhere nearby.
A beginning of a new episode, a different life.
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44
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i rise
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Oct 7, 2011 2:53 pm
1640 Views
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You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my humbleness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my simplicity upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
that I dance like I've got diamonds
at the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a vast ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my troubled past gave,
I am the dream and the hope of my likes.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
This poem is originally from M.A.
I tweaked it here and there to suit my mood…
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36
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hotel california
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Oct 4, 2011 11:26 am
1321 Views
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On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here
Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain,
'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis
Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'
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15
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cooking with friends
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Sep 30, 2011 1:31 pm
1359 Views
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Every weekend if our schedules allow, my friends and I meet up and cook whatever dish we fancy.
We usually rent a place for this. It could be a kitchen of some function hall, or a small restaurant of somebody we know, or a café from the neighbourhood.
This way, none of us would be left with a dirty house to attend to and a messy kitchen to clean up afterwards. We could enjoy more the fruit of our labour unhurried and with glasses of wine.
We all enjoy sampling each other “signature” dishes. Mostly, we divide ourselves in groups by putting our names in a jar and someone would draw names randomly, six for each groups.
Two are in charge for making hors d'oeuvre, two for the main course and another two for the dessert.
It is not only a very fun thing to do; it is a unique way of bonding too. We usually end up talking till the wee hours in some tavern or brasserie in town.
Have a fun weekend everyone!
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19
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Sunday
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Sep 29, 2011 10:40 am
2628 Views
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It was Sunday. We always come to town on the same day, every week the same boring routine; with the exception of Christmas, New Year and the usual holidays. One more year and it will be over. I was supposed to be happy, I was not.
Going down the stairs of the boarding house, I froze rooted to the spot, the bucket I was holding clattered to the ground. Who’s that? I didn’t realize there were people living there! It was empty only the week before.
She looked at me straight in the eyes; I did the same. Then I went to retrieve the pail to fetch water.
She brought sautéed bitter melon with egg for supper. We ate from the same plate. I didn’t ask her name. We lived opposite each other. Her place was the first I see when I wake up in the morning. I have no choice; it’s there.
We played cards sometimes for candies. Money was never allowed. (One of her rules) we did it mostly with her mother and niece; and Christian, my best friend. He is really loud and sleek. Why I never noticed it before? Strange...
She stayed. For a while at least.
I was surprised to find her waiting at my house in the mountain one evening; together with two of the girls I know. Out of nothing better to do she said. It became a habit. I liked it. But we were always surrounded with people. That was the other side of it.
Very different she is. Unusual was not even close. Weird could be it. I’m not sure.
Who cares? She can do something with her eyes. I don’t know exactly what. Kind of: saying everything, but really nothing. Very confusing.
She decided to take a boat in the middle of the night to an island opposite ours. I regretted telling her that the light she was seeing was from a fiesta dance. I had to come. Can hardly let her go by herself? She’s not exactly alone. We all went with her. Well...almost. Monday stayed. There was exam the next morning. Parent needed was the order of the day. So furious was my father.
I never realized that staying up whole night walking in a strange neighbourhood, or lying on a bare cement floor with nothing underneath stomach grumbling with the lack of food could feel satisfying. That defying the rules you been following whole of your life could be fun. And that was only the start. I learned to lie and deceive. Even to myself.
Jumping out from the boarding house window to elope; skipping classes so I can go to the waterfalls with her, climbing on roof tops for no reason at all just because she said so, breaking into someone’s empty house for fun, spending a night in the cemetery playing spirit of the glass, walking for miles in the rain searching for flowers. I did all that because of her.
I remember getting off the vehicle I was in; even though I was half-way home already, simply because I encountered the jeep she was driving. We spent the night together. What a pity not alone. Like I said; there were always others. We had some moments. But she always managed to elude the” what could and if”. I think things like that need practice. She must have done it quite a lot; she’s the master of it.
Funny, but she’s most accessible to others. I mean, closer. Like with my cousin. She shared a blanket. (For a picture that is. I still have it) She even sat next to Christian on the front of a closed shop in the dark and laughed. I hate my bf for it. Does she know that he called her “hot”?
At the end she broke my heart. She lied big time.
Not about her age or who she is. That was not important.
It was something else. I can forgive her everything!
The complicated song and dance; that stunt with Monday setting me up, the first kiss I never had, the phoney letter, losing that special rock I spent whole afternoon searching for and gave to her, everything!
But not Dimple. I asked her. She denied! Why??? At the end, she let me find out. In the cruelest way possible; face-to-face., just like that.
Afterwards, when he was gone and i questioned her, she said: “Eamon, the two of us simply cannot.”
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97
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the darn cat
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Sep 25, 2011 2:15 pm
1386 Views
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I saw him. Yes I did. I wish I hadn’t.
Like I said before I can’t sleep with someone next to me. So, since the beginning of time, I have my own corner and later my own room.
Even back then when I was with my ex and he raised hell because of it, I insisted and got what I wanted. The result was nobody can lock any room in our house. He made sure of that.
That particular night I was not in my designated space. I didn’t want to risk the chance of my ex bothering me there so I decided to hide in my son’s bedroom.
I could have put a dresser against the door of my boudoir but experience taught me that it will only encourage him furthermore.
My son that time happened to be sleeping at my aunt’s house, but my ex didn’t know it and that is good; it means he would not look for me there.
No matter how fck the man might be, he is more or less still a good father; unless it’s that time of the year again, then nothing counts.
My son had two clever annoying spoiled cats that named Dulce and Snooze, they are mother and daughter. Both of them love to swing themselves on my draperies and can open doors by themselves. I caught them in the act of doing it. From a reasonable distance they will run at full speed then jump grab the handle and hang on there till the door open. Hteful little pests. If only my son doesn’t adore them…
I was already deep in my slumber when I feel some presence in the room (I sleep like a duck) and I thought: Snooze. She is the favourite and treats the room of my son as hers, technically I was the intruder; I sighed and told myself for one night it doesn’t matter, I can share a room with a cat.
After a while I feel a weight on the mattress. She must have jumped on the bed. A moment later I feel something on my chest so, I said: “snooze, go away” and I sweep her off me.
My arm must have fallen off the side of the bed because I realized that my hand was on the floor and the darn cat was licking my fingers. Once again I shooed the animal away.
But she continues sucking my fingers, biting at them tenderly, then harder and harder slowly swallowing my entire hand bit by bit.
I reached the top of my annoyance and retrieve my hand from inside her mouth and put it under the sheets. Yet for some reason I can’t go back to sleep. So, I opened my eyes and saw that the cat was sitting next to the bed watching me. I can see the top of her head and half of the body sticking over the guard rails of the bed. My uncle put it there to stop my son from falling off while sleeping.
That’s when all the warning bells in my head started screaming at me, it said: “Wake up! Wake up! There’s definitely something wrong here!” and all at once I understood that it cannot be the cat.
She cannot be that tall. If it’s Snooze who was sitting there, I would not see her at all; even in sitting position, the bed plus the rails were going to hide her form entirely from me. So, I sat and I saw him!
He was the most handsome man I ever laid my eyes upon. His face shows a kind of indulgent amused look one might wear when looking at something or someone he is very fond of, not threatening at all!
I can see the outline of his perfect muscular naked body kneeling on the side of the bed. For the rest, he was shrouded in darkness except the tips of his horns; there was this kind of red illumination, like the kind of light you get when you put your hand over a candle light, or shine a flashlight from under your palm.
When our eyes meet… he smiled.
That did it. I jumped out of bed, got tangled up in the sheets and landed face down on the floor. I got up and run; hitting every light switch I passed by and ended up in the room of my ex. I dived next to him, put the cover over my head and hugged his back.
The next morning, he asked me what I was doing in his bedroom and why all the lights were on when he woke up, and my son’s room looked like a tornado had been there.
I don’t know how to answer him.
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20
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someone like you
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Sep 20, 2011 9:00 am
2211 Views
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I saw you. He looks good, I thought. Lost weight again, which is seems a pattern every time you are embarking into a new relationship. Not that you need to shed off some extra pounds. You look okay. Always been. In fact, too good. A right combination of alpha traits and vulnerability with baby blue eyes and a very sharp and creative mind to match, qualities that supposed to attract me on papers; only I don’t like blue, and on papers everything looks good.
This time you are with another woman. Your second after I rejected not you but your proposal. You see, I maybe weird on papers, and sometimes in reality too; but my oddness does not stretch to handcuffs or ropes, a paddle or a whip, and probably leather outfits and masks. No, thank you.
What a pity. Aside from that, I could see us together; and apparently you too because you say you are willing to throw away all your gadgets for me. Possible, but mahirap maitago ang natural.
After the initial euphoric state of being in love is over, and the novelty had worn out; I wonder if you would not be tempted to go back to your old habits. That risk I cannot take.
So, after 3 years, you accepted the fact that there is no hope for us. You travelled to the other side of the world to have a disastrous affair with a femme fatale (your own words) an adventure that almost cost you your life and sanity.
Couple that with the death of your mother whom you had a very strong bond, so strong you still bringing her food in the cemetery and eat there too imagining you sharing it with her and the suicide of your only brother, I can imagine and understand why you have to spent 3 months in psychiatric department of some hospital.
But you braved it all, and aside from a barcode tattoo on your back with the girl’s name under it (it could have been worse and could be on another place as well) there is no visible damage I could see.
I don’t know about psychological and emotional aspect though. I will not ask. It’s not my concern. Even when u came to dinner we didn’t discuss the matter.
You keep in touch up to this moment (but you refused to come to my wedding and even try to change my mind saying he is not the right guy for me, the two of you even got some awkward moments when you accused him of isolating me. maybe you have some point but you see, he offers me stability and security; things you sneered at saying: what’s that? Nothing but nothing could remain stable and secure here in this life. Granted, but at least we could try) sending me short messages with emoticons, asking how I am. But I ignored them mostly. I don’t want to give you false hope when I have nothing to give. I respect you enough not to do that. And the box, I still keep. A tangible legacy of how hard you try to paved your way to my heart (and my pants) and the axe too. It’s the reason why you become attracted to me in the first place. A little vampire lady cuddling a cute weapon must have prickled not only your curiosity but fantasy as well.
Imagine…
Seeing you yesterday with that woman and staring at your romantic photos with her made me think of a lot of things, like: is she willing to share your “hobby”? Is it the real thing this time or another attempt to chase your fantasy? I even sent a message to you (one of my few) expressing my desire for you to find happiness and contentment, wishing you all the best in the world. And you know what, I really mean it.
But at the same time, looking at your smiling face next to your new found love(?) I cannot help thinking: it could be me. Yes, it could have been, if I am not what I am. Adventurer daring eccentric fearless weirdo and wild, but still… not crazy enough to venture that road you wanted to take. No regrets.
This is the third time I wrote a blog about you. Readers who been following my blogs since day one might remember, since you are a member here too. You even visited my space quite few times, leaving comments about the cooking of the hubby when you came to dinner and the wine that you brought for us.
Strange, but you are one of the few person I know who walks the talks. When you say: okay, I’ll come, within an hour you’re there; and I was only joking.
Well, after almost 8 years, there you are again; willing to try, not scared to invest. Others might stay clear off the kitchen after being burned severely, but not you… you stumbled and fall, run into the wall just like in that song but after picking yourself up, you go full steam ahead. Good for you.
I admire the courage.
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To link to this blog (Bebong2010) use [blog Bebong2010] in your messages.
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