Blog : Of Culture and Religious Beliefs (inspired by eb1209 blog)

1392 posts
12/3/2009 8:15 pm

Last Read:
12/6/2009 8:41 pm

Of Culture and Religious Beliefs (inspired by eb1209 blog)

I was moved by Ate Elz (eb1209) blog, Him and I, and I had a mixed emotion towards the very reason of saying goodbye. I really can not found some exact words to gather and organize my opinion about the issue of cultural and religious practice that a certain group should adhere no matter how professional and adept the members might be to the modern trend of this educational oriented world. It is not a matter of taboo but it is a matter of commitment not the practices alone but to the family who molded and defined each member's being.

I ended remembering and becoming honest to the very reason why my own dad had disowned and "punished" me for a long time. My dad was formerly a chieftain of an ethic tribe in Mindanao. My grandfather and the whole clan had worked hard in order to send my dad to a prestigious university to become the first member to obtain education. My dad is exceptional because behind the ethic origin he is naturally intelligent that he was able to hurdle the university requirements with ease and flying colors. He went back to pursue the interest of his tribe and he was finally given the honor to hold the highest position. However, my dad had disobeyed some major rules when he converted himself to Christianity and married my mom. It broke the heart of his whole tribe but he continued to serve and promised to offer back his first born to the customs and practices of his roots. Luckily, the first born is me.

I was groomed through our tribes practices, beliefs and cultures.Expectedly, the bethrotal was also set between me and the of another chieftain. I was conditioned that my fate was also prepared but as I further my education I knew that I will never be who they wanted me to become. I disobeyed (like my dad) everything set and I stayed away from the origin of my people. I never denied that I have with me the blood of my ancestors but I can not simply fulfill the fate that was supposed to be accomplished by my dad. I told my father that I can not pay what he owed to his people. It was a big, messy and chaotic crisis which moved around the world of embarassment in my dad's name. In the end, I stood firm to what I believe is good for and would make me happy. I endured the consequences for years and years but I never succumed to the circumstances. There were lots of dramas and coercions but it did not work on my behalf.

It was just a couple of years ago when my dad finally ceded to the fact that he can never let me do things that I did not found favorable to me. He accepted that his disobedience had bore fruits and I had gotten the very good portion of it. He had gotten into the point of admitting that education had changed him and the change had extended to us his . Afterall, I am his . I never forgot that I have with me the ethic blood and I always acknowledge that fact. I might had removed the veils and practices of my tribe but I never forgot that in one way or another I can be who I am and at the same time I can inspire specially the women of the tribe by showing that with perseverance and hard work there is a better place beyond housekeeping and rearing. Now, I am supporting the tribe through the scholarship I am extending to the students who aim to become somebody someday.I did not go to the path they prepared to for me but I have proven that my disobedience has given back more benefits to my people.

I had went back to grandparents and met my people who chastised me to death before and I have offered them a very good honor that they very proud of now. Wounds had taken times to heal but the humility to ask for apology had paved the way that many younger generations have been benefitting today. I am always proud eveytime I come back to my people because little as I am, I have brought them a new perspective to see and a new horizon to aspire. I am an educator who got a liberal views in life but I am also a member of indigenous tribe who is always proud of my people and my own identity.

jense26 47F

1441 posts
12/4/2009 7:15 pm

frozenflower3

Sis,

Sometimes, it is not love that is growing but a deep resignation that no other option is available and no other opportunities are present.

In bethrotal it is not only the committment of love present but the monetary exchange for bride prices or groom prices (among Hindus) that the family paid anbd received will often become the binding force that will force the couple to resign to the reality of their fate. Bethrotal is complicated because yone is literally bought thats why family members will move heaven and earth to keep the pair together.

jense26 47F

1441 posts
12/4/2009 7:11 pm

pinoylover1

You are right Manny. However, how many of these women are weeping deep inside them?

jense26 47F

1441 posts
12/4/2009 7:10 pm

eb1209

Or is it better to marry for commitment and learn to love later?

Ate Elz,

you are putting me on the hot seat here. hahahaha

I can best answer this question by considering my own experience and views of marriage. I always believe that marriage is a DECISION to commit my own life with somebody. Since it is a DECISION, I need to be prepared psychologically, emotionally, and most of all financially. Love will grow naturally if the soil for committed is properly prepared. However, when storm comes I am not somebody who needs to submit to the whimps and desires of my husband because I have nothing to call as my own in order to become independent. Sometimes in cultural practices of bethrotal there are some who are not really eternally happy with the arrangement but they dont have a choice because they were tied to that pre arranged condition and they never experienced to go beyond and dare to take the challenge.

An honest scrutiny of this practice will surely reveal some women who are trapped inside the imaginary cage of cultural accountability. Inside they are weeping with invisible tears. I dont want to become one of them. I would rather choose to take divorce and keep my identity rather than to be tied with this kind of bond forever.

Women have been suffering a lot and finally, the "successes" of this marriage is not totally genuine as we are seeing within the plastered smiles of these couples.

pinoylover1 74M

1152 posts
12/4/2009 10:25 am

thanks for sharing Jen...yes in some culture prearranged relationships works better for them...

frozenflower3 64F

12/4/2009 7:26 am

Jense,

For a good cause one would fight everything in their power. Yes, it is true that bethrowed marriages work 100% of the time because totally commited, even if they don't love each other to begin with. And love grows little by little throughout their marriage. And the fairy tale of falling in love getting married and getting divorce down the road is too common. So, my question is Love real or just a dream and illusion. Lucky for some and unlucky for others. Or just looking out for the big picture which everyone can be benefited. And not for selfish reasons...

jense26 47F

1441 posts
12/4/2009 5:33 am

eb1209

At this point in my life, I have also "seen the positive outcome and advantages" of the same practice of pre-arranged marriage. Compared to marrying someone with free-will and had divorced many times, I've seen with my two eyes, how those who were bethrothed had managed to keep their families intact and had learned to love one another through the years...

In most cases marriage bethrotal lasts longer because of the commitment not only to love but to the way of life that is patterned.I guess in most cases, the resignation to fate and the self brainwashing that..."this is it and this I am destined to be." works best to keep the union intact. In other words, the submission and "blind obedience" make things go well.

jense26 47F

1441 posts
12/4/2009 5:00 am

eb1209

Thank you, Jen for bringing this into a more indepth explanation. I admire your courage, and I am sure that "time will come" that more people of the same culture and beliefs will be able to successfully detach themselves without going through the humiliation, loss of dignity, be an outcast from the family and relatives and society, and worst of all (as in the case of my ex) death threats from the other side of the contracting parties.

It takes courage to take a stand against cultural practices and for both men and women the difficulties are always defined by the expectations attached to every gender. Ironically the most awaited "time" is usually a far away dream for everyone. I am just lucky that I have the mixture of Christian blood in my veins that when I was chastised by the tribe I still have my other family from the other side who supported my cause.

eb1209