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9 lives She took the bus quite late, around 8:00 o’clock in the evening. She could have gone earlier, but there was some class officers meeting and it always takes longer than necessary. It was Friday. If everything goes the way it supposed to be, she will be at her place around midnight. She still was wearing her school uniform (RMCHS) loose fitting blouse with a big green bow that looks like a dead butterfly over long beige skirt and the so familiar black shoes. No time to change. Got to catch the bus. When the conductor asked for her school ID, she handed it to him without comment. Not even when he sits next to her. There were only few passengers; one of those was a 9 years old(?) boy who keeps looking at her. Guess it would be a quiet 4 hours drive. She didn’t know what happened. All she could remember was: when the bus reached the terminal and the conductor stepped out with the boy, she goes with them. The place was dark and as alien to her as the people she was with. But it seems didn’t matter. Nothing matters. Not even her(self.) At 4:00 a.m she gathered her clothes and slowly put them on. She glanced at the strange man on the bed. He seems oblivious of the messed around him. There was too much blood! She didn’t remember having to feel pain. Nothing. She stepped over the sleeping boy on the floor. How did it happen? She opened the door and slipped out into the dark. She didn’t dare to close it for the fear of making sound. She wonders where she is. She found a tricycle and boarded. She looks back at the motel. She would not remember the name. Not even the man’s or the boy’s. For no apparent reason, she cried, and cried and cried…  ~ Jolielaide  |
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a very painful memory ~ Jolielaide
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yeah  ~ Jolielaide
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Ramon Magsaysay Cubao High School near the former(?) channel 7 close to the overpass back in 1980s, the 3rd year there alone has 27 sections my first cousin (who is now an engineer) was studying that time in Ramon Magsaysay Espania ~ Jolielaide
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i remember sneaking into the cinema still wearing my uniform the film was scorpio night with anna marie gutierez and daniel fernando the guard chased me away even thinking hard i can't recall why on earth i've done that cutting classes is'nt my thing at all ~ Jolielaide
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tsk!..poor girl
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nice signature ~ Jolielaide
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*i decided to blog all the painful memories either my own or from people who are very close and dear to me.perhaps it will be just another futile attempt to get rid of my inner demons and ghosts from the (not so)distance past. maybe the nightmares would stop along with the pain (though i very much doubt it but i will never know unless i try) i want to look the problem in the eyes instead of running away. someone told me that you cannot hide/outrun/(from) the past because it has a funny way of catching up. it's so fcking difficult, writing about the truth. harder than any make-believe stories. fantasy you can bend, but not the truth. it scratch (in the brain) and chew and chew till you can't ignore it anymore (pardon the typos, mispelling and all for i'm writing this straight without the help of microsoft office word ha ha)i'm already old and tired of pretending these things don't exist. i have to learn in order to really live. ~ Jolielaide
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*i'm in my venting mode again watching vilma santos classic (and all related stuff) in utube (out of nothing better to do. D. tiled the floor (not finish yet. just two rows)untill 4:30 i wonder how he could stay awake tommorow at work (his problem) he did it because he have sinned( is this right?) again forgetting i want to buy pot soil for my dahlia (still cannot drive RA) wish the weather would improve so i can move my hands again ~ Jolielaide
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*i have something against even numbers. can't stand them. so if my comments adds up even, i just vent to odd it ~ Jolielaide
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chores are not the problem it's my muscles reminding me of my age ~ Jolielaide
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4/20/2009 10:12 am |
mixed emotions>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>      
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sigh there is no smiley (yet) for running around holding your head shouting: "aaahhhhhh!!!!!!"     ~ Jolielaide
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mixed emotions>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> confused and disbelief and a lot a lot of regret ~ Jolielaide
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4/20/2009 7:29 pm |
ms bebs, I told you before you have the gift of writing. Maybe you can be healed by facing all your demons in writing them out. May you find peace and happiness... [I God is pure love...
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*as much as i wanted to: -have an amnesia -run away from the past -exorcize lots of ghosts - and changed what happened... it's still the past i'm always running back to to feel good, alive or simply smile. because if bad demons are lurking in the past and have a knack of following me everywhere; so are the good times. and that is why if i've given a chance, i would/can't change a thing.(and of course there is kenneth and aubrey) i'm aware that i have lived a million lives. did things most people can only dreamed of. because i dare. at my age, i'm few experience(s) richer and lots of illusions poorer[ (direct translation from dutch) i've meet so many noble beautiful people (my ex said i only meet noble and beautiful because they are the only one allowed to get near me. agreed by my only brother who said: i have such a high standard when it comes to people. and those who want to get close have to meet them or otherwise... not true of course. when i've met the embryo, i changed. don't ask me why or how because i have no answers. he's the first person who let me truly free. and maybe that's the key (or it could be also that he's so fcking clingy i feel guilty leaving him on his own) anyway, could be the age who knows. i cannot run forever chasing rainbows. i don't want to be one of those cowboys who refused to grow up (like my ex) anyway, when i think back all the things i have experienced before, i have enough materials to write a horror/$ex/love/adventure/action/drama/comedy/thriller stories like melba said: "why it's always/only happening to you?" ~ Jolielaide
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ms bebs, I told you before you have the gift of writing. Maybe you can be healed by facing all your demons in writing them out. May you find peace and happiness... i only managed to write the good part in the past (aside from poetry coz they are so easy to disguise) and pretend the bad didn't happen. but pretending is like a cancer, ignoring it will not make the desease go away but will make it more fatal. and like mosy cases of cancer, nobody see it from the outside but deep down, it's eating away everything, consuming... till there is no other way but out ~ Jolielaide
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4/23/2009 12:56 pm |
this is my first try i only managed to write the good part in the past (aside from poetry coz they are so easy to disguise) and pretend the bad didn't happen. but pretending is like a cancer, ignoring it will not make the desease go away but will make it more fatal. and like mosy cases of cancer, nobody see it from the outside but deep down, it's eating away everything, consuming... till there is no other way but out Very few dare to have the courage to open their closet this way. Too many would rather hide, roll their judgemental eyes and point their pointy finger at other people rather than themselves. I open my mind so I can prevent from this happening as I get older.    within each one of us, and let it begin with me (and each one of us)..one breath at a time.
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from an early age, it became apparent to me that i'm quite different. and boy it did (still does) put me in trouble most of the times. when i was younger, i always gladly meet the trobles headlong (of course i was too idealistic and way naive) grab the bull by the horns so they say. as i get older, i realized that there is no use. too many (like you said) judgemental people. always afraid of something different. they loath what they can't understand. i learned to liw low. don't bother me, i will not bother you. ~ Jolielaide
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dare is one of my middle names  and never care about my image. most of the time, what we think about how people perceive us is usually very from from the truth. most people would like to believe that what they want to project is how the people see them. not true.i pity those. ~ Jolielaide
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don't worry about being "one of those" when you grow old. all comes down to basic. and i think yours is rock solid. just don't forget who you really are and all will be ok. (i said ok, not easy) ~ Jolielaide
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Here's to the future we can't predict, and here's to all that we will meet. I can't say where I'm going, but I know it'll be something great because it's the kind future that holds our dreams. Here's to the future that awaits us, and here's to the past that will follow us. I can't say I won't make just as many mistakes, or that I'll learn from all my old ones, but I know I'll be better for it because eventually I'll get it. Here's to the future that we'll finally grab, and here's to all the hell we got while chasing it. I can't say I didn't break, but I'm alive and kicking today because I kept going when I wanted to cry, 'cause hope pulled me forward. And here's to those who see a bleak future, and here's to those fools who accepted it. I can't say anything to reach them, but I cross my fingers and hope that they'll see something worth chasing because any journey is better with company. ~ Jolielaide
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